It's Not OK
by 711LuvsRanger
Summary: Set post-Explosive Eighteen - Stephanie feels the consequences of her actions, with some major fallout. Nobody comes out undamaged. Very high angst, but eventually a Babe HEA. References all books up to 18, but nothing beyond that. Rating for language (and more in some chapters :D)
1. Chapter 1

_AN: If you're reading this, you will learn what I really think about Stephanie's actions in Explosive Eighteen. I didn't mind seventeen; actually I thought 'Hooray! She's finally changing this endless triangle shit… then along came eighteen… AAARRRGGGHHH! Anyway, this is how I think it could (should?) have gone down after that. WARNING: this is HIGH ANGST – if you don't like angst, probably best not to read it. But I am planning an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. _

Chapter 1.

I was dozing on the sofa around 10pm in front of a _Criminal Minds_ rerun when there was a knock on the door.

Wait, who knocks on _my_ door? Joe has a key, and Ranger just breaks in. Everyone else just breaks in as well. Oh god, I hope it's not my grandma! I had had a shitty week with one of my skips dumping cooking oil on me while trying to escape and, yesterday, my latest POS lost all four wheels when I parked on Stark to go after another skip. The last thing I wanted was grandma coming to stay with me.

I looked through the peephole – Joe. Huh? I opened the door. "Why did you knock, why not just let yourself in?"

"Umm, I didn't know if you were home, couldn't see your car in the lot."

"My car was stripped on Stark Street yesterday. Some helpful local mechanics decided to give me an all-wheel rotation and got distracted half-way through." I joked. He didn't smile. I looked at him, he seemed nervous and fidgety. "What's up?"

"Oh. Just haven't seen you in a while."

True, when I thought about it, it have been nearly a month since I last saw Joe, at least more than in passing at the cop shop. Even longer since he called me for a 'Bob misses you' call. Huh. Weird. I just realised we hadn't really been together in more than six weeks. Joe usually didn't have that much restraint, I guess things had been busy at work. Maybe he'd been on a case. Was that why he seemed all hyped up?

"You seem… I don't know, stressed or something. What's wrong?"

He sighed. "I need to talk to you. I've been putting it off, trying to avoid it, but time has kind of run out."

He was sweating and kind of mumbling, not looking at me. This sounded pretty bad. When I looked closer, Joe looked really tired, and thinner too. There were bags under his eyes and he was shifting constantly on the sofa. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my own nerves. "OK, just go for it. Rip the Band-Aid off quick."

Joe tried to smile, but it was more like a grimace. "Here goes. Well, when we got back from Hawaii, I was… really mad. I mean, I know we talked about seeing other people and it's not like I didn't know you had something with Manoso, but that whole thing was such a clusterfuck and I had concussion and a broken nose and I was just really hurt and mad. I didn't know what I wanted anymore, didn't even know if I could be with you anymore."

"Joe, I, I…" I stammered.

"Please Steph, I didn't come here to hash it over again, well… not exactly. But I _was_ really upset and I, well, one night a couple of days after we got home, I went out to a bar, drinking. I was just sitting there, drowning my sorrows, and Terri came up to me. She'd been at the bar meeting a contact of her uncle's and saw me. Anyway, I bought her a drink, then another drink, and I was kind of drunk already, and the next thing I know I woke up next morning in bed with her. I _swear_ it was the only time while we were together, but well, it happened."

I drew in another deep breath. I wasn't sure he was telling the truth that it was the only time. I had wondered, more than once, even when Ranger and I had been together… and this was _months_ ago, why was this coming up now? Was he telling me about this one time because he felt like he had had an excuse?

I wanted to go completely rhino, but I knew that was totally hypocritical, given what he had walked into in Hawaii. I took a few deep breaths to try and get some perspective.

"OK Joe, I can't say that doesn't hurt, and it makes me really mad too, but under the circumstances, I can see how it could have happened. Why didn't you tell me about it before, though?"

"Well, I just wanted to forget it. I was totally hung over, and felt like shit, so I just told Terri goodbye and went home. Slept for 12 hours straight, and got on with things. A couple of weeks later, you and I got back together, and I kind of just put it out of my mind."

 _Put it out of his mind! Seriously?_ I drew in calming breath and tried to tell myself that I had been with Ranger before and after Hawaii, and hadn't told Joe about it. _Don't be a hypocrite, Stephanie._

"So why tell me now?"

"OK, so here's the thing… Umm, Terri's pregnant" he mumbled.

I felt my body go numb, and time stopped. "Pregnant?"

"Yes, seventeen weeks. It's a little girl, we found out a couple weeks ago at the ultrasound."

"Seventeen weeks?" I couldn't seem to stop repeating him.

"And, well, we're both Catholic, and we didn't want to... you know, and so, well, we're gonna keep her."

I felt like I couldn't breathe. "You're going to keep the baby? Together?"

"Yes. I'm _so sorry_ Steph, but I really want this baby, and well, Terri and I have been talking a lot and we've decided to really try and make a go of this together. Like a family. We're not gonna stay here in Trenton, it would be too fucked up for you, and for work, and Terri's uncle would go apeshit, and my career would be over, so we're gonna move.

My second cousin on my mom's side lives in Detroit, he's a lawyer up there, and he's got some connections. He reckons he can put in a word for me to get a job with the Detroit PD. Terri's gonna try and sever ties with the Family, and we're gonna get married and try and make it work for real, a family, you know?"

I could feel the rage sweeping up my body like a tidal wave. "How long have you been planning this?"

"A few weeks I guess. I gave my notice at TPD nearly a month ago, but my boss agreed to keep it quiet as a favour to me.

Terri came to me seven weeks ago or so and told me. She couldn't decide if she was going to tell me, but she thought I deserved to know. We started talking, ended up talking all night and then I went with her to her appointment at the OB. Once I heard the baby's heartbeat, well, that was it for me. I knew I had to do right by her. And by Terri. So we started thinking about what we could do, and making plans."

"Seven weeks! And you've been planning your getaway for weeks! Why am I hearing about this ONLY NOW?! We were supposed to be in a relationship, for fuck's sake!" I screamed at him. He just sat there with his head hung and said nothing. At least now I knew why he hadn't been around. If he'd slept with me after finding out about this, I think I would have got my gun out of the cookie jar. I was pretty sure I had at least one bullet, and I could make sure he didn't father any more kids.

"So when are you leaving?"

"Four days," he sighed sadly. "We haven't told anyone, we've just been making our plans, and then we plan to tell everyone in our families and just go, straight away. Avoid the nuclear fallout."

"FOUR DAYS! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"

I stood up and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door. I sat on the closed toilet, feeling the tears starting to leak down my face. I hugged my arms around my middle and felt my control break, as I sobbed, big, whole-body, gulping sobs. I had never felt so betrayed, so totally screwed over, even after finding the dick with the skank on my dining table.

I didn't know how long I sat there sobbing, but eventually, the sobs subsided to hiccups. I used a couple of wads of toilet paper to blow my nose, and got up to wash my hands and face at the basin. I looked like hell, swollen, red-rimmed eyes, a red nose, and hair like a frizz-bomb had gone off. A few deep breaths and I walked back out to the living room.

And he'd gone.

No note. No goodbye. No apology.

Just gone.

CHICKENSHIT!

I walked back into my bedroom and threw myself on my bed and cried myself to sleep. Yup, things could be worse than having my grandma at my door.


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: I have about half of this story already written, so I can update pretty quickly for a while. But there may be delays later, as some of the chapters are not coming as easily as the first few did... Thanks for your reviews. I'd love some more (hint, hint!) :-)_

 _WARNING: this is HIGH ANGST – if you don't like angst, probably best not to read it. But I am planning an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

* * *

Chapter 2.

Five days later I finally dragged myself out of bed. The apartment looked like a tornado had gone through it. Dirty clothes strewn everywhere, dishes piled up in the sink, and at one point I had gone ballistic, finding every scrap of Morelli's stuff in my apartment and shredding and stabbing them with my sharpest kitchen knife. Something told me he wasn't planning to come back for them anyway.

I had completely run out of food last night. I never really had much stashed away anyway, and I was literally down to hamster nuggets. If I ate those, Rex was going to starve, so it was forcing my hand to face the world again. Plus, my bank account wasn't exactly overflowing, so if I didn't get myself out picking up skips again soon, rent was going to be an issue.

I had turned off my phone, and pushed my sofa in front of the door. I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to hear the phony sympathy from the gossips and, especially, didn't want to hear the condemnation and disapproval from my mother. I dreaded facing Connie and Lula, my mom and grandma, but I knew I couldn't put it off much longer. The fallout should have happened by now, Morelli and Terri Gilman were supposed to leave yesterday. I would be shocked if the grapevine didn't blow up yesterday. Some people's phones must have spontaneously combusted with this level of gossip. Everybody must know by now.

I stumbled into the bathroom and used the facilities. When I stood at the basin to wash my hands, I winced at the picture before me. I looked worse than the apartment. Hair like rats had nested in it, face drawn and lined, and bloodshot eyes like I'd been on a two-day binge. I eased into the shower and stood there until the hot water ran out, then stepped out to wrap myself in a clean towel, and used my last clean towel to wrap my hair. I walked into my bedroom to find something to wear and sighed, I was nearly out of clean underwear as well.

I was tempted to brave the trolls in my basement to wash my own clothes, rather than facing my mother, but I knew it was probably better to get it over with anyway. At least if I went over there, I wouldn't have to listen to the 500 messages she had probably left on my phone.

I spent the next hour and a half tidying my apartment, picking up the dirty clothes, washing the dishes, pushing my furniture back into place, making the bed with fresh sheets, and giving Rex some fresh shavings and clean water. I did my best with my hair and as much makeup as I could get away with for day to look decent. I picked up the two large bags of trash in one hand and tucked the overflowing laundry basket under the other arm, and went downstairs to go to my parents' house. I figured I could arrive at lunch time and at least I could get something to eat, and my clothes washed, while I listened to the harangue.

I walked out to the dumpster and dumped my trash, and started to fish around in my bag for my keys. Then I realised.

 _I still didn't have a car_. _Fuck_.

Sighing at the inevitable, I got my phone out and switched it on. 211 messages. _Double fuck!_ No way was I going to start reading and listening to them now. And I wasn't going to call my mother to get my dad to pick me up. I called a cab.

 _Time to face the music._

The cab pulled up at my parents' house and only my grandma was at the door waiting for me. Mom was either ironing or passed out from her tippling. Maybe both. I walked up to the door and my grandma gave me a sympathetic look and squeezed my arm.

"Come in baby. Your mom is upstairs. She ironed and tippled all day yesterday, and she hasn't made it down this morning. But I can do your washing, baby girl. And I've got some cold cuts and leftovers for lunch. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. Ran out of food at home."

"I'm so sorry baby girl. When did you find out?"

Despite my resolve not to cry any more over the scumbag (the last five days had left me feeling a bit vengeful), another tear slid down my face. "Tuesday night. Morelli came over, set off his bomb, and then left without a word while I was in the bathroom."

"I'm really sorry. I'm guessing you haven't been answering your phone or listening to messages. You need to know…"

 _OHMIGOD, WHAT ELSE?_

"I guess Morelli's mother was giving him a hard time about treating you so badly, and, well, he told his family that he arrived in Hawaii and found you sleeping with that bounty hunter. It's all over the Burg, and people are saying… Well, they're saying you got what you deserve, baby. That's what drove your mother over the edge."

 _Holy shit, Morelli threw me under the bus. Didn't see that coming._

"Is it true?"

Another tear tracked down my face. I whispered, "Yes."

She engulfed me in a hug, and patted my back. I guess it was a measure of her love for me at that point that she didn't ask me about his 'package'.

"Come on baby. You know what they say, 'this too will pass'. It'll blow over eventually."

She left me in the kitchen making coffee and went to put the first load of my clothes into the washer. When she came back, she made me eat, occasional tears still sliding down my face, running my mascara. When I'd eaten as much as I could, she went and put the washing into the dryer, adding another load into the washer. We tidied the kitchen, and sat over coffee, not talking. It was comforting, and reminded me of when I was little, and would run to grandma's place to hide and for comfort, when things were rough at home.

By the time my mother came down the stairs, we had the second load in the dryer, the third load in the washer, and had folded the first load.

Mom walked past me into the kitchen, without speaking or even looking at me. She went straight to the pantry, and withdrew a bottle, with only an inch or so left on the bottom, and swilled it straight down. She looked haggard and hung over, and still refused to look at me. I wanted to say something, maybe to apologise, but the words were stuck in my throat.

"Mom, I…"'

She brushed past me and stomped back upstairs. I heard the bedroom door slam. I broke down once again to sobs, and grandma came over to hold me and made soothing noises. "Don't worry, baby. She'll come around. She's just embarrassed and upset right now."

We finished the washing, and my mother had not reappeared. When the clothes, sheets and towels were all folded neatly back into the basket, grandma said, "Why don't you call your dad to come take you home?"

"I couldn't face dad, grandma, that would be the final humiliation."

Grandma slipped off and found the keys to big blue. She handed them to me, and I whispered, "Thanks grandma."

She hugged me and shooed me out the door.

I desperately needed groceries, but I didn't want to go anywhere in the Burg. I just couldn't face the stares and whispers and murmurs behind my back. I drove 20 minutes to a convenience store in Plainsboro, where I hoped no one would know me, and picked up the bare essentials; bread, peanut butter, olives, Tastykakes, grapes for Rex, toilet paper, Kleenex, coffee, ice cream, Tastykakes.

I drove home and slipped into my building, taking the stairs to avoid Mrs Bestler, and locked myself back in. I was tempted to push the sofa back in front of the door, but I knew it was probably unnecessary. And tomorrow, I would have to go back to work, if I wanted to keep living in this apartment.

I sighed, and opened my phone. 223 messages. Slowly I started to clear them, deleting most without reading or listening. I left a few each from Mary Lou, Connie and Lula, but couldn't bring myself to listen to them now. Time enough tomorrow. Now I was tired, drained and completely depressed.

I made myself a peanut butter and olive sandwich for dinner, fed Rex some nuggets and a grape, and went and brushed my teeth before crawling back into bed.

Tomorrow is another day. Just wasn't sure if I wanted to live in it anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: Hi guys. I only got three reviews for the last chapter. Very sad me :`-( Please let me know if you like my story - if not, tell me how I can improve it, please!_

 _WARNING: this is HIGH ANGST – if you don't like angst, probably best not to read it. But I am planning an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. _

* * *

Chapter 3.

The next morning, I dragged myself out of bed by 8am and made myself another peanut butter sandwich for breakfast. Two cups of coffee later and I dragged myself down to the car. I sat in big blue and contemplated my fate. My financial situation was starting to look a little desperate, but I _really_ wanted a donut. I could drive through at Dunkin' Donuts, but I was craving a Boston Crème from Tasty Pastry – Burg central.

 _May as well face it, gotta happen sooner or later_.

I kept my head down and didn't look at anyone in Tasty Pastry. I limited myself to four donuts, all I could afford, ate one in the car, and took the other three with me to the office. Hopefully they would distract Connie and Lula a bit, but I doubted that was remotely possible. I sighed as I pulled into the office. It was probably still too early for Lula, but Connie was there.

"OHMIGOD Steph, where have you been?!" the shriek nearly deafened me as I walked through the door. I was _sorely_ tempted to just turn around and leave again, but the image of my landlord kept me going.

"Vinnie is going ballistic, we've got about 20 FTAs and Lula has refused to leave the office, in case you came in. Why haven't you been answering your phone?"

I looked at her.

"OK, I understand why, but Vinnie's ready to fire your ass."

I sighed. "Vinnie's not going to fire me, Connie, he doesn't have any other BEAs. Joyce doesn't count." I saw an opportunity, "So I'll get started on the skips – can I have the folders?"

"Oh no! NO! You can't do that, Lula would _kill_ me if you left before she comes in. Vinnie's not here yet, so sit your ass down sister!"

I sighed again, took my second donut and sat down. Once she was convinced I wasn't going to cut and run, Connie handed me a stack of folders. "Those eight are the most urgent. Three expire tomorrow, the rest by the end of the week." I started to flip through them and made a few notes while I waited for Lula to appear.

Forty minutes later, she breezed through the door. As soon as she saw me, she seemed to swell up like the blueberry girl in Willie Wonka. "Girl, where have you BEEN?! I've been going nutso. You disappear for a _week_ , you don't answer your phone, you don't answer your door!"

 _Huh, guess she was knocking, don't really remember that_.

"And then the whole Morelli thing just exploded! Why you can't talk to us?!"

"I'm sorry Lula, Connie. Morelli came over to my house last Tuesday night and told me about Terri Gilman, told me he was moving to Detroit in four days, and then he just left! I was… really upset. And I needed some time. Alone. Surely you can understand that?"

"So you were just at home, hiding out?" Connie asked.

"Yeah."

Lula frowned, "But you didn't answer the door. And your car wasn't in the lot. I thought you must have gone away somewhere."

"No, my car was stripped down on Stark last Monday, remember?"

"Huh. Forgot that. So that's why you got big blue?" I nodded. "What yo momma say when you went over to pick it up? Bet she was pissed!"

Tears started to well up again, and I kept my gaze on the folder open in my lap, even though it was too blurred to read. I said quietly, "My mom wouldn't talk to me. She was really upset about the rumor about Ranger."

Connie looked sympathetic at that. But Lula wouldn't let it go. "Didn't ya tell her you were just working over there? That's what you told us, you were looking for the Rug."

"Well, we were looking for the Rug, but… we were staying there together. _Together,_ together." I almost-whispered. "When Morelli showed up, he leapt to the right conclusion. I guess he told his mom, so she wouldn't see him as the total bad guy. He decided I had to take the blame as well."

Lula's eyes were like ping-pong balls. "So you were doing the nasty with Batman when Supercop showed up? No wonder they both looked like prize-fighters after a match when they came back."

"We weren't _literally_ doing the nasty when he showed up, but yeah. It didn't go down well." _Massive understatement, I thought they were going to kill each other_. "So anyway, Morelli came back, got drunk, slept with Gilman, and the rest is history. He just didn't have the balls to tell me until a couple days before he skipped town. And then he threw me under the bus for the Burg gossips, before he ran. Chickenshit."

Lula looked at me curiously. "So now what, White Girl? You gonna go after Batman again? Whatcha gonna do?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. I haven't even thought about what I say to Ranger about all of this. It's probably not necessary to tell him, I'm sure he's already heard the whole story. And I doubt he's worried about the rumors about us. Ranger has told me repeatedly that he's not looking for a commitment or relationship.

What I need to do right now is pay my rent and buy some groceries. There's a couple of regular skips here I can pick up no problems this morning, and I know Margie Valducci, who's one of the ones due tomorrow. She's from the Burg, and it was a pretty simple shoplifting charge, I don't think she'll present any problems. So I'll pick up those three, and then I'm going to do a bit of research on the other five in this stack. Hopefully, I can pick up the other two that are due, either this afternoon or tomorrow morning. Then I can get to some of the others. One of these is a biggie, $50k bond. Possession with intent, and carrying concealed. I'm going to need a plan for that one, but it's not due til Friday, so I'll try and clear the others first."

"Well, I'm ready to ride shotgun, White Girl, that donut hit the spot. Although I might need more, if I'm gonna last until lunch."

"I don't have any money left, Lula, you'll have to buy your own donuts until I bring in a couple of these skips."

"No worries, girl, we're on the job."

Connie broke in, "You'd better get going, if you want to avoid Vinnie. He'll be in before 10."

That was enough motivation to get me out the door, Lula hot on my heels. She eyed big blue with distaste, but didn't say anything as we drove off towards Dunkin' Donuts. No way was I going back to Tasty Pastry today.

By lunch time, we had picked up Margie and Eula, the homeless bag lady. We couldn't find any fixed address for Mooner – guess he was still living out of the bus. I drove around for a while, looking for it, but no luck.

By lunch time, I also had a fairly impressive headache building. Lula would not shut up about the whole situation with Morelli and Ranger and me, and peppered me with questions about our time in Hawaii. I did my best to avoid answering, but she was pretty relentless.

I was having a hard time dealing with Lula's gossip and chattering, and several times I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from snapping at her. I was still feeling depressed from Morelli's betrayal and my mom's disapproving rejection, and Lula wasn't helping.

Eventually I couldn't take any more, "Lula, I'm going to drop you back at the office and head home to do some research on my laptop on these skips. I'll let you know when I'm going to head out again."

Lula balked. "Come on white girl, you been gone for a week! We've barely caught up. Let's grab some lunch and you can do your research back at the office."

"No, I want to go home."

"Going home's not gonna catch you any skips. You gotta stop worrying about the gossips, and own it Steph. So you slept with Batman, who wouldn't? Morelli's a prick, so what? Gotta get back on the horse and ride with it."

"Lula, Morelli really hurt me. And _everyone_ is talking about me, I can't turn a corner without someone's phone going to their ear. I'm tired, and I'm not ready to eat out anywhere. Not to mention I haven't cashed a check yet, and don't have any money!"

"Humph!" Lula grunted. She folded her arms and stomped out of the car when we got to the office. I decided not to follow her in to cash my body receipts. I'd come back later this afternoon. Probably.

I went home and crashed onto my bed and lay there for a while. Unfortunately, Lula was right about one thing, this wasn't going to catch me any skips or pay my rent. So I dragged myself up into the kitchen. My lunch options were severely limited, so I made another peanut butter and olive sandwich, and grabbed a couple of Tastykakes. I hadn't made much of a dent in my rent this morning, but at least I had made enough to buy some more groceries. As I ate the sandwich, I logged onto my laptop, and started researching the other two skips that were due tomorrow.

I felt washed out and unenthusiastic, but I worked diligently for an hour. I decided not to go back for Lula, but go and try and pick up one of my skips now. He was wanted for domestic assault, and I'd discovered in my research that he'd been laid off work after the charges, so probably he was at home, drinking and beating on his wife. The bond was worth $800 to me, which would be very helpful, so I checked my stun gun was charged and headed out.

Half an hour later, I slid back into big blue, laid my head on the steering wheel and tried not to cry again. Gary Lanston had been home, drunk, abusive, and unfortunately nearly twice my size. Before I could hit him with the stun gun, he had shoved his fist in my face, pushed me off his front porch and driven off while I was laying dazed and clutching my rapidly-swelling left eye. I now had a terrific shiner to match my bruised heart. And no Gary.

As I drove back to the office, I wondered if I really wanted to keep doing this. It was something that crossed my mind with distressing regularity, but recent events had escalated it to screaming thoughts. I knew I desperately needed money, but I was not sure if it was worth this.

I walked into the office. Lula eyed me coldly, guess she was still upset with me. Connie gasped when she saw my face, and went back to the storeroom, emerging with an icepack, which she cracked to activate, and handed it to me. I put it on my eye with a sigh.

"What happened?"

"Gary Lanston. Didn't want to go back to the pokey. Punched me and pushed me off the porch, before he took off."

"Maybe he wouldn't've if you'd taken backup." Lula snarled.

I handed Connie my body receipts from this morning, and ignored Lula's comment. "Is Mooner still driving around in the bus?"

"Shit, yeah. I forgot to tell you this morning. He parks it at a friend's place at night, he gave me the address." Connie found the address, and handed it to me on a sticky note.

"I'm going to see if I can pick him up now. I'll drop him back off, and then I'm heading home. I'll be back tomorrow, I can try for Lanston again, and I'll check if Brad Young is at work in the morning. Those are the other two due tomorrow."

"Sure," Connie said.

"Bye Connie, bye Lula." Lula just snorted.

I sat in big blue, still holding the icepack and sighed. I still had four days to pick up Mooner and I wasn't coming back today to pick up the check. I gave in, and headed to a grocery store instead. I couldn't take another peanut-butter-sandwich meal, and there was no way I was going to my parents' place for dinner. I stocked up on staples, and headed home.

Today had been supremely depressing and disheartening. I wasn't sure it was even worth getting out of bed tomorrow. I just wanted someone to be on my side. I know my grandma was, but I couldn't visit her at the moment. I needed a friend.

I decided to call Mary Lou.

* * *

 _AN: In case you can't tell, I'm not always a Lula fan. I think she treats Steph pretty shitty a lot of the time, and she comes across as supremely selfish. But then, Steph seems to have no self-esteem, as she lets_ _ **everyone**_ _treat her shitty. Sigh…  
_ _I hope you don't think this is going to be just Stephanie-bashing? I assure you, that's not my intention. I think_ _all three_ _of the people in this frustrating triad are responsible and all three screwed up royally in 18, not just Steph. After all, it takes three to triangle! :)_ _  
How do you think ML will react?_


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: Awwww... all those reviews, it's so awesome, you guys ROCK! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed, you have no idea how much your thoughts and support is appreciated. Big smiles today :D_

 _WARNING: this is HIGH ANGST – if you don't like angst, probably best not to read it. But I am planning an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. _

Chapter 4.

Mary Lou had sounded distracted when I called, but I really needed to talk to her. She told me to come over in the morning when the kids were at school and play group. So the next morning I went early to Brad Young's work and convinced his boss to send him out to me, and he helped me to convince Young to go in for rebooking. I managed to get him processed at the TPD and dropped him back at work by 10.30 before I headed over to Mary Lou's.

Mary Lou let me in, and took me into the kitchen, where she had fresh coffee made. I sat there, drinking coffee and drinking in the surprising serenity of Mary Lou's home. When the kids weren't around, somehow Mary Lou seemed to create an atmosphere of calm, or maybe it was just in contrast to the chaos when the kids _were_ around.

Mary Lou seemed reluctant to start the conversation with me, she was fidgeting and looking at her coffee cup. I guessed she wasn't sure what to say, so I decided to break the ice with a little joke. "So guess what I heard about Joe Morelli?"

Mary Lou almost snorted her coffee through her nose, as she gave a huff of laughter. "Only you Steph."

"Oh Lou," I moaned, "This has been about the worst week of my life. Between Morelli, my mother not talking to me, the whole Burg against me and my skip punching me out yesterday, I really needed to see you today."

I began moaning out the whole Morelli story, I knew she probably had already heard all the details of Joe's side from the grapevine, but I needed to bitch out _my_ side of the whole, shitty scenario to someone, someone I _knew_ would be on my side. Mary Lou seemed unusually silent as I whined and moaned my way through the whole disastrous night with Joe, my week of misery, and my mom's devastating reaction.

Eventually, as her silence stretched on beyond anything I could really ignore, I had to ask, "Why aren't you saying anything Lou? You haven't said more than three words since I got here."

Mary Lou shifted on her chair again. She hesitated, and then asked, "Steph, umm… can I ask you…?"

"You want to know if it's true about me and Ranger in Hawaii."

"Well, yeah."

I sighed. "Well it is true. We were sleeping together over there. I didn't get angry with Joe about sleeping with Gilman. Well… OK, honestly I _was_ really angry, but I knew I was being hypocritical. But what made me _so_ angry was that he knew for _seven weeks_ and didn't tell me! Seven weeks when I thought we were still a couple! And then he comes and tells me _four days_ before they skip town. And, to add insult to injury, he throws me under the bus with his mother and all the Burg gossips! _I'm_ the one who has to stay here, live here. He could have left me with a little dignity! Don't you think Morelli should be strung up by his balls?"

Mary Lou sighed. She leaned in to put her cup on the coffee table and looked at me for a minute. Eventually, she sighed again and said quietly, "No Steph, I'm sorry but I don't. I am really sorry that you have been so hurt by all this, I can see it has upset you, but I just can't see Joe as the big bad wolf here.

I can't help feeling like Joe was… Steph, I know he cheated on you, but you cheated _first_. I really can't believe you would think that's OK, after what you went through with Dickie."

"It… It was… Mary Lou, it was _Ranger_! You know I love him, I've been in love with him for ages. And Joe was the one who suggested we see other people! I wasn't cheating, _he_ was the one who set the rules!"

"If you weren't cheating with Ranger Steph, then Joe wasn't cheating with Terri either. You can't have it both ways. Either you were _both_ cheating, or neither of you were. And even though Joe may have said that about seeing other people, it still seems he was pretty devastated when he found you with Ranger. From what I've heard, he was really upset and hurt that night he met Terri at the bar. Most people are inclined to do stupid things when they face something like that. If Terri hadn't got pregnant, it probably wouldn't have even broken you two up."

"If Gilman hadn't got pregnant, he probably wouldn't have even told me!" I retorted.

"Maybe not, but if Joe hadn't turned up in Hawaii, would you have told him about Ranger?"

"I… I… I would've…" I spluttered. I didn't know what to say. _Would I have told Morelli?_

I wanted to scream and shout at her. She sounded so unsympathetic and totally not on my side. I had expected her to rant at Morelli and call him every nasty name under the sun. She was my _best friend_ , for crying out loud!

"I'm sorry Steph, but it seemed to me he was between a rock and hard place. He had done the wrong thing, yes, but now he had to step up and do the right thing, even though it was going to hurt you."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well, think about it," Mary Lou reasoned, "if he _hadn't_ stepped up when he found out Terri was pregnant? If he hadn't taken responsibility for the baby? What would you have thought of him then? I mean, would you have really wanted to be with a man like that? I think he was facing a bit of an impossible choice; damned if he did, damned if he didn't."

I considered that reluctantly. "I guess that's true. I wouldn't have thought much of him if he'd abandoned her or ignored her when he found out."

"I know Steph. It was pretty much a no-win for him with you. I know you're really upset, and I'm sorry for that. And he should have told you as soon as he found out, I'm not disagreeing with you about that. He handled the whole thing badly. Although, with Terri's family involved, I do understand his motivation. I'm not excusing him Steph, just saying, with Vito Grizolli involved… most people might chicken out."

"I just can't believe he got Gilman pregnant, and decided to marry her and move to Detroit, for crying out loud. I felt so _betrayed_ , Lou. We had made up, worked it out, we were back together! And then, BAM!"

"Steph…" she broke off.

" _What_?"

Mary Lou hesitated, "I'm sorry Steph, but you just sound more angry than sad. It makes me wonder if you're more upset about being betrayed by the man you love, or about the mess he left you in. I know you always said you love Joe, but you don't seem to be in floods of tears about him being gone. You seem to be in tears for having to put up with the shit from the gossips and your mother."

I looked at her incredulously.

"I'm not trying to hurt you more Steph, but I… I guess I just want you to look at this realistically. This isn't going to blow over tomorrow, people are going to be gossiping about this for weeks or probably months. This is major Burg news! And you're going to have to figure out how you handle it.

If you're really devastated about Joe, then you might want to avoid all the gossips for a while, because they won't let up, and it will keep upsetting you more and more.

But, well, if you are more upset about the gossips than Joe, then you can avoid them, but it's probably better if you toughen up and face them, because the more you hide, the more they'll just keep talking. And, let's face it, they already think you're running off to the other guy you've got waiting in the wings. If you just walk out there with your head held high, and ignore them, eventually they'll move on and find something else to talk about."

I found myself staring at Mary Lou. I had never really credited her with such insight, such wisdom. I guess she was kind of a 'master' of Burg gossip. Sadly, she was also probably right. No matter how much I hated it, this wasn't going to go away.

Mary Lou seemed to want to say something more, but did not seem to know how to start. I asked resignedly, "What else Mary Lou?"

"Well, I know I sound like I'm just looking for gossip like everyone else, but I'm not going to say anything to anyone. I just can't help wondering…"

"Wondering _what_?"

"Well… what _is_ going on with you and Ranger? Will you get back together with him, now Joe's gone?"

"I don't really know what's going on. After we got back from Hawaii, we kind of hooked up once – _before_ Morelli and I got back together, I hasten to add! But once we did get back together, well, I wasn't going to do that to either of them again. Ranger disappeared for a while off to Miami, or one of his other offices or something, and we've only seen each other a couple times since. We're still friends, I hope, but with Morelli in the picture, I…

Now, I don't know. He keeps telling me things like 'his lifestyle doesn't lend itself to relationships' and 'his love doesn't come with a ring', so he's not exactly leading me to think he wants lifelong devotion from me." I said despondently.

"Do _you_ want lifelong devotion from _him_?" Mary Lou asked.

I paused as tears threatened again, "Maybe, if he'd ever offer," I whispered. "But I don't think he will."

Mary Lou looked genuinely sympathetic this time. "I can see you really do love him, Steph. Maybe he just couldn't cope with sharing you with Joe, any more than Joe could with him. With Joe gone, who knows? Maybe you should talk to him."

"I… I'll think about it," I sighed.

"Steph, I'm sorry, but I have to pick up Toby from play group in half an hour. Do you want to come with?"

"Uh, no, not today. I have to pick up a skip, the bond runs out today." I gathered my bag and keys. "Thanks for listening, Lou."

"Anytime Steph. I'm sorry the gossips are being so vicious. And I'm really sorry about your mom. Call me soon, OK?"

I wasn't sure how I was feeling after my chat with Mary Lou. On the one hand, she had helped me to get a bit of perspective on the whole deal. On the other hand, I had been really hoping she would just side with me, and join me in Morelli-bashing. I felt flat, like I was just on the wrong side of everyone, being judged by everyone and coming up short. My mom, Lula, Connie, Mary Lou, everyone seemed to think Morelli wasn't the bad guy, but I was. I felt even more depressed.

I drove off to the office to cash in the check from Young this morning, and see if I could persuade Lula to ride shotgun to pick up Lansen this afternoon. I picked up a bucket of fried chicken and took it to the office to share with the girls for lunch, and soften up Lula. Fortunately it worked, and Lula agreed to come with me to pick up Lansen after we ate.

Fate seemed to be smiling on me with my skips a bit more today, because when we arrived at Lansen's place, we could see him through the front window, passed out drunk on the sofa. Even better, his wife let us in, and allowed us to cuff him, and helped us to half-carry, half-drag him out to the car. Considering she looked worse than I did, with two black eyes and a split lip, I'm pretty sure she was hoping he wouldn't get bailed out again.

We dropped Lansen off at the station, and I took Lula back to the office to pick up my check. I had made over $1000 today, less Lula's cut of Lansen, so I was feeling a bit more relaxed about my financial situation. If I brought in the rest of the skips due by the end of the week, I would more than make my rent.

But I still needed a plan for the drugs-and-guns guy. And maybe some backup. I wondered if this might make a good excuse to go and talk to Ranger. I could feel him out about the whole Morelli situation, and try and get a read about whether he might be interested in something more with me.

I thought again about what Mary Lou had said, about whether I would have told Morelli about Ranger and me in Hawaii. In truth, Morelli turning up in Hawaii not only forced my hand with him, but it also burst the bubble of illusion that seemed to have formed around Ranger and me there. I really wasn't sure _what_ would have happened if Morelli hadn't shown up. We were acting so much like a _couple_ , like we were in love. After a while, it didn't even seem to be an act. Maybe there _could_ be something for us?

I hit speed dial #1.

"Yo."

"Yo yourself. I've got an issue with a skip. Can I come and talk to you?"

"Got meetings all afternoon. Drop by after six."

"OK, thanks." I was listening to a dial tone. His phone manners never improved. But I was encouraged by the timing of the meeting. Maybe we could have dinner on seven, and talk about more personal issues as well? At least, I hoped we could.

 _AN: So ML wasn't totally on her side. There is more angst to come, but don't despair. Steph does find someone to be on her side, just maybe not who you are expecting…  
_


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: I'm not sure if the CAPS shouting in the last guest review is directed at me or Stephanie. But either way, if you don't like the story, please just stop reading. The warnings I have given from the beginning are for angst! Lots of angst. So, if you prefer stories where Steph gets her shit together quickly and everyone is nice to her, this may not be the story for you...  
_

 _Other than that though, I really appreciate your reviews and wish I could have lots more! Pretty please... :) I have rewritten this chapter so many times, I finally decided I just had to go with it. Sorry if you think it is not perfect, I don't either... sigh._

 _Remember, this is HIGH ANGST – and this chapter is where the angst kicks it up another notch…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. _

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Chapter 5.

I pulled into the Rangeman garage at 6.03. Ranger had said to drop by after six, and this was after six right? I hoped I didn't appear too eager, but the truth was, I was starting to get really anxious to see Ranger. It had been a while since I had really seen him, or spoken to him. He had been gone for weeks, and I seemed to not run into him at the office, or anywhere else. I wondered briefly if it was on purpose. But I hoped he'd just been busy.

I got into the elevator to go to five, and gave my signature finger wave to whoever was on the monitors. Once I reached five, I walked towards Ranger's office, stopping to say hi to a couple of the guys I knew better. At Ranger's office, I wondered if I should knock. Ranger always seemed to know when I entered the building, but he didn't call out to come in, so I knocked. And knocked again. At the third knock, Tank stuck his head out of his office next door.

"Oh, hi Stephanie. Ranger's not back in his office after his last meeting. Were you looking for him?"

"He told me to drop by after six."

"Oh, well. His office will be locked, but you're welcome to wait in the break room. Ella will have food out for dinner, if you're hungry."

I was a little deflated, but I smiled, thanked him and walked toward the break room. I didn't intend to eat, since I was still hoping Ranger would invite me to eat with him on seven. But I would wait there, and see if there was anyone to chat to.

Sadly the break room was empty. And there were no magazines or anything else I thought a break room should have to keep you occupied while waiting. The casserole that Ella had set out for the men smelled delicious, and I was pretty close to caving and getting myself a small sample, when I heard the elevator ding. I got up and moved toward the door, to see if Ranger had arrived.

He walked out of the elevator with Lester and another man I did not recognise. Ranger was dressed as Armani Ranger today, and my hormones couldn't help but moan a quiet _yum_. They seemed to be talking very seriously, and Lester's hands moved to emphasise the point he was making. Suddenly, Ranger looked up, instinctively homing in on me standing at the break room doorway. He said something to the others, who also looked up at me. Lester gave me a small smile, and the man I didn't know looked at me curiously.

Then Ranger came up to me. "Babe. You been here long?"

"No just a few minutes," I moved towards him, "I arrived after six and was just waiting in here for you."

"Sure. Come along, we'll go into my office. I'm glad you stopped by, I have something I have been wanting to talk to you about." My heart fluttered a little at that. "You said you wanted to talk about a skip?" Ranger unlocked his office, and motioned me toward the comfortable sofa. I settled on the sofa, but was disappointed when he didn't follow me, but seated himself at his desk.

I began to explain about the skip, "Leroy Pauley. Possession with intent and carrying concealed. The bond's 50k, but I am concerned about gang affiliations and whatever other armory he might have in his house. I hoped I could run him through your search programs and maybe have someone back me up to pick him up. Bond's due Friday."

"Sure, sounds like no problem," Ranger agreed. "Come by in the morning to run him through the search. Tank'll find you an empty cubicle you can use. Cal and Binkie come off patrol at 10.30. If you can get a couple of addresses to check, they can go with you before they go off shift."

I nodded, a little disappointed. I had been hoping he would offer to help me himself. I asked hopefully, "Do you want to get something to eat together while we talk about what you wanted?"

"I'll probably grab something in the break room later," he refused, "You're welcome to grab something yourself before you go." My heart sank.

I gathered my courage around me and dove in, "Actually I _was_ wanting to talk to you about something else, Ranger. Something more personal."

"Oh, what's up?"

"Well… Maybe you heard about Morelli?" I asked quietly. He nodded without speaking. "Well, the last week has been, well completely crap, honestly. And I wanted to talk to you, you know, as a friend."

"Don't know what I can say, Babe. Seems like a done deal from here." I couldn't believe he sounded so blank and unsympathetic. Where had all the Stephanie sympathy gone?

"A done deal? Really?" I asked incredulously.

"Babe, he's gone. Detroit, so I hear. And I doubt Grizolli is going to welcome him or Gilman back anytime soon. So I'm not sure there's anything I can do for you."

"I'm not looking to get him back, Ranger!" I exclaimed. "I just… I thought… I wanted a friendly ear to listen, maybe offer some empathy."

Ranger looked at me with an unfathomable expression for an uncomfortably long time. "Stephanie, I know we have had a strange kind of friendship over the years, with this weird triangle you have perpetuated, but crying on my shoulder over Morelli seems to me to be pushing it a bit too far. Not really sure that's my role as your friend. Maybe you should go talk to Mary Lou."

" _I have perpetuated?!_ You've been here too Ranger, you're not an innocent bystander! And I have talked to Mary Lou. I… I don't think I'm explaining this very well. I was…" I muttered, confused.

"Babe."

"Please don't 'Babe' me Ranger. After the shitty week I've had, I'm not up to interpreting 'Babes'."

"I'm at a loss here, _Stephanie_. I really don't know what you want from me."

I sighed. "Well, I guess I was wondering… with Morelli out of the picture… I was wondering if…"

"Stop there, Stephanie," Ranger said abruptly, "I _really_ hope you weren't going to say what I think you were about to say. Because I'm not some toy you can pick up when your favorite toy gets broken or lost. I'm not some consolation prize you can claim."

"NO! Ranger, no! That's not what I meant. I've _never_ thought about you as a consolation prize. To be honest, I think Morelli was more like that…"

"That's really not much better Stephanie."

"Well, what was I supposed to do? You are _always_ feeding me lines like 'My life doesn't lend itself to relationships' and 'My love comes with a condom not a ring'. You even _sent me back to him_ , in case you have conveniently forgotten that. After that first night together, you made it perfectly clear that _you_ were the prize I could never claim."

"That was a long time ago Stephanie, and a lot has happened since then."

"So you're telling me that you _do_ want a relationship with me now?" _Maybe there was hope after all…_

Ranger sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose tiredly, "No, that's not what I'm saying."

"What do you mean?"

Ranger shook his head, "No Stephanie, you _really_ don't want to get into this with me right now. I'm tired and not in the best frame of mind. Maybe we should take a break from this conversation and try again tomorrow." He added, "I have a mountain of paperwork before I can finish for the night."

I felt the rhino rising, "Screw that Ranger! I am _so sick_ of you dictating the terms of this _relationship_ , giving me only silence or a cryptic 'Babe' when I dare to ask you a question. What do you mean you don't want a relationship with me, we already _have_ a relationship! _What do you mean?!_ "

He looked at me, blank face firmly in place. "Fine, Stephanie, if that's the way you want it, let's do this. I have pushed you away in the past. _My lifestyle doesn't lend itself to relationships_. I said that, and I meant it. A relationship with me would mean almost constant danger, and I could never offer you a picket fence Burg dream.

The first day we met Stephanie, I helped you buy a gun, and told you how dangerous this profession is. You put your gun in your cookie jar, and you never buy bullets. You refuse to even make sure your defensive weapons are charged. I tried to take you running, help you learn skills. You almost never take backup, or you go into dangerous situations with Lula, despite knowing the offer is always there. You actively subvert any attempts to protect you. The day you went after Con Stiva though, that was the day I realised you were never going to take your safety seriously. And I knew that if you don't care about your own safety with your own stalkers and crazies, you were _never_ going to be able to handle mine."

I had sat frozen through all of this. It was the longest speech I had ever heard Ranger make, and I was pretty sure he wasn't finished.

Ranger sighed again, "The DeChooch deal was my fault. Completely. Despite myself, despite Morelli, I couldn't get you out of my head. I thought if I had one night with you, I could get over you. But it didn't work, you crawled under my skin. The slayers, and then Scrog, I just kept growing more and more fascinated with you. And then, finally before Hawaii, _you_ _came to me_ , and I could see the passion we could have. And then Hawaii…

But it all went to crap again. You came running back here after dumping me in Hawaii, then had sex with me in Joyce's closet, before dumping me again and telling me you were 'off men'. _Days_ later, you're back in Morelli's bed. I'm smart enough to see the writing on _that_ wall. That was the final straw for me.

So I have been willing to be your friend, but nothing more. Not again. If I'd ever thought we could have a relationship more than friendship, it died right then and there." Ranger spoke quietly, but the anger was clear in his voice. "To be perfectly clear, Stephanie, _that was not OK_. Then coming here a week after Morelli dumps you, Stephanie, looking for a relationship with me again, _is not OK either_."

I was completely floored, and beyond speechless. I just stared at him for several minutes, as his words reverberated around my mind. A tear began to track down my cheek, as I realised how it must appear to him. He was right, I _was_ treating him like I could come and pick him up like a fall-back toy when my favorite was gone.

I wanted to get up and run out his office, run out of the building, but my limbs were frozen and I couldn't move. It seemed he still wasn't finished anyway.

"So, I have been running my business. And that leads me to what I needed to talk to _you_ about. Something has come up in my business, and I have been forced to make some choices. My manager in Atlanta has been having some serious personal problems with his health, and he has decided he can't continue to run the office. That was him you saw me get off the elevator with.

Also, Rangeman Atlanta has been having some other problems, losing clients and trouble attracting new business. So I have decided to move to Atlanta for a while, and get the business back on track."

I finally found my voice, although it was just a whisper, "How long?"

"Six months at least. Maybe a year. I'm leaving Tank in charge here, and Bobby is going to be his second in charge. Lester's coming with me to Atlanta to help me fix things there, and another man from Atlanta is coming here to fill in for him. Santos may come back after 6 months or so. My plans are more fluid. I may come back, or not. I have been thinking for a while that Atlanta or Miami would put me closer to Julie, and I want to be around, at least a bit closer, through her teenage years."

The tears were running unchecked down my face now.

"You can call Tank whenever you need help. There is a standing order that he should give you backup whenever you need it. If you need a job anytime, you can talk to Tank. If he has something, I'm sure he'll offer. The apartment on seven will be empty if you need a safe house, it's the same apartment I have at all of my buildings, and it is always kept empty for me."

I hung my head. His eyes that had always softened and darkened for me, were cold and blank. I couldn't look at his hard eyes anymore. "When?" I whispered.

"Four days." It was like a hammer blow to my chest. Another man I loved leaving me in four days! I wondered if my heart had stopped beating, I was feeling dizzy so I thought the blood may have stopped pumping through me.

"I'm sorry Stephanie. Babe, I'll always care about you, but I can't do this back-and-forth anymore. I can't offer you the kind of relationship you seem to need, and you don't seem to want anything I _can_ offer you enough to stick around for long. Or to take the danger seriously enough. So, I'm done, I need a break from whatever this is. Ella is packing up my apartment on seven, I am sure she will make sure you get back anything of yours left in the apartment."

Suddenly, I stood up, surprised that my legs were working. I walked out of his office, and took the elevator to the garage without speaking, without saying goodbye. I didn't care that everyone would be able to see the tears streaming down my face. I didn't even acknowledge the looks of pity from Lester and Bobby, standing in the control room. I just left, got in my car and drove on autopilot back to my apartment.

When Morelli had left me, I felt white-hot rage, and furious devastation. Now, I felt nothing, numb, cold, completely empty. The hole Morelli left felt like a cannon-shot. I knew when I could feel this hole, it would be the size of the Grand Canyon. I sat in my apartment, not bothering to eat, unable to fall asleep.

This was beyond pain.

This was cold, empty, death.

Maybe death would even feel better.

* * *

 _AN: OK_ _ **please**_ _don't kill me, I PROMISE I am planning an eventual Babe HEA, they both just have to work through some stuff first. And Steph will (eventually) get to call him on his shit too! I've said it before, it takes three to triangle!  
I promise too that someone is about to reach out to Steph in friendly comfort and support. Any guesses to who it will be? Props to the first reviewer who guesses correctly! :D_


	6. Chapter 6

_AN: I am SO loving all your reviews, comments and especially your guesses for her friend. All will be revealed..._

 _WARNING: this is HIGH ANGST – and this chapter more than any is pretty much pure angst. After this, things start to get a bit lighter, and then someday, Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. _

* * *

Chapter 6.

 _This was beyond pain.  
This was cold, empty, death.  
Maybe death would even feel better._

Two days later found me still sitting in my apartment, numb and barely functioning. I wasn't watching TV, I wasn't watching Ghostbusters. I suppose I must have gotten up a few times to use the bathroom, or maybe to get a drink of water, but time seemed blurred and I couldn't remember. I had dozed some on the sofa, I guess, but had not been able to go and sleep in my bed. Not _that bed_ , the bed where I had slept with _him_.

I didn't really remember eating either. Unlike the Morelli fallout, I hadn't had any desire to rip anything apart. If I thought about it, I knew there were Ranger's t-shirts in my closet, uniforms that I could have destroyed. But I had no energy or desire to even find them, let alone trash them. My apartment appeared neat and relatively clean. I was just sitting here, like I was waiting for something, I wasn't sure what. Death? The world to end? It felt like it already had.

I supposed my phone must have been ringing, I probably had another hundred messages. Maybe someone even came to my door again. But again, I had no memory or awareness of it. The dazed numbness was still gripping me, and I felt no connection to the outside world. _This_ was what it was like to lose the person you loved more than anything in the world. Not the rage and humiliation of Morelli's betrayal, not the anger and disgust of the dick's betrayal, just this cold, empty numbness. Knowing that the pain that was lurking behind it would be crippling, if I allowed myself to feel it.

I wasn't really sure what day it was. If I thought about it, it was probably approaching Friday, when some of my skips were due to expire, but I couldn't bring myself to really care. I didn't care if I never chased a skip again.

Gradually a squeaking noise impinged on my near-catatonic state. Looking around disinterestedly, I realised it was Rex running on his wheel. Of all the things in the world, maybe this was the only one that could touch anywhere inside me. I really loved Rex. I had originally bought him as a symbol of my independence and rebuilding my life after my disastrous divorce. Then he became the one who listened to me as I told him of all my sadness, my catastrophes, my fears and nightmares. He became a reason to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. Had I been feeding him? Did he have water?

The fog of my grief thinned slightly, as I dragged myself up, and stumbled as the pins and needles assaulted my legs, from sitting in one position way too long. I deep-breathed through it and walked it off as I went to check on Rex. _Huh_. A few hamster nuggets in his bowl and water bottle half-full. _Guess I hadn't been a total screw-up as a hamster mommy on top of everything else._ Slowly, I went about feeding him a few of the wilting grapes, and re-filling his food and water. He jumped off his wheel, stuffed the grapes into his cheeks and ran into his can, his butt wiggling in joy. So much for pet-mommy interaction.

I opened the fridge and stared into it, wondering if I should eat. I thought of making a peanut butter and olive sandwich, but I couldn't find the energy or enthusiasm to do anything about it. A box of Tastykakes sat on the counter, so I grabbed two and ate them, but even my favorite snack tasted bland and unappealing.

Finally, I wandered into the bedroom, thinking I would just go to bed. But I stood in the doorway, and the image of Ranger was everywhere. Naked and delicious on the bed. With his head under the covers… _Oh, NO! Don't go THERE!_ Sitting on the chair beside the bed watching me sleep. Leaning in the doorway, with his trademark, tucked-up-corners smile, watching me dress for a distraction. His hands sliding up my chest to place a mic, cupping my breast… _His hard body against mine, the length of him pressing against me…_

I couldn't take it.

So I wandered back to the sofa and sat back down, flicking on the TV. News. A potentially destructive storm approaching Atlanta. Changed the channel angrily. A Miami Vice rerun. I stabbed the button again. A war movie. I hit the off button and leaned my head back against the sofa. _This was not going to be easy._

After sitting there for a while, I wrinkled my nose, as I realised I could smell myself, and it wasn't a very nice smell. Guess I hadn't been showering. My memory was assaulted again as I walked into the bathroom, the twin images of Morelli cuffing me to the shower rod, and Ranger uncuffing me. Ranger telling me he was good in the shower. The scent of Bulgari in the steamy air. _Rivulets of water streaming down mocha-latte skin…_

Maybe it was time to move? I wasn't sure if I could take the memories of this place anymore.

I pushed the memories away and focused on having a quick shower, washing and conditioning my hair in record time. I avoided the shower gel taunting me on the side of the bath, and rinsed my body with shampoo. Finishing the shower, I dried off, wrapped myself in a towel and walked out to the kitchen to dump the bottle of Bulgari in the trash. Definitely have to buy something new. Something that smelled _nothing_ like Bulgari. Maybe something feminine and soft, vanilla or strawberry.

Speaking of smells, why did this place smell like cinnamon and pine? My shampoo was a vaguely flowery smell, so I didn't think it could be me. It smelled really like _Christmas_. Then it hit me, _Oh God NO! Not HIM! NOT NOW!_

I turned around and sure enough, there he was, sitting on my sofa, watching me seriously, uncharacteristically quiet. I closed my eyes, hoping he would be gone when I opened them again. No such luck. He still sat there, looking at me.

I would have expected some comment about removing my towel, or helping me dry off, but he just regarded me solemnly and said, "Hi Steph."

I don't know why that would get to me, but somehow it did. The tears that had not fallen since I left Haywood Street days ago started to flow. He opened his arms and I stumbled into them and he held me, rocking me on the sofa as I began to sob. He didn't try to shush me or tell me to stop, just held me and soothed me until the storm had passed.

I lay quiescent in his lap for a while, until I finally drew a shivery breath and leaned back to look into his sympathetic gaze.

"Hi Diesel." He smiled at me, softly. "What are you doing here?"

"I was… passing through. I'm staying up in Salem for now, working with another Unmentionable for a while on something for the BUM. We hit a bit of a lull in things, and I came for a quick visit."

"Are you tracking someone here? 'Cause honestly, I couldn't take it right now."

He shook his head, "No honey, I'm just here in Trenton for you. People are worried about you."

I snorted, although with my tear-clogged nose, it sounded more like a sneeze. "Like who? Can't think of anyone who cares about me right now."

He looked at me seriously, "Like me, I care. I bet, if you asked her, Mary Lou cares too, not to mention your grandma, your other friends."

More tears began to flow again, "No, they all blame me. For Joe. And when it comes out about Ranger, they'll all blame me for that too. Nobody cares."

He hugged me tightly, "I care."

I began to bawl again.

* * *

 _AN: So, if anyone out there thinks this chapter is a little OTT, I can assure you it is really not. Steph is grieving, she's hit rock bottom. I have recent, all-too-real experience with grief. I lost the two people I was closest to in the world last year, and I'm writing from experience. The strongest, most long-lasting feeling is the numb, empty disbelief. Even now, some days I still feel it. And there have been so many days when only my fur-baby got me out of bed in the morning and gave the strength to face another day (see my profile pic). But there are better days ahead - for Steph too. :)_

 _OK, so 3 cheers to trhodes9_ _who guessed Diesel! :) Some of the ideas were really creative (Eddie, Jeanne Ellen, various MM) and some were really out there (Vinnie, Joyce, Bella - can I say ick?!) So now, how do you think Diesel will help her?_


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: It's funny, I had the whole outline of this story before I started writing it, and I am writing the chapters about a couple in advance, just editing and revising them before I post. But reading your reviews is really starting to influence my writing and make me think about how I am developing the characters. I think I will stick to the original outline for the story, but I am tweaking some of the details… Just wanted you to know I am really listening._

 _WARNING: this is HIGH ANGST – if you don't like angst, probably best not to read it. But I am planning an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. _

_SPOILER ALERT: From here on, for the next few chapters, spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well; really for the first two since I haven't read the third one yet. It's on my Kindle, but I just haven't got to it. Anyone read it? Do you think it's any good? I liked the first two, but the third one she has co-authored which I find a bit off-putting with JE. She must spread herself too thin, since she is always taking on co-authors. Maybe that's why the Plum series has suffered? Just my thoughts, sorry I'll stop rambling and get on with it! :)_

* * *

Chapter 7.

It was Saturday. The day _he_ was leaving.

Diesel had dragged me out yesterday to help me pick up the remainder of the skips that were due this week, to try and distract me from the pain. But it wasn't really working. Of all things in the world, bounty hunting would always remind me of Ranger the most. _Henry Higgins…_

With Diesel there, somehow all the skips cooperated. I supposed it was his size, or something in his attitude that screamed ' _don't mess with me'_. I had never been able to master it, but I was grateful not to get tossed off any more porches or thrown in garbage. We even picked up Leroy Pauley. Diesel had me knock on his door, while he used his 'magic' to unlock the back and come through to stun him. Hey, presto! We had him in the car and heading to the cop shop. Diesel helped me drag the skips into the TPD. Maybe it was more of his unmentionable luck, but I ran into nobody I knew, we were in-and-out each time without any incident.

Saturday morning, we drove to the Bonds office, something I had been putting off until I had all the receipts. I was trying to time it to arrive as soon as Connie opened up, and to avoid Lula altogether. I still hadn't checked my messages or returned any calls since my disastrous visit to Rangeman on Tuesday night. The last two days, Diesel had made me eat, and held me tight in bed to try and help me sleep. It was comforting and surprisingly non-sexual, but it hadn't helped much. I had lost weight, and the dark circles were prominent under my eyes. Connie was going to want explanations, and I wasn't looking forward to facing her questions.

We waited in the car until Connie arrived, then Diesel helped me out. We had taken Diesel's car so Connie would not recognise big blue, and we could arrive more unexpectedly. I carried my body receipts in as soon as Connie unlocked the door, and she shrieked, _"Ohmigod Steph! Where the hell have you been!"_ loudly enough to make us both wince. Her eyes widened as Diesel walked in behind me, and I could see her drooling over his rugged, beach-boy looks.

"Hi Connie. I've just been at home. Diesel has been visiting. We picked up the rest of the urgent skips yesterday, and have the body receipts here." Connie took the receipts, seemingly in a daze, and her gaze barely left Diesel. She glanced down and slowly started to write the checks. She was obviously bursting to ask me a million questions, but seemed somehow inhibited by Diesel standing silently behind me.

She finally managed to drag her fascinated gaze away from Diesel to hand me the checks, and her eyes suddenly sharpened on me. Her face dropped, and she looked concerned at my hollow, miserable expression. She asked quietly, "What's going on Steph? You look awful. This can't be just about Joe."

I looked at her and sighed, "I'm sorry Connie, but I really don't feel up to talking about it. You're right, it's not just about Joe. But I really can't stay and chat, Diesel and I have something to do today. I just wanted to pick up my checks so I can pay my rent."

I took the checks and we walked toward the door. Connie called, "Wait Steph! Don't you want more folders? There are more skips here for you."

I half-turned toward her, without meeting her eyes and said, "Sorry Connie, I'll come back Monday and pick them up, we've really gotta go." I pushed Diesel gently to get out the door. I wasn't sure if Lula was coming in today, but if she was, I definitely wanted to get away before she showed up.

Diesel ushered me back into his car and laid his hand over mine as I sat in the car, trying to breathe. He said, "Why don't we head out to Point Pleasant, honey? We can walk on the beach a bit, eat hot dogs and ice cream? I want to talk to you, try and help you sort a few things out?"

I looked at him, "Actually the beach sounds great, Diesel. I think I'd love to head out there." I grimaced, "I don't know if I'm up to talking about much, but I don't want to go home, not today."

He grinned at me, "Well then let's go! Bet I can eat more hot dogs than you!"

I chuckled in spite of myself, "I wouldn't be so sure. I used to work selling hot dogs on the beach one summer, and every day I had to eat the leftover dogs I didn't sell to keep the job. One day I ate about nine!"

He laughed, "But you have to save room for ice cream today."

I laughed again, "Good point. OK so you might win on hot dogs, but I'll win on ice cream."

Diesel started the car and headed toward Point Pleasant. Something inside me had loosened with the release of laughing again, which I had never thought I would be able to do. I turned in the seat and rested my head to watch Diesel as he drove out of Trenton. As I watched him, I realised I didn't know much about this man. I knew he was Swiss, I knew he had a scary cousin called Wulf, and I knew he had mad skills in a variety of areas, but I didn't know his real name, or where he grew up. Finally, I asked, "Is your name really Diesel?"

He looked at me, "That's the name I use." I gave a little humph. He sighed, "You know that I'm Swiss right?" I nodded. "Well my mother and my aunt decided to give their children traditional Swiss names. Hence my cousin Gerwulf. But unfortunately my name didn't really lend itself to an abbreviated, cool name."

"And that is…" I made the 'go on' gesture with my hand.

"Ok, but you _can't tell anyone_. I swear if you do, I'll make you look after Carl."

"Carl? Who's Carl?" I was puzzled.

"Carl the monkey. You remember Carl the monkey, right?"

"Oh. Sure. But what does he have to do with anything?"

"Through a very convoluted process of nobody else wanting him, I seem to have inherited him."

"Really? Seriously? How did he end up in Salem?"

"Some animal rescue adoption agency. A friend of Lizzy's agreed to adopt him, then couldn't keep him. Lizzy was looking after him, but he's kind of adopted me. But if you tell _anyone_ my real name, I'll make sure he goes back to you!"

I cowered obediently. Diesel rolled his eyes. "Ok, it's Thiesli." I didn't know what to say to that. He said defensively, "It's a traditional Swiss name." He flashed me his beach-boy grin, "It means God's gift."

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Right."

"Actually it really does, it means 'gift of God'. Anyway, when I went to boarding school, I was bunking with this American boy, who couldn't pronounce it. He started calling me Diesel. I embraced it immediately, and started telling everyone it is my name. Now only my mother and father call me Thiesli."

I chuckled at his story. I could see a small boy at boarding school telling people his name was Thiesli, then insisting everyone call him Diesel. Somehow the story made him seem more human, more real. I started to drift off to sleep as we headed to the coast, lulled by the purr of the car.

I stirred as he pulled up into a carpark near the beach. We removed our shoes and he took my hand to lead me out to walk on the sand. I stopped to roll my jeans up my calves, and Diesel copied me, and we allowed the small waves to wash over our feet. We walked up the beach, holding hands, and I allowed the familiar sights, sounds, and smells to soothe my battered heart a little.

I glanced at Diesel, thinking how here, on the beach, his blond, surfer-dude, sun-god-like looks seemed totally at home. He looked like he belonged always in this setting. I wondered at how he had shown up, just when I was at my lowest, and how he had been a true friend to me the last few days.

I had never really thought of Diesel as a friend before, more like an annoying pest who exploded into my life periodically. But he had shown true gentleness and kindness to me now. He hadn't told me everything would work out, or be OK. But he also hadn't berated me, made me feel worse or unworthy of compassion.

The odd thing was he also hadn't tried to flirt with me, or made me feel like he wanted more from me than friendship. I couldn't help wondering if it was just because he knew I wasn't up to it, knew I was grieving for Ranger. Or was it because I wasn't attractive to him anymore?

"Yes and no," he said, out of nowhere.

"Sorry, what?" I asked in confusion.

"Yes, I haven't flirted with you because I know you need time to deal with the Ranger situation. No, I don't think you are no longer attractive."

I grimaced, "I wish you wouldn't do that. It's creepy."

He smirked, "Sorry sunshine, but you were thinking really loudly." I rolled my eyes at him. Suddenly I realised I felt more normal than I had in weeks. My heart had lifted, just a little bit.

"So Steph, I was wondering. What are your plans now?" he asked.

"I have no idea. Honestly, I feel like I have no thoughts at all left in my head. I feel like all capacity to think and plan has gone, and all I have left is breathing and living in each second."

"That's normal grief, honey. It will pass slowly, and you'll gradually find yourself able to function more normally." He paused. "Are you really going to go in and collect more skip files on Monday?"

I sighed, "You picked up on that, huh? I don't know. On the one hand, I'm going to need to keep working, if I want to pay my rent and buy hamster food. On the other hand, I feel like I never want to see another skip again. Ranger was so much a part of my life as a bounty hunter. He was my mentor, my trainer. Even though I didn't take his training seriously enough, I still thought of us as _Henry Higgins and Eliza Dolittle do Trenton_. Even more than that, though, he was my protector, my own personal Batman superhero. Without him behind me, I just don't know if I can face it."

"You'd still have the rest of his men behind you, I'm sure."

"Yeah. He left _standing orders_ they have to back me up, give me a job and let me stay in his apartment. Great. That's worse than pity sex. I was already a line item in his entertainment budget. Without him, this is probably going to push me more towards an annoying obligation for them." I kicked the sand morosely.

Diesel slipped his arm around my shoulders. "I happen to know that most of his men, especially Tank, don't think of you as entertainment, nor as an obligation. They like you, they think of you as 'spunky'. And I'm certain that none of them has _ever_ thought of having sex with you as 'pity sex'! If you could see the thoughts that have gone through their minds seeing you in your cute little bar dresses…" he smiled.

I half-smiled, "Maybe so, but with Ranger gone, I'm pretty sure it won't be long before they start thinking, 'Why are we still bothering with her now she's not Ranger's favourite distraction anymore?' I really don't want to hang around for that."

Diesel frowned, but said nothing. I added, "Plus there's the whole gossip thing at the bonds office. I know Connie and Lula care about me. I know they are my friends. But they are going to go ballistic when they find out Ranger is gone. They are going to bombard me, they won't let up until they find out why he's gone, where he went, why he's not coming back. They'll blame me, because it's going to come out somehow that Ranger left because of what happened after Hawaii. And they are two of the worst with the gossip, they feed the Burg grapevine almost more than my grandma."

Diesel shook his head, "Yeah, the gossip thing around you is fucked up, honey. I've never really seen anything like it, no matter where I've gone on this planet."

I nodded, "It's like nothing else on earth. And I'm everyone's favourite topic. I hate it, but it seems like one more cross I have to bear."

Diesel was silent for a minute. He looked up eventually, and said, "We're near one of my favourite cafes, Steph, and it's nearly lunchtime. You wanna go and get something to eat?"

I wasn't feeling really hungry, I seemed to have lost my appetite, but I knew I had to try and eat. I nodded. He led me to a little café called Vivi's that seemed to specialise in British-style fish and chips. I had to admit that the smells were mouth-watering, and I felt the faint stirrings of some hunger.

We sat down, and ordered the fish of the day, with fries and Cokes. When our food was brought, we dug in, and I was happy to remember what it was like to enjoy food again. It was delicious, sweet fish in crispy batter, and fat, salty fries that tasted of lard.

After a couple of minutes, Diesel stopped to take a drink. "So, if you weren't going to be a bounty hunter anymore, what would you want to do?"

I looked at him, surprised, "I haven't thought about it in years. The last time I tried to quit, I ended up in this string of no-hope jobs that would have killed me from boredom within a year, if they had lasted more than a couple days."

Diesel laughed, "Yeah, I bet. My favourite was the dry-cleaner."

I scowled at him. That wasn't a particularly pleasant memory for me. He hadn't had to see the blown-up bits of Mama Macaroni. " _Anyway_ , I haven't really had any career plans since I left EE Martin."

Diesel nodded thoughtfully, "Well, I do have a proposal for you, something I want you to think about something, while you're trying to regain your normality."

"What?"

"I think you need to get away from here, to gain some perspective on your life and think about what you want to be and do. I think if you stay here, you're going to slip into a depressing spiral of regretting your choices and listening to the critics around you. I think you could find a better life for yourself away from here." Diesel looked up at me and held my gaze. He said, seriously, "I want you consider coming to work for me."

* * *

 _AN:_ _I just wanted to warn those of you following my story and posting those awesome reviews that I may not be able to update this weekend. A friend of mine has just lost her husband to a long illness, and I am spending the weekend with her. I may be able to update Sunday night, but not sure at this stage. Have a great weekend! Robyn_


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: WARNING: this is high angst, with an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world.  
_ _SPOILER ALERT: From here on, spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._ _  
_

* * *

Chapter 8.

 _Diesel looked up at me and held my gaze. He said, seriously, "I want you consider coming to work for me."_

I looked at him, dumbfounded. He went on, "Well, for the BUM really. My latest assistant slash handler just quit again. I told you I was working up in Salem, it is difficult work, but very important, even critical. I am working with another Unmentionable. Lizzy only recently found out she is Unmentionable, and she's struggling with it. Unfortunately, I need her skills, because only she can find what we need. We also need an assistant who can understand that we need things to happen quickly, who will liaise with the BUM, pass information back and forth rapidly, and not bitch when I need something done immediately.

I'd like to use your excellent research skills to help us in the work too. Your investigative abilities, and your familiarity with the information search processes could be very useful."

He smiled at me suddenly, "You'd have the added bonus of working with Lizzy too. You'd like her, she's a pastry chef. Works at a bakery, and makes unmentionable cupcakes."

My eyes widened, and I think I drooled a little. "Unmentionable cupcakes? Really? Is that a real unmentionable skill?"

He laughed, "Yes really. The BUM classifies unmentionable abilities on a scale of one to four. Level one is actually quite common, around two or three percent of the population has an unmentionable ability to level one, mostly they just don't realise it, and the BUM is not interested in them." He hesitated slightly, " _You_ actually have a level one unmentionable ability, it's useful to you as a bounty hunter, but it's not enough that the BUM is really interested. You call it your 'spidey sense'," he added quietly.

I was floored at that. "You have the ability to sense particular types of danger, to sense when people or situations are 'off', but not necessarily the ability to sense exactly what the problem is, or what they are thinking or planning to do."

I considered that. I had always just accepted my ability to know when something seemed off. It _was_ a useful skill in my bounty hunting, but I'd never really thought of it as an 'enhanced ability'. I queried, sceptically, "Me? Unmentionable. You have to be kidding me."

Diesel shook his head, "I don't understand why it's so hard for people to accept. If someone is a genius, they have enhanced cognitive abilities, probably enhanced memory. An elite sportsperson has the ability to run faster, or jump higher, or throw harder than the average person. Why shouldn't people have other abilities that are better than average?"

I nodded. I guess it made sense, and explained a lot, if you accepted the whole Unmentionable thing in the first place. But Diesel had always said it was about how some people just had enhanced abilities, I could see how that could happen to different degrees and in different ways.

A thought occurred to me, "So, is R…" I broke off, but too late, Diesel had understood what I was asking.

Diesel sighed, "No, he's not. With Ranger, it's just natural intelligence, excellent instincts and lots and lots of training."

"How can you be sure? He always seemed… There was a reason I called him Batman, you know."

Diesel smirked at that, "I can be sure because when I first came to Trenton that Christmas, the BUM warned me that _you_ were Unmentionable. We have to be very careful of each other. When one Unmentionable has sex with another, it causes their powers to be disrupted, or even lost. Possibly permanently. So they warned me that I couldn't get too close to you. Same with Lizzy, I have to keep a certain distance." He added with a smile, "Of course, once I met you, I might have been willing to take the risk! But you already had an overabundance of boyfriends."

My answering smile slipped a little at that. I asked, "So you think… _he_ can't be Unmentionable because I am and we slept together?"

"Yes, plus I wasn't warned about him at all. I was aware of him, but as a bounty hunter and a Special Forces expert, he's not on the BUM radar." He went on, "Lizzy's cupcake-making is a level one unmentionable ability. It's minor. But she has a level three ability as well, her ability to find objects, and that's the one I need for the current problem."

When I could gather myself to talk again, I asked, "What about you? What level are your abilities?"

He looked at me, considering, "I have a couple of lower level abilities. Opening locks, the ability to alter my body chemistry to a specific scent. Although that's mostly unconscious. As a kid, my favourite holiday was always Christmas, so unconsciously, I make myself smell like Christmas. But I can change it or mask it if I concentrate. I also have a couple of level four abilities, which is why I was recruited by the BUM. My ability to track and find people, and my ability to understand what people are thinking."

A memory occurred to me, "So Elmer's ability to fart fire is probably a level one?" I enquired, smirking.

Diesel laughed out loud at that, "Probably a level two in skill, but a zero in usefulness!" I laughed with him for a few minutes. Then I finished my Coke while I considered everything Diesel had said.

Diesel asked me, "So ice cream?" I nodded. Diesel left a couple of fifties on the table, and led me out of the café.

We walked up to a nearby ice cream parlour and selected our favourite flavours. I settled on butter pecan and triple chocolate double scoop. To my surprise, Diesel copied my order. We took our ice creams and sat on the beach to continue our conversation. "So, the job? I would come and work in Salem?"

"Boston's probably better. It's close enough to Salem to be rapidly on hand, but bigger for you to be able to get hold of anything we need. I need you to be able to source things I need very quickly, and deliver them instantly. I will also need you to pick things up for me and deliver them to a contact in the BUM in New York, so there will be a bit of driving involved."

"Well, if I can survive the Jersey turnpike, I think I can manage Boston to New York," I quipped, "So I quit the bonds office, tell everyone I'm moving to Boston and work for you?" I clarified.

"It would give you some time to figure everything out, some breathing space," he replied. "I know you are feeling overwhelmed and lost here at the moment, and you could get away from everyone here that's bringing you down. No more Burg grapevine, no more Bombshell Bounty Hunter from Hell, no more Rangeman nannies."

"Umm, there's a slight flaw in that logic," I pointed out, "Rangeman has an office in Boston."

"Well…" he prevaricated.

"Uh oh, _well what?_ " I demanded.

He sighed, "Well, I'd like you to consider doing this incognito. New identity, change your appearance, basically disappear from Trenton, and show up in Boston completely disguised. You could leave a couple of letters for people, just saying you were leaving, because you were so unhappy here, but not tell anyone where you're going or what you're going to do."

I stared at him, "Why?" I asked.

He looked down, "Two reasons really. One is simple, the BUM is a pretty secretive organisation, and they're not going to like a high-profile person like you working for them, if you are recognised a lot as the Bombshell Bounty Hunter. With the internet these days, your fame has spread beyond Trenton, you know." Unfortunately I was all too aware of my online profile, even though I tried not to link my own Facebook and Twitter profiles to any of the news coverage or online gossip, my name was pretty recognisable.

Diesel continued, "The second reason is a bit trickier." He definitely hesitated now.

"If you want me to really consider this, you're going to have to come clean," I told him.

He finally met my eyes again, "Wulf," he said reluctantly.

I felt myself go pale. My experiences with Wulf were not fond memories, in fact he had found his way into more than a few of my nightmares, since I escaped from him in the Pine Barrens. "What does Wulf have to do with this?" I gasped.

Diesel shook his head slightly, "Unfortunately, Wulf is mixed up in this whole operation. He is looking for some artefacts, they have started to resurface around the Salem area. There are only two people who can find these artefacts, Lizzy and another Unmentionable, who's a little crazy. I'm protecting Lizzy, and she's helping me to try and find these things before Wulf does.

Wulf kidnapped the other Unmentionable, and seems to have convinced him to follow Wulf around like some kind of mediaeval minion. Like I said, this guy's a little crazy. We believe these artefacts could be really dangerous if they fall into the wrong hands. Obviously, Wulf's hands would be the wrong ones. We've managed to keep him away from the first item, we have six more we have to find and remove from his clutches."

He rubbed his brow, "So, the disguise and the new identity would protect you, since you would be in contact with me, and Wulf has met you before. Hopefully, he wouldn't recognise you, if we can make the disguise good enough. And we _can_ , the BUM has a lot of resources at their disposal. We can make 'Stephanie Plum' vanish, and give you a new name, new background, everything. We can change your hair, eyes, clothes, so your own mother wouldn't recognise you," he said.

"And, of course, the disguise should mean that nobody from Rangeman could find you or recognise you, if Ranger, or Tank, or any of the Trenton team were in Boston," he added.

I had serious reservations about being anywhere near Wulf, but I couldn't deny I was intrigued by the rest of Diesel's offer. And the thought of starting over somewhere as a new person, with a completely clean slate was really appealing. I found myself wondering what they would make me look like. "What are the artefacts?" I queried.

"I can't tell you that unless you come and work for us. If you become my assistant, you'll be given a complete file. Then, you can use your excellent research skills in helping to track these things down," he coaxed.

I thought for a while. Trenton was horrible for me at the moment. It wasn't just the hurt I felt from Ranger's harsh condemnation, or the grief from his abrupt departure. I felt like I had been hammered on all sides for weeks. I couldn't deny the majority of my problems stemmed from my own mistakes; I had totally screwed up with both Joe and Ranger. But they had both hurt me dreadfully, especially Ranger. I felt so drained from my own self-condemnation, and the weight of others' disapproval.

Diesel had given me the first ray of hope in my life since Ranger had dealt his devastating blows. It was nice to think that someone wanted me, thought I had something left to offer the world. It really felt like no one else in Trenton thought that was the case, except maybe my grandma. If I did this though, could I leave my grandma behind? And Mary Lou? Leave them and disappear and not see them again, or even talk to them?

Suddenly, I felt exhausted, like all the energy had drained out of me, all at once. I looked up at Diesel, and felt tears starting to well up again. I said, "Diesel, I appreciate your offer, but I can't make a decision right now. I'm really tired. I want to go home please."

"It's OK honey, no rush," he soothed. "Come on, well get you back to the car and get you home. You can think about it, and let me know in a couple of days. I don't have to be back in Salem for a few days yet."

He helped me to stand, and put his arm around me and held me close to his side for the walk back. By the end, he was basically holding me up, almost carrying me, as my energy had basically run out.

I fell asleep in the car, thinking about his offer. _Should I leave Trenton? Should I disappear?_

* * *

 _AN: Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes and kind thoughts. My friend is as well as can be expected. Only time can heal now._

 _I think it's easy to say Steph should leave and would be better off away from Trenton, but how hard would it be to leave everyone you know and love behind, and go off completely alone. Not an easy choice._


	9. Chapter 9

_AN: WARNING: this is high angst, with an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world.  
SPOILER ALERT: From here on, spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

* * *

Chapter 9.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Dear Vinnie,_

 _I want to thank you for giving me a job these last few years, even though I had to blackmail you for it! Still I am grateful._

 _I know you will probably be pissed, but I am quitting immediately. I have the offer of another job out of Trenton, and I think it is the right move for me now._

 _I'm sorry to leave you in the lurch, but I have cleared the backlog of skips for now, so you have a little time to find a new BEA._

 _Good luck, and stay away from the farm animals or Harry will have your hide!_

 _Stephanie._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Dear Dillon,_

 _I'm sorry for the short notice but I am leaving town. You will find enclosed cash for the next two months' rent, in lieu of notice. Anything left in the apartment, you can leave in there, or give away to Goodwill. Thanks for always being a great super._

 _Stephanie._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _May 7th_

 _Dear Grandma,_

 _First off, I love you so much. You have always been one of the best people in my life. Your love and support has always meant so much to me, ever since I was a little girl, running to your house to hide from mom._

 _Grandma, you have always tried to help me fly. And I have loved watching you spread your own wings since grandpa Mazur died. I hope you never lose that zest for life and free spirit. It has inspired me to live my own life._

 _I'm really sorry grandma, I know how much this will hurt you, but I just can't live my life here in Trenton anymore. I know you thrive on the gossip and Burg grapevine, but it is killing me. I hate it._

 _You may not know about this (I don't know how much Rangeman gossip will leak out to the Burg grapevine) but Ranger has left town. He left, and he basically made it clear he doesn't want to see me anymore. I love him, but he sees no future with me. On top of the blow from Joe, it is just too much for me. I am really hurting and I don't want to stay in Trenton where all the memories are so strong and fresh._

 _So I am leaving. A friend is going to help me relocate, and find work somewhere else. My friend is also going to help me 'disappear', since I want to leave the whole Bombshell Bounty Hunter image behind. I promise that I am safe and not in any danger._

 _I guess mom will blame me for disappearing, and drink herself into a coma, but I just can't be held responsible for her anymore. She doesn't seem to care about my happiness, just her own image in the Burg. So maybe with me gone and not embarrassing her anymore, she can be happier. Please tell dad that I appreciate his help over the years, and tell him that I will be safe where I am going._

 _Even though Ranger is gone, the rest of the Rangeman guys may try and find me, although I don't know if they will bother. It may not be a priority anymore. But if they do, please just tell them I am fine, and I don't want to be found. They can tell Ranger that he doesn't need to bleed money for me anymore, and he can remove me from his entertainment budget. Maybe that will satisfy him._

 _I think I may have found a way to stay in touch with you sometimes, so please keep living your happy life, and I hope you will hear from me soon. If I do manage to contact you, please let Mary Lou know I am OK and that I miss her. I am writing her a letter today as well, but probably won't be able to stay in contact._

 _I love you so much grandma, and I will miss you. Please don't hate me for doing it this way. I just need to change my life right now._

 _Love always, Steph._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _May 7th_

 _Dear Mary Lou,_

 _You have been my best friend for so long, so I hope you will understand what I am about to do. Mare, I have to go._

 _I took your advice and went to talk to Ranger. It was devastating Mare. He basically told me he didn't want to be around me anymore and that I was a bad person for going back to Joe, and then again for coming to him when Joe was gone. Maybe he's right. Everyone else seems to think I am a bad person too, so they can't all be wrong._

 _You'd probably tell me that it was kind of my own fault again, but on top of the thing with Joe, I just can't take any more. I can't stay here with the memories and the gossip and my mother telling me I am a failure and a disappointment. A friend has offered to help me relocate and start a new life. I'll miss you like crazy, but I have decided to go._

 _I have written to Vinnie to resign. Please do me a favour and let Connie and Lula know that I am sorry that I couldn't tell them and that I will miss them. They probably won't forgive me for just disappearing, but I hope you can, Mare._

 _I have written to grandma, so she will tell my parents. Could you please keep an eye on her for me? My mom is always trying to clip her wings too, it would mean a lot to me if you could just stay in touch with her from time to time. I am trying to find a way that I can let her know from time to time that I am OK. So if you stay in contact with grandma, I should be able to get a message through to you sometime._

 _I love you Mare, and I hope you will forgive me someday._

 _Love always, Steph._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Interlude – May 11th_

"Yo."

"Yo, Ranger."

"Report."

"Everything's normal, boss, no issues."

"So, why the fuck are you calling, Tank?"

"Umm, it's Stephanie, Ranger."

"Tank, I was clear. New protocol, deal with it, don't report to me."

"Yeah, I know, Ranger, but this is… different than normal protocol."

"What's happened now?"

"Ranger, she's gone. Disappeared."

"What does that mean, disappeared?"

"It means disappeared, Ranger! She's gone. Cleared out her apartment, left letters, resigned from Vinnie's, sent her grandma a letter. Fucking vanished off the face of the earth."

"That's not fucking possible Tank. Track her. Find her."

"What the fuck do you think we've been trying to do? She's been gone for five days. We've done everything we can think of. She closed out her bank accounts, packed her shit, dropped the Buick at her parents in the middle of the night, and vanished like a fart in the wind! No electronic trail. No activity on her electronic accounts. Fucking NOTHING! I've had Hector, Hal and Binkie working on it for four days straight. I'm telling you, she's GONE."

"How the fuck could she achieve that? Where would she go?"

"I don't fucking know. From what I can tell from Connie, she had a visitor though before she vanished. You're not going to like it."

... ...

"Are you expecting me to fucking guess?"

"Ranger, it was Diesel. He was visiting with her a few days before she disappeared. Helped her clean up her skips. Took her to Point Pleasant for the day on Saturday. Monday she vanished."

"Shit. So he's helped her disappear. Do we know where he's operating these days?"

"You've got to be fucking kidding me? You know from the last two times he's been in Trenton, we've tried to find anything we could about him. Nothing. Not since childhood. No trace, anywhere in the world. That organisation that's backing him is the best we've ever seen. Even you couldn't trace him; found normal records in Switzerland for his childhood, then nothing. Not gonna be anything now. If she's with him, she's gone, unless she wants to be found."

... ... ...

"Ranger?"

"You said she sent letters to her grandma and Vinnie?"

"Just a resignation to Vinnie. He showed me the letter. Her grandma wouldn't show me the letter. Just said she was gone, didn't want to be found. She said… Ranger, Mrs Mazur said she sent you a message. Said to tell you, you can take Stephanie out of your entertainment budget and stop bleeding money for her."

"FUCK!"

"I think she must have written to Mary Lou Stankovic as well. She wouldn't tell us anything, but there was something in her attitude. I don't know what Stephanie wrote to them, but I don't think either of them is feeling very charitable toward you at the moment."

... ... ... ...

"What do you want us to do, Ranger?"

"OK. I'll put Silvio in Miami on one last effort to find Diesel. You set up traces on mail and all electronic communications for Mrs Mazur and Mrs Stankovic. Leave them in place until I say otherwise. Wait a couple weeks and send Woody to talk to them in person. See if he can use that southern charm to get anything else out of them. Report back if you get anything."

"Done. Ranger, man I'm sorry."

"Not your fault. Probably mine. I'm pretty sure she hates me now. And after Morelli, she feels like we both dumped on her and abandoned her. I probably should have expected something like this, but I never thought she'd leave her family and friends in Trenton. I could say it's Diesel's influence, but I don't think he could force her to do anything she didn't want to. No, this one's on me."

"I'll let you know the second we find anything, man."

"Likewise."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _July 12th_

 _Dear Grandma,_

 _Hi! I wanted to let you know I am doing OK. Please tell mom and dad not to worry about me, and please tell Mary Lou that I am doing fine and I miss her._

 _Did you like my way of staying in touch? Shhhh! Don't tell anyone!_

 _I hope you are all well. I can't say anything about where I am or what I am doing, it is a condition of my employment. But please know that I am absolutely fine. Compared to my life as a bounty hunter, this life is practically boring! But it is away from the mess my life was back home, and that helps me to live day to day._

 _I miss you grandma, and I hope you are still giving them hell every day!_

 _Love always, Steph._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _October 24th_

 _Dear Grandma,_

 _I miss you grandma, so much. I had a very lonely birthday, I guess it's my own fault for choosing this path. I'm not really looking forward to Halloween either, for the very first time I can remember._

 _But I have pulled up my big girl panties and decided if this is going to be my life, I have to start living it. I have started a couple of new hobbies, and I met some new people. Hopefully, I can make some new friends and life will get better._

 _I am hoping you are OK and still kicking ass. Please give my nieces a big hug and kiss from me, and tell them that their Aunty Steph loves them and thinks about them, no matter what their mom or grandma say. Please tell Mare hello and give her a kiss too. And tell my dad I love him._

 _Love always, Steph._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Interlude – October 29th_

"Yo, boss."

"Report."

"Report on what?"

"Stephanie."

"Nothing to report man. No physical or electronic activity that we can trace. Hector even set up trigger word searches on emails and Facebook activity for Mrs Mazur and Mrs Stankovic. Nothing."

"Fuck. I thought she might get in contact for her birthday."

"Nope, nothing. Woody has been to see them both a few times. He suspects that Mrs Mazur has heard from Stephanie, but if so, we can't figure out how. We had our new guy Cougar follow her for the week leading up to her birthday and the week after, and he couldn't see any trace of any unusual activity. No visits to anywhere out of the ordinary. All electronic activity monitored. Zip."

"OK. Leave the electronic traces. Pull everything else. We'll try again at Christmas, but this is not looking good."

"Yeah man. I'm fucking sorry."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _December 21st_

 _Dear Grandma,_

 _Merry Christmas. I wish like anything that I could send you all presents, but it's just not possible. I have enclosed cards for you, mom and dad, Val and family Mary Lou and family, and Connie and Lula. Please give them out to everyone for me? I love you all, and miss you._

 _Tell everyone I'm sorry if I hurt them. But truly, this has been liberating for me. It's been lonely and hard a lot of the time, but I think it has been what I needed. Maybe someday soon, I can see everyone again, but for now this is working for me. I hope everyone can forgive me, but I am learning that I have to find my own life._

 _Anyway, I hope you have a terrific Christmas.  
Love always, Steph._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _AN: So, how do you think Steph is sending letters to grandma? Any guesses? :)_


	10. Chapter 10

_AN: Over 100 reviews! That is SO FREAKIN' AWESOME! You guys just rock so hard! You make writing this story so much fun and so rewarding. Thanks so much. I loved some of your ideas about grandma's letters. I didn't see any that tempted me away from my original idea, but some were really funny. (Owl post anyone? :) ) And suzyq59, great guess!_

 _WARNING: this is high angst, with an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world.  
SPOILER ALERT: From here on, spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

Chapter 10

I sat in my favourite café, sipping coffee and enjoying their amazing French toast; it had become my preferred breakfast since coming here to Boston. The café was around the corner from my apartment building, and I walked down here at least three or four mornings a week. My job had one thing in common with my old bounty hunter lifestyle, the days started slowly and not too early. I could make my own hours.

I had been living and working in Boston for nine months now, and it was starting to feel a little like home. I still felt isolated, and frequently lonely, but I was trying a few new things to make some friends. One thing I had not realised about my life and my job in Trenton, until it was gone, was that it exposed me to a lot of people, and I made a lot of friends, or at least acquaintances. It had been a social life, even if I lived alone. Here in Boston my job was mostly done online or on the phone, and it was not conducive to meeting people, especially when I was basically hiding from everyone I used to know. The only daily contact I had had for months was with Rex, and honestly, that didn't really cut it.

I had managed to find a way to keep in touch with grandma, at least occasionally. Diesel had laughed when I had suggested it, I thought it was a little bit clever and sneaky of me. I had paid the funeral director at Stiva's $500 to pass on my letters to grandma, and to keep it quiet. He had thought it was a bit of a laugh, but had agreed not to tell anyone. And Diesel had agreed to get different people around the US to post them to the funeral parlour, so they couldn't be traced back to Boston. I wouldn't be able to write every week, but every couple of months… at least grandma would know I was still alive, and she could tell Mary Lou. Maybe I should include another $500 in my next letter, for grandma to give to the funeral director? It would be important to keep him on side. Despite my best efforts I couldn't think of a safe way for them to contact me. But Diesel had promised me that the BUM would monitor my family and friends in Trenton, and let me know the second anything happened to anyone.

To break out of my slough of isolation, I had decided to take up some hobbies or interests, and I was looking for things that were far removed from my previous life. Two weeks ago I had enrolled in a drawing class. I wasn't sure I was going to show a lot of talent, but it was something different, and I got to chat with the other students during class. A few of us had even agreed to have coffee after the next class. I had to be so careful of what I told people about myself, but I was looking forward to that coffee date so much, it made me realise how lonely I truly had been.

My work online had also made me realise I wanted to learn more about computers. Not that I wanted to go work for Apple or anything, just to know more about how information was organised, and how to use computers for research. I had started looking into some courses at community colleges, but so far nothing had appealed enough to enrol. It made me think back to the opportunities I had in the past that I had never taken advantage of, to learn from someone like Silvio or Hector. I had a lot of regrets about my previous life, but I had to try and just keep moving forward.

Diesel had been as good as his word, introducing me to his contact in the BUM and setting me up in Boston. I had travelled to New York first, where another BUM specialist had taken me for two days for a complete makeover. My hair had been chemically straightened and trimmed to a feathery, shoulder-length style, and I had auburn highlights added regularly. I had to travel back to New York for my hair treatments, Diesel was being very careful about my profile in Boston. I really liked it, actually, I thought it looked awesome, and the red in my hair seemed to really change my whole look. I had been given green-tinted contacts for my eyes, and they also looked amazing with the red highlights.

I had also been taken shopping for a whole new wardrobe in New York. The wardrobe was a big adjustment for me, it was far removed from my usual style. I had a couple of pairs of jeans, but very few t-shirts, and no CAT boots and definitely no black. Everything I had been fitted with had been very feminine. I had put my foot down at ruffles, so Deidre (my makeover stylist) and I had finally compromised on a feminine 'peasant' style, with off-the-shoulder blouses and flowing skirts in earthy prints for summer, and colourful wraps and suede pants and skirts for winter. The point was to look very different from my previous lifestyle, so people would not recognise me as easily. I guess it should work, I certainly don't think you would look at me and see the Bombshell Bounty Hunter!

The last phase in my transformation had been to get me a new identity. I was now Michelle Parkes, going by Shell Parkes. Diesel's contact in the BUM said it was better to keep the same initials, some kind of psychological benefit, and since Michelle was my second name, it wasn't as hard to adjust. My new ID had me a few months older (why not younger?!) but still born in the same year. Still it was nice that, on my real birthday, I had woken to find a beautiful white rose on my pillow. I knew that Diesel had left it, a silent but heartfelt 'happy birthday' that only he could say.

According to my new background, I was born and raised in Williamsburg, Virginia. I thought that was a master-stroke, since if I slipped up and called it 'the Burg', it could still be excused. I was still as business major, but I had gone to William & Mary College. I had enjoyed looking at their website online and the glossy brochures and maps that Diesel gave me to familiarise myself with the college as much as I could. I almost wish I had gone there, but my grades had not been that great.

Diesel and I had found a nice little one-bedroom apartment for me in Medford, north of Boston. It was a quiet, residential community, with a predominantly Irish-American population, and it was easy to fit in, with my red-brown hair and green eyes. Diesel had me working with a BUM-approved vocal coach for the first few weeks to bring a hint of an Irish accent into my voice, when I tried. Surprisingly, it had come fairly easily to me, and I could lapse into a hint of Irish brogue on occasion. It helped to sell my Irish-American background.

Medford was far enough away from Wulf's apartment in Beacon Hill, and the Rangeman office in South Boston, that I felt relatively safe here. My cover was that I worked as an online researcher for a non-profit – I guess that was close enough to the truth, although I didn't know if the BUM made any profit from their activities! I guess they had to do something that made money, they certainly seemed to have enough of it to throw around at will; cars, apartments, travel, clothes, bribes… nothing seemed to cause them to blink.

I had been allocated a company car, a new, blue Ford Escape, and I was thrilled that nothing had happened to it in nine months! It was almost a new record for me, although one that nobody knew anything about.

So far, I had not run into anyone from my former life, other than Diesel. I had managed to even avoid any contact with Wulf, and I was hoping that was a record I could maintain.

A beep from my phone drew me from my reminiscences.

 _911 call me now! L_

I really liked Lizzy. I would have liked her if she didn't bake the world's best cupcakes, but it sure was a bonus! I wished I could live in Salem or Marblehead so I could eat them more often, but Diesel felt it would put me at too much risk from running into Wulf. At least I had found out that Boston Crèmes were really the official state donut! Although donuts and sitting in front of a computer most of the day turned out to be a bad combination. I ended up joining a gym a few months ago when my pants were getting uncomfortably tight. For now, an hour a day on the bike and Zumba classes twice a week were keeping my jeans buttoned.

"Hi Lizzy, what's up?"

"Hi Shell," I could hear the barely repressed laughter in her voice. "Diesel made me call, 'cause he's too chicken to call you himself, and he's sulking. He needs another new car!"

I couldn't repress my own giggles at that; it seemed like Diesel had somehow taken over my bad car karma. "What happened this time?"

"He fed Carl something, I really don't want to know what, and he got sick. Kinda _really sick_ , at both ends!" _Ewwww!_ "Anyway, it's really not drivable. Don't know what you're going to do with it when you drop the other car off, but I'd suggest you bring a gas mask and a hazmat suit."

I sighed at that, but this is part of what I was being paid for. "No problems. Give me an hour. Any requests?"

I heard Lizzy consulting Diesel. "The usual. SUV, any color, child restraints and car seat for Carl in the back."

"OK. Tell Diesel I'm requesting hazard duty pay. And I may need two boxes for this time."

Lizzy laughed, "Absolutely. Peanut butter chocolate truffle and pineapple upside down cupcakes?"

I moaned. Since I moved up here, Lizzy had added my all-time favourite cake to her regular baking rotation. They were really popular too. _I'm going to have to do an extra hour on the bike tonight._

Lizzy laughed again, "I hear you Shell!" before saying goodbye and disconnecting. _Oh well, guess I said that out loud again_.

I dialled the car dealer I had on speed dial, and requested a new SUV, any high-end model he had in stock, and asked he put in the car seat before I picked it up. He requested 40 minutes to organise the car seat and the paperwork. I told him 30, and then hung up. I was learning to be more assertive. Besides, Diesel got really cranky when I was late. I got out some money to pay for my breakfast, and stood to go the counter to pay.

A flash of sunlight reflected from a car mirror through the café window, across the street, and caught my attention. I felt the blood drain from my face and I had to grab the table to steady myself. I sat back down abruptly and put my head down between my knees, trying to breathe through my nose to quell the dizziness and nausea. When I finally felt like I could sit back up without passing out, I slowly raised my head.

Across the street, a black Porsche Cayenne was parked, and it was unmistakably Ranger and Tank getting out of it. Ranger's eyes were hidden behind sunglasses, and he was wearing his usual attire of black cargoes, black boots, moulded-on black t-shirt and black Rangeman jacket. It was overwhelming to see him, and I felt my world tilt on its axis. As he stood beside the car, he seemed to gaze over into the café window, seemingly looking directly at me. His hand started to lift towards his neck, as if he was going to rub it, and I saw a line appear between his brows.

I felt another wave of nausea roll through me at the thought the he could see me, that he could _sense me_ , that he would recognise me. After a moment, though, he looked away, and I felt relief wash through me like a shiver. My hands shook as I watched them walk into the building opposite the café.

I wished I could believe that I was over him, but just seeing him again brought the memories and buried feelings to the surface in a rush.

I jumped when a voice sounded beside me, "You OK, Shell?" Mandy enquired. Mandy was the waitress at the café, and we had become friendly acquaintances over the past nine months.

"Yeah, I think I just stood up too quickly, I felt dizzy for a second. I'm fine, Mandy really. I was just coming over to pay the check."

She put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder, "You stay here, I'll go get the check and bring it over."

" _No_! I mean, no thanks, that's fine. I really need to get going, I got a call from work, and I have to be somewhere." I smiled weakly at Mandy, "Thanks for everything."

I stood and Mandy held my arm lightly as we walked to the counter. I paid my check and thanked Mandy again. I rooted through my large beaded bag that went with my hippie/peasant image, and found a pair of large, round sunglasses. I put them on, before slipping out of the café, and walking as quickly as I could around the corner to my apartment building to pick up my car.

I would drive my car to the dealer to collect Diesel's new car. I would have to drive the Carl-damaged car back from Salem to the dealer. He could dispose of it however he wanted. I just hoped I could make it back without puking, if it was as bad as Lizzy had said.

I refused to think about seeing Ranger. I had no idea why he would be in Medford, but I supposed it was some kind of Rangeman business. I had to remind myself that I was heavily disguised. Even if he had seen me, and I was sure he hadn't, _surely he hadn't_ , then he couldn't recognise me! I pushed it from my mind, as I tried to focus solely on my mission for Diesel.

I chanted it like a mantra, over and over. _He didn't see me. He couldn't recognise me. It is over._

 _AN: Did he see her? Did he recognise her? Ooooh the tension! :)_


	11. Chapter 11

_AN: I'm sorry that I haven't been posting the last few days. RL has been overwhelming me. And my muse has been a b**ch. I have been rewriting this over and over and she wouldn't let me move on until I got it. But I think I'm back! So hopefully writing over the weekend and updating more quickly._

 _WARNING: this is high angst, with an eventual Babe HEA…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

* * *

Chapter 11

Somehow I had managed to make it through the rest of the day. I had picked up the car and delivered it to Diesel and Lizzy. Lizzy had given me my cupcakes, and I had managed to drive the damaged car back to Boston.

Maybe my past experiences with burnt, bombed cars or apartments, and god-knows-what-covered skips had inured me, but I barely noticed the smell. I thought it was more likely that my constant internal chant of _"he didn't see me, he couldn't recognise me"_ had blocked my other senses to the hideous assault of the odour.

When I dropped it off at the dealer, he had started dry-retching. I think he had a new respect for me, since he knew I had driven it all the way back from Salem with that god-awful smell. As I left, he was looking at the car like he was considering just pushing it off the nearest bridge.

The rest of the day had passed in a fog of dazed confusion. Memories of Ranger swirled through my mind. Memories of so many times together, ordinary times, exciting times, dangerous times, stressful times, times of pain, times of sorrow, _erotic, sensual times_ … They formed a miasma of brain-clogging turmoil that seemed to block other thoughts or maybe just blocked my ability to form coherent thoughts.

At around 9.30 at night, I had looked over at the cupcake boxes on my kitchen counter and realised I hadn't eaten any of them. That had to be a first for me. I walked over to them and lifted the lid. The smell of pineapple and cake assaulted my senses, and for the first time in more than six months, I had broken down in sobs for the memories of what I had lost, what I had left behind, before crying myself to sleep. I had slept through until after 7am this morning.

Diesel had given me a funny look yesterday when I was dropping off the car, but he hadn't said anything. When I woke up this morning, there was a note on my pillow that said, _Call me if you need to talk. D_. I didn't know how he knew something had happened, but I doubted I was that hard to read, particularly for someone of Diesel's talents. He could probably see through the confused, chaotic thoughts in my head more clearly than I could.

I stumbled out of bed, and stood under a hot shower for half an hour. I wrapped myself in a warm dressing gown, and ambled into the kitchen. My crying jag had left me feeling a little hungover, so the only clear thought I had for today was to eat cupcakes for breakfast. Hey, there was fruit, and peanut butter, that's part of a normal breakfast right?

I toyed with calling my therapist, Janice. Seeing Ranger so suddenly had thrown me back to the whirlpool of grief and self-condemnation I had been in last year. I felt like I needed help in dealing with the memories and thoughts, and despite knowing Diesel would be sympathetic and listen kindly, I didn't think he could help me right now.

When I left Trenton, Diesel had suggested talking to a therapist. He told me he could set me up with one through the BUM; one who could know my real past, and would be safe to talk to. I had resisted for a couple of weeks, but eventually had decided to give it a go. Janice had been amazing. She was an attractive, no-nonsense woman in her late forties, who had been clearly amazed at my stories and background. Given that she was probably an Unmentionable who worked with other Unmentionables, I wasn't sure how to take that she felt _my_ experiences were unusual!

Janice worked in New York, so I tried to set up appointments to see her when I knew I was travelling to New York, but we talked on a secure video chat network at least weekly. Janice told me early on she wanted to try what she called 'systemic therapy' with me, since my relationships seemed to be at the root of my confusion and problems. She had tried to get me to see my relationships from an 'outsider' perspective, describing events like they had happened to someone else. It had been eye-opening to try and describe my relationships from an objective point of view. Over the months, I had recognised a lot of unhealthy patterns that others had seen, and come to understand some of the reasons why I had been stuck in damaging relationships by valuing myself so poorly. And reflecting on how I would cave into the unrealistic and sometimes ridiculous demands of my mother and Joe, even now mad me cringe.

Instead of calling Janice, I decided to try one of the techniques she had taught me for reframing my memories and emotions. One of the things she had helped me develop was a set of what I called 'my four thought guidelines'. So I decided to try writing down what was swirling through my head since I had seen Ranger according to the guidelines.

 _1\. I_ _am_ _responsible for my own actions and emotions.  
When I came back from Hawaii, I didn't deal with the fallout, I went to 'denial-land' and then slipped back into my previous pattern with Morelli, instead of asking myself what I really wanted with Ranger – I chose not to tell Ranger what I felt, or try and pursue a relationship with him. I am confused about what I feel for Ranger because I have never had an open conversation with him. I went to Ranger the minute Morelli left town, expecting him to still want me, which was a shitty thing to do. I felt pain and heartbreak for what happened with Morelli and Ranger. I left Trenton – and left everyone behind. I left without speaking to Ranger or anyone at Rangeman. I have not spoken to my family and friends in Trenton. _

_2\. My actions have consequences.  
I hurt Ranger with my actions. I am sure I hurt my family and friends by leaving. If I am lonely or miss home, or when anyone back in Trenton is angry with me, these are the consequences of my actions._

 _3\. I_ _am not_ _responsible for the choices or emotions of others.  
Ranger chose __not_ _to talk to me after Hawaii – when we came back from Hawaii, Ranger chose his own denial of our relationship, and to slip back to avoidance and non-communication with me. Ranger chose not to try and pursue a relationship with me. Ranger chose to leave Trenton. Ranger felt pain for what happened between us. That is his pain, and he chose to deal with it by first avoiding me, and then leaving. Those were his choices._

 _4\. I can only make choices for my future, not the past.  
_ _This is my life now. I cannot go back and change what I did with Ranger or anyone else in Trenton. If Ranger comes back into my life, I can choose to talk to him. If he refuses to talk to me, or still blames me, I cannot change that. I can choose to stay. I can choose to go back. I can choose to go somewhere else._ _  
_

I had sat for nearly an hour, trying to write and think clearly, while I ate four cupcakes – OK, _six_ cupcakes. Sue me, they're amazing cupcakes. I read back over what I had written, and was pleased to feel a sense of relative calm that I better understood where I was right now. I thought Janice would be proud of me.

In my daze yesterday, I had forgotten to buy groceries. I had run out of coffee and bread and other staples, which was why I had hit the café for breakfast yesterday. Although I had had the cupcakes to eat, I still didn't have any coffee, and I was feeling a bit desperate. The sugar had helped the hangover feeling, but I really needed coffee.

I was conscious of the need to maintain my cover if Ranger was anywhere around, so I dressed in some of my most 'hippie' clothes and put a cloche-style hat on, along with my big, round sunglasses, before heading cautiously to my favourite café. I decided to get a coffee to go, before heading to the grocery store to stock up.

I checked the street carefully for black SUVs and Porches, but finding none, I ducked into the café and ordered a coffee. Mandy greeted me cheerfully, and I tried to respond to her light-hearted banter. I slipped away as soon as I could, and headed off to the grocery store.

Ten days later, I was back again in my favourite café, once again enjoying coffee and French toast. My life had slipped back into its usual pattern, and I smiling as I was remembering my art class and second coffee 'date' last night. I really liked some of the people in my class. One of the men, Liam, was a bit older than me, I think in his early forties, and I was pretty sure he liked me. He had seemed to be flirting with me a little last night, in a subtle, tentative way. I was not sure how to respond. On the one hand, I felt good, knowing that someone wanted to spend time with me again, and he seemed like a decent enough guy. On the other, my whole 'secret identity' and my past seemed like it would make dating and relationships really difficult. I sipped my coffee slowly, and let my mind drift over the problem, but couldn't see any answers. I sighed, as I finished off my breakfast in a thoughtful kind of haze, and then gathered my things to leave.

Something felt off. Something was teasing at the edge of my consciousness, like a vague sense of déjà vu.

Finally, I stood to go to the counter to pay, only to find myself facing a wall of black-clad, Bulgari scented muscle. I could feel my hands starting to shake, and the blood drained again from my head. A warm, mocha-latte colored hand came up to grasp my shoulder, probably to steady me, but I shrank from the contact and sat back down, abruptly. I tried to blank my face, as I lifted my eyes towards the face that had haunted my dreams for nine months, _or for four years_ …

I heard a voice say, "Babe", and black dots swam in front of my eyes, and I fought to remain conscious.

* * *

 _AN: Hah! Another cliffhanger. :) Sorry if this is a bit serious for you, but I wanted to convey that Steph/Shell is trying hard to grow and change. Running away from Trenton is not enough, she needs to sort out the mess in her head too! But what about Ranger? Will he blow her cover?_


	12. Chapter 12

_AN: I have always said this story has an eventual Babe HEA, so to get there, Ranger has to come back into her life! And it's time. But that doesn't mean it will all just fall into place…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

* * *

Chapter 12

 _I heard a voice say, "Babe", and black dots swam in front of my eyes, and I fought to remain conscious._

I sat, trying desperately to clear the fog in my brain. Alarm bells were ringing in my head, thinking _how could he recognise me?_ And _maybe I can still bluff my way out of this?_

As the daze slowly cleared, I realised Mandy had seen me sit down suddenly when confronted with this dark, menacing stranger, and she had come over protectively to my table to remonstrate with Ranger. Gradually, I began to take in what they were saying…

" _I don't know who you think you are, but I have never seen you in here before, and I see her here all the time. Her name is Shell, not Stephanie, and I don't let people push my regulars around, mister!"_

" _Ma'am I assure you, I know this woman. And I am not pushing her around. I haven't touched her."_

" _Then why did she fall over into the chair? Do you get off being a big man pushing a woman over?!"_

I decided I had better step in before the situation deteriorated any further. I took a deep breath to steady myself and then brought in as much of the Irish lilt into my voice as I could. I had practiced my accent a couple of times on Mandy before, so I knew she wouldn't be surprised to hear it.

"Mandy, it's OK, he really didn't touch me. I was just shocked when he was standing so close to me, and I sat down suddenly. Honestly, he didn't push me."

Mandy looked suspicious, but backed off when I spoke, "OK Shell, honey, if you say so. Were you leaving sweetie? I can get your check?"

I agreed, "Yes, I was just coming up to pay," I was still injecting the brogue into my tone. "Excuse me please sir, I'll get out of your way, and you can have the table."

"Babe, Stephanie, please." Ranger reached out to grasp my arm, as I tried to brush past him.

I shook off his hand, "My name is not Stephanie, sir. I think you must have me confused with someone else."

Reluctantly, he let me slip past him to go to the counter. He followed behind me, but stepped back at Mandy's ferocious glare.

"You OK honey? You want me to get Harry to walk you home?" She asked as I paid my check. Harry was the cook in the café.

"No, I'm sure I be fine Mandy. He probably just mistook me for someone else. I'll see you again soon, OK?"

Mandy still looked dubious, as her glance flicked between me and Ranger, but she allowed me to slip out of the café. As Ranger went to follow me, though, she stepped up and I heard her say, _"You better not be thinking of stalking her, mister!"_

I took advantage of the delay Mandy caused Ranger to duck into the alley a couple of shops up from the café. The alley cut past the back-to-back rows of shops and businesses, to the street behind. I hurried through the alley, and turned to head back to my apartment from the opposite direction.

Unfortunately, as I turned the corner onto my street, I saw Ranger on the opposite corner, scanning the passers-by for me. His gaze locked onto me with laser-like focus, and he immediately began striding purposefully toward me. My shoulders slumped, but I decided to resign myself to the inevitable, and walked slowly back towards him.

As soon as we reached each other, he grasped my elbow, not to bruise, but I knew I wouldn't be able to pull away. I decided, if I had to do this, I would try and do it on my terms. I waved my hand to indicate that we should walk, and I turned up the street at the corner, away from the café, towards a small park that was two blocks away. We walked in silently up to the park, and I was glad the paths had been cleared, the snow was still thick on the ground in late February. I chose a seat under the bare branches of a small, but spreading lilac tree. I settled myself onto the seat, and sat still silent, waiting for Ranger to make the opening move.

He seemed equally reluctant to start the conversation, now that he had me captive. In the past, I may have been tempted to start babbling, intimidated by Ranger's mercenary demeanour. But my long months of relative isolation, and the breathing techniques that Janice had taught me to relax and focus my thinking, helped me to remain still and quiet while I waited him out.

Finally, he asked, "Stephanie?" I just looked at him. "I'm going to take silence as consent, Babe." I shocked him slightly by raising one eyebrow. It's amazing what you can learn when you have long hours available to stand in front of the mirror, practicing! He went on, "No disguise will ever work on me, Stephanie, although I have to give it to you, this is very good. The hair, the eyes, even the voice. It would probably fool most people."

All I said quietly was, "Please call me Shell. It's important."

He looked at me piercingly, "OK, Shell. So, Diesel, I take it?" I just raised my eyebrow again. He nodded, "Have you been here in Boston all along?"

This time I nodded, "What do you want, Ranger?"

He let out a sharp breath, "I've been looking for you, Babe… Shell. Ever since you left. I'm… glad to find you… OK."

"I didn't ask you to look for me, Ranger. In fact, I specifically left you a message that I didn't want to be found. It was your choice to ignore that, and look for me." An expression flashed across his face, too quickly to read, at my reminder of what I had written to my grandma. I tried very hard to keep my voice neutral and calm as I continued, "You left Ranger, and you told me you were not coming back. I didn't think I needed to check in with you anymore. So I repeat, _what do you want Ranger_?"

His blank mask slammed down into the expressionless, unreadable state I had always hated and resented, "When I was here last week, I got out of the car to go in to meet my client, and I… I looked over at the café and I could just… feel you. Sense you. The way I've always been able to feel you when you're near. Even though I didn't recognise the person in the window, I was just drawn to look at you. I told myself I was imagining things. When I pulled up today, I could feel it again. I called my client to reschedule the meeting, and I came in to… check. I had to know."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. I decided to go with my instincts to try and finish this conversation as quickly as I could, "OK, so you know. I live here. I work here. I have a new life, a new identity, and I am living it, as best I can. It is a condition of my employment that nobody from my past knows who or where I am, so I would appreciate if you could keep it to yourself."

He looked at me with a slightly incredulous expression, "Was that a 'so long' speech?"

I sighed, "Ranger, I am safe. I am well. I am living my life a long way away from you. If you hadn't seen me in the café, I would have kept living my life, with you completely unaware. I… we both left everything behind that was in Trenton, and we have both moved on. I'm not really sure what else you want me to say."

"How about _why_?"

Now it was my turn to look incredulous. "Seriously? You're asking me why?"

"I meant… It was a pretty drastic response, _Shell_ , and I'm not the only one who thought so."

Briefly, I used one of my therapist's breathing techniques, so I didn't revert to a rhino-mode response. When I felt my control settle again, I said, "Yes, I agree. It was a drastic response. At the time, I felt overwhelmed, I felt grief-stricken at all that happened. I felt like I didn't want to live the life I was living anymore, I felt like I would spiral into a serious depression and not be able to find my way out. So I took a particular path that was offered to me. I am sure that my actions had some unhappy consequences and that a lot of people in Trenton blame me for that. It's not something I can go back and change. And, to be honest, I probably wouldn't change it. Despite the pain I undoubtedly caused, despite the fact that my mother has probably disowned me, overall, this has been good for me."

His look became considering at my calm, even response. He opened his mouth to speak again when his phone beeped. He looked at the message, and a rare expression of annoyance crossed his brow. "Babe, I have to go," he said with a tiny huff of frustration. "My client is still waiting for me, back at the building across from the diner. But… Shell, Babe, I really want to talk to you. I _need_ to talk to you. Will you have dinner with me tonight?"

I _really_ didn't want to. I had hoped I could shut this conversation down quickly and finally, and walk away. I didn't want Ranger coming to my apartment. I didn't want to feel all these emotions resurfacing. Ranger still had such a pull on me, on my heart and my soul. Even after all these months, I knew he could still rip my heart apart if he tried. He could see the doubt and hesitation in my eyes.

" _Please_ Babe?"

I closed my eyes briefly. His _please_ had always been so impossible for me to resist. "OK," I said reluctantly, "you can pick me up from my gym at 7.30. I have a class 6 to 7. I'll shower and change at the gym. You can drop me off afterwards, and I'll collect my car and drive home. Pick somewhere casual." If I could keep him away from my apartment, then I doubted he could find it. It wasn't in my name, real or fake, and the BUM had leased it via the non-profit corporation I supposedly worked for.

He nodded to my suggestion. I added, "Oh and Ranger?" He met my eyes. "You'd better not try and plant _any_ trackers on me or my car tonight. I'm only agreeing to dinner so we can finish this conversation. Nothing more."

He looked at me and raised his own eyebrow. But I met his eyes with a stony expression and he finally nodded. I gave him the address of my gym, and stood with him. He escorted me back to the corner where he had spotted me, and I stood waiting as he strode back toward the building opposite the café.

I walked back to my apartment slowly, wondering how I was going to make it through dinner with Ranger. I wondered if it was going to screw up my new life here, and I decided I had better call Diesel.

"Hey, honey. 'Sup?" He answered his phone.

I groaned at his quip, "Hey Diesel. Umm… I thought I'd better tell you. I ran into _someone_ today. You know, someone, I _know_. And he recognised me." I left the statement hanging, knowing Diesel would pick up on it straight away.

"He recognised you?"

"Yup. Immediately. I tried to bluff my way out of it, with my Irish accent, claiming not be who he thought I was, but he wasn't fooled. He followed me out of the café where I was having breakfast, and basically forced me to talk to him. I couldn't see the point in continuing to deny it, so we ended up talking for a few minutes."

"So, now what?" he asked. "What is he going to do?"

"I told him he had to call me Shell. And that it was a condition of my employment that no one knows where I am. I think he'll respect that. But he wanted to talk to me more. He asked me to have dinner with him. Tonight."

"You agreed?"

I blushed, "He said _please_."

I could almost hear Diesel rolling his eyes at that. "Did you give him your address?"

"No, I told him to pick me up at the gym, after my class tonight. And I made him _promise_ he wouldn't plant any trackers on me or my car."

"OK honey. But be careful. _Please_." I rolled my own eyes at that one. "Try to avoid letting him know your address, because if he finds out the company name, the whole identity is screwed. And if he uses Rangeman resources to try and track you, then more people than just him will know. And Shell…" he hesitated.

"What else?"

"Be careful, honey. Careful of you." I felt tears prick my eyes at that, knowing Diesel was worried about me. "Do you want me to come with you? I can just be there, I won't interfere."

I considered his offer. It was generous, and I knew he would try and protect me from myself as well as Ranger. But I thought I had handled the conversation in the park pretty well, and I hoped I would be able to cope. I would just have to remember all the progress I had made with my talks with Janice.

"No, but thanks, Diesel. I think I'll be OK. Thanks though," I said again.

"Call me tomorrow. Or tonight if you need to. Call me if you need me to come to you. You know I can be there quickly if I have to."

The tears were really welling up now at his support. "I'll call, I promise. Bye, Diesel."

"Bye, honey."

I disconnected the call and sat, willing the tears to subside and my breathing to even out. When I finally felt back under control, I began to feel the worry about tonight creeping over me. _What did he want to talk about? Was he looking for an apology from me? Was_ _ **he**_ _sorry for what happened between us?_ The evening was looming like an uncertain cloud over the horizon.

* * *

 _AN: So what does Ranger want? What should Steph say to him? Should she tell him about her life?_


	13. Chapter 13

_AN: Originally, I thought dinner would be one chapter, but it's turning out to be more than that. So here is dinner – part one. ;)  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

* * *

Chapter 13.

I spent the rest of the morning working on research for Diesel and Lizzy, trying hard to distract myself from worrying about the looming evening and what it might bring. I had a potential lead on one of the stones, a story from the 1960's about a man who claimed he had a precious object that made him and everyone around him angry all the time. Even though it was a story, it seemed to be very widely believed. He was called Anthony 'Ire' Montgomery, and it sounded like a possible lead on the _Ira_ stone. I was compiling a dossier on Montgomery, and researching deeply into his family history, and possible descendants. It was engrossing work, and I managed to forget everything else until 1.45pm, when my stomach reminded me I had not eaten since the French toast for breakfast.

I made myself a peanut butter and olive sandwich for lunch, needing the comfort and familiarity of my favourite foods. As I ate, the worry was creeping back into my mind, when it suddenly occurred to me to remember an exercise that Janice had had me do about three months ago. I had been in New York, and had a longer-than-usual session on Janice's couch – yes she has a very nice grey leather couch in her office, it is very comfortable – and most of this session we had spent discussing my final, traumatic conversation with Ranger. Janice eventually gave me the homework to write in my journal about everything I would like to say to, and ask of Ranger, if I could speak to him now. It suddenly occurred to me that I actually had the chance to do just that.

I got my therapy journal out of the safe Diesel had installed in my bedroom closet, and began reading over what I had written. There were nearly eighteen pages in the journal of explanations, questions and apologies. I knew I could not cover this all in a simple dinner, but I hoped I might get the chance to ask at least a couple of questions. Re-reading this also helped me to rehearse an apology for what I felt were the most damaging things I had done, and said to him. Even if he never apologised to me for anything, I knew I would feel a lot better, if I had the chance to say sorry for a few things.

Later that afternoon, I got ready for my Zumba class, and selected some warm, casual clothes to wear to dinner. On impulse, I tossed my therapy journal into my gym bag. I wasn't sure what prompted me to do that, since the journal was intensely personal, and I was certain I would never feel comfortable sharing it with anyone other than Janice. It was also a slight risk to take it out of the apartment. It was the only link to Stephanie Plum I had here. I wasn't allowed to keep electronic records, so the journal had to be hand-written. Diesel had installed the safe so I could keep all my physical research documents and any small items related to the SALIGIA stones in the safe, before I passed them onto him, or to my contact in the BUM. Diesel had also set me up with a safe deposit box in Boston, to keep all my documents and records relating to Stephanie Plum's true identity safe and hidden away, but I needed to have the therapy journal with me, so I kept it in the safe in my closet.

But something, a strange compulsion, drove me to take it with me tonight. I shrugged, and just decided I would leave my gym bag in my car, I would not take it into the restaurant with Ranger. Realising it was 5.40 already, I grabbed the gym bag, my beaded bag and keys and headed out to drive to the gym.

I love Zumba. I love the primal beats, and it is the best way I had ever found to get sweaty. I never claimed to be the world's best dancer, but surrounded by people _smiling_ as they exercised, I always felt energised and the stress of everyday melted away. But tonight, the niggle in the back of my mind about dinner tonight was not entirely gone. I was still mentally rehearsing and doing my breathing exercises as I took a brief shower, and dressed in the suede moss-green skirt and lamb's wool pullover I had packed to wear with my knee-high chocolate-brown boots and matching pashmina. Luckily my straightened hair was easy to style. I spent fifteen minutes applying makeup; I needed five coats of mascara tonight, before I felt ready to face what may come.

I left the gym, to find Ranger leaning patiently against his Cayenne. I got the impression he had been waiting a while. I even wondered if he had been waiting since before six, although I hadn't seen him when I arrived, he had a light dusting of snow on his jacket and in his shoulder-length hair. I sensed that he had not known if I would come, or if I had given him a false address, and he had come early to see if I would show, and check that I was there.

My heart stuttered in my chest at the all-too-familiar sight of him in black pants, black button-up and black leather jacket. I had to breathe, and tamp fiercely down on the memories and emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. _He is so beautiful._ Some people would say, probably even Ranger himself, that it is not manly to call a man beautiful. But with Ranger, manly was never in question, never in doubt, and he _was_ beautiful. And the inimitable scent of Bulgari – a scent I hadn't smelled, had even _avoided_ for nine months – etched into my senses.

In a slight daze, I allowed Ranger to take my gym bag and hand me into the Porsche. Again the feeling of familiarity brought a wash of memories, and I closed my eyes for a moment to try and regain some equilibrium. Ranger's quiet voice broke my concentration, "Do you like Thai food?" I looked at him and nodded. He started the car and drove toward the restaurant he had selected. "I hope the food is good, I had to rely on Google and online recommendations. I don't know much about this part of Boston."

"I'm sure it will be fine," I murmured.

"Why Medford?" he asked.

I shook my head slightly, trying to clear my whirling thoughts, "No specific reason. Diesel just wanted me somewhere a bit out of town, away from South Boston and Beacon Hill."

He raised an eyebrow, "South Boston because of Rangeman?" I nodded. "So why did you need to be away from Beacon Hill?"

"Oh because Wulf's apartment is there."

His head jerked toward me and a frown slashed between his brows, _"Wulf!"_

 _Oh crap!_ I had to get a grip and be more careful about what I shared. I tried to react casually, "Umm… yeah. He's living in Boston, and Diesel didn't want our paths to cross. No reason for him to come to Medford, so I try and keep things local as much as I can."

"So why are _you_ in Boston?"

I was ready for that one. I shrugged, "Oh, just where the work was available." He looked at me, but I didn't elaborate. I decided to turn the tables, "So who is the Rangeman client in Medford?"

He seemed to relax slightly as he replied, "Just a financial investment company, they own that building across from your diner. They want some physical security on the building and a full electronic security package. Tank and I flew up for the initial meeting last week, because they have their head office here, but also have two other offices in New York and Philadelphia. I'm not sure about taking on the physical security in New York, since we don't have an office there, so we'll probably have to subcontract that. But we'll do the rest."

 _Damn!_ I thought, _there's going to be Rangeman security around the corner from my building…_ I was going to have to talk to Diesel about that. I may have to move, if there were likely to be Rangeman cameras tracking my movements. I really didn't want to, I liked my little apartment, and it had started to feel like home. Plus I loved the café…

Ranger pulled the car up to the restaurant and broke my chain of thought. We went in, and were seated by a friendly hostess, who looked like one of those delicate, tiny Thai dolls in her traditional costume. I ordered fish cakes and spicy roasted duck curry. Ranger ordered Pak Tod vegetables and stir-fried scallops and vegetables. I guess some things never changed, he still ate too much healthy food. He ordered a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, and we sipped the wine and inhaled the spices and aromas of the restaurant as we waited for our appetisers.

Ranger didn't seem keen to launch into anything personal, or take up from where he had left off this morning, so I decided to take the bull by the horns, and say at least one thing I wanted to say tonight.

"Ranger, can I ask that you let me say something, without interrupting me?" He nodded. "OK, here goes. The last time we spoke, back in Trenton, you said some things to me. I was really hurt, totally devastated by a lot of it. I don't want you to think I blame you, because I don't, but I was so hurt. I relied on you, counted on you completely to be there for me, no matter what. When you said you wouldn't be there for me anymore, I think my world fell apart. It's taken me long time to put it back together."

I paused to sip my wine before continuing, "I've been having therapy." I hesitated, and saw a flicker of surprise cross his face. "A few months ago, my therapist advised me to write down some things I wanted to say to you, if I ever saw you again, so I want to say a couple of them now. First off, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the back-and-forth I continued between you and Morelli, for the crap I put you through with the yo-yo relationships.

And I'm sorry for going back to him after Hawaii. I shouldn't have done that. Hawaii was… well, it was like a dream. Like time out of life, totally removed from reality. Our time there together, it felt like somehow we were really together. Like a couple. And then it was so rudely and brutally interrupted. One minute I'm living in a dreamlike 'someday' with you, and the next I'm driving two unconscious, bloodied men to hospital. I reacted really badly, and like usual, I ran away.

When we all got back, I was so confused. I think if you had said something, _anything,_ to indicate that Hawaii had meant as much to you as it had to me, I would have fallen back into your arms in a heartbeat. But you didn't. And despite me treating Joe so shabbily, he kept coming back. So I fell back into my old habitual pattern, and there we were. I'm not trying to say it was OK, I know it was not OK, but I just wanted you to know why I reacted that way. And I wanted… no I _needed_ to say sorry. And also coming to you a week after Joe left town, looking for you to step in and be there for me… Well, in hindsight, that was unconscionable. I'm truly sorry, Ranger."

I stopped and took several deep breaths. I was on the edge of tears, and I was grateful that the waiter came over to serve our appetisers, and refresh our wine and water glasses. I took the opportunity to swallow half a glass of water, and then sip my wine again, as I fought back the emotion my speech had raised. I picked up my fork to spear a fish cake, and tried to feel hungry as I nibbled on it. Ranger had not touched his tempura vegetables as yet, he seemed lost for words, as he too sipped at his water glass.

He picked up a broccoli floret on his fork and looked at it for a few moments, as he seemed to struggle for words. "Ste… Shell, I've regretted that night so much over the last nine months. I don't think a day's gone by I haven't thought about the things I said to you, and wished I could have gone back and done it over. I know I was brutal, even cruel. I was tired, and stressed about the decisions I'd been making about Atlanta. And I was worried about David, he'd been given a preliminary diagnosis of leukaemia, and that's why he wanted to step back from Rangeman. I know all that's not an excuse for being cruel. It was just… seeing you there, feeling like you'd only come because Morelli had dumped you, and feeling like you only wanted me as a second choice. I lashed out, and I'm sorry too."

Despite my best intentions, a tear slipped down my cheek, at the intensity of the memories and the honesty of the emotions. We both tried to eat some of our appetisers, but neither of us seemed to have much appetite.

Finally, I managed to ask, almost in a whisper, "How is David?"

He gave a strangled chuckle at that, "He's doing OK. I managed to convince him to stay on in a part-time consulting capacity, since it gives him something to do to take his mind off his treatment, plus it keeps him covered under Rangeman insurance. He's still having chemotherapy, but his results so far have been encouraging."

I managed a slight smile, "I'm glad for you, for your friend."

He reached across the table and took my hand, "That's one of the things I have always loved most about you. Your compassion, your empathy, even for strangers, even for criminals you encountered as skips. You took time to listen to their stories, and empathise with their troubles. I'm glad to see nothing has changed in that."

We both managed more genuine smiles, and picked up our forks to finish our appetisers with some real appetites. When the waiter cleared our plates, I picked up my wine glass again, and decided to keep going, since I had made a start on my 'what would I say list'.

"Can I ask you, Ranger, what was Hawaii to you? Was it just a lot of really good sex? Was it just pretend romance? Did it mean anything at all to you at the time?"

* * *

 _AN: Gotta love another cliffie! :)_


	14. Chapter 14

_AN: Still loving each and every review. Still hanging out for them, never think I don't! :) Dinner – part two…  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

* * *

Chapter 14

" _Can I ask you, Ranger, what was Hawaii to you? Was it just a lot of really good sex? Was it just pretend romance? Did it mean anything at all to you at the time?"_

He looked shocked at my question, and very uncomfortable. He didn't seem like he wanted to answer me, and he remained silent for several minutes. But I waited him out, since this was one of the top three questions I _really_ wanted him to answer.

Finally he sighed and replied, "I don't really know what it was. At first, it was just an act to catch the skip. And then somehow the act blurred into something more, and it felt like we weren't really pretending anymore. I'd always told you that I loved you; it really felt like you loved me too there for a minute." He gave a half-smile, "And the sex was phenomenal. Best of my life."

I was shocked at that – a man of Ranger's looks and experience, it was a big call. The comment about love made my heart thump wildly in my chest. He went on, "When Morelli knocked on the door, it was like the proverbial bucket of cold water. And it washed away the fantasy we'd been living, in a huge way. Waking up in that hospital with a split cheek and a headache from the Taser, and you were gone. Just felt like none of it had been real.

And then back in Trenton, I didn't know what to say. You were avoiding me, still running away. Then there was that crew of crazies chasing after you for that photo, including that psycho Razzle Dazzle, and then suddenly, I heard you were back with Morelli. Hawaii seemed like it almost hadn't happened. I figured you were trying to forget it, put it behind you, so I decided I wanted it all to just stop. I didn't want to play pretend anymore."

He paused as the waiter served my curry and his stir-fry. He picked up his fork again, and continued, "I sometimes wonder what would have happened if Morelli hadn't shown up. Would we have done everything differently? Where would be now?"

I nodded, "Me too. I have felt so many times that everything might have been different if he hadn't come after me." I took a deep breath, "But my therapist has been trying to teach me that it's pointless to try and rework the past. 'If onlys' just make me more unhappy. I would change so much that I did, if I could, but the only thing I can change is what I do from now."

He looked thoughtful at that, "I'm a little surprised that you are going to therapy, Babe. You've never been much for expressing your feelings."

I chuckled slightly, "Well, it certainly didn't come easy at first. But there's something about Janice, she's just really easy to talk to. And she's really matter-of-fact about everything. She's been giving me really practical stuff to do. Write down things that happened to me like I'm watching a video, make lists of things, like people to apologise to, and questions I would ask about why people treated me badly. It really helps she's been trying to help me edit out a lot of the emotions, to be objective. It comes more naturally for me that way."

Ranger nodded slowly, "I'm proud of you, Babe."

My breath caught in my throat, and I almost choked on a piece of roast duck. To hear those words, _those words_ , was almost too much. I took a deep, shuddering breath, and fought to regain my composure.

 _Pull up those big girl panties, Stephanie, you need to say this now!_ I took a deep breath, "Ranger, I want you to know I did love you. I'd known since the day you walked into my apartment to face Scrog. I loved you. I always will love you. I believed I was watching you die that day. It ripped my heart out of my chest. And Hawaii felt like love to me too. But when we got back to Trenton, well, it felt like you just went back to status quo…"

I choked up again and couldn't continue. I went back to deep breathing, and Ranger looked like he didn't know what to say. When I felt like I could speak again, I decided the time had come to ask another of my 'big three' hard questions.

"Ranger, I know I was responsible for the whole yo-yo thing between you and Morelli. And, like I said, I'm sorry for that. But you were responsible too. Morelli and I, our relationship was just fucked up from the start, and _believe me_ that has been a big topic of conversation for me with Janice. But you… why were you always pulling me in, giving me a taste and then pushing me away? Why all the poaching kisses and fondling in the alley? You'd make it feel like a taste of heaven, then disappear for weeks. You were part of that triangle and yo-yoing almost as hard as me. So, _why_?"

Ranger put his cutlery down and pushed away his half-eaten meal. He looked solemn, "Yes. I've been just as fucked up as you in this, I know. I did pull you in with one hand, and push you away with the other." He gave a tiny snort, "I should probably be in therapy with you, truth be told, but the majority of fucked-up shit in my life, I wouldn't be allowed to talk about with anyone other than some high-ranking Army officials."

He sighed, "When I met you, you seemed like this huge contradiction. On the one hand you came across as this feisty, bring-it-on, kind of girl, who put on this brave face, and paper-thin tough exterior. You went out there and did a job that normally only the toughest will do, and you gave it your all. I _admired you_. I thought you were sexy as hell, and I loved your feisty side. But as time went on, I began to see how mired you were by the traditions and culture you'd grown up with. I really couldn't understand why you'd want to be with Morelli, with what I knew of your history. I figured you must really want that life – the white picket fence, the ring, the 2.5 kids, and the dog. And I could never give it to you.

But still, I was so _drawn_ to you. I wanted your fire, your heat. I made that deal with you about DeChooch, because I thought it would give me a safe way to be with you, without risking my heart trying to be something to you that I could never be. It's why I said you should go back to Morelli afterwards, even though it was truly the last thing I wanted you to do. And it didn't work anyway, since I just wanted you more and more. I was drawn to be with you. And you crawled under my skin and into my heart."

He shook his head, "But you still went back to him. Then that day, I came home to find you in my bed, I couldn't help but think, _she's come to me, and she's here to be with me_. But you held me off, and went back to him again. When all that shit went down with Julie and Scrog, I couldn't help myself. I _needed_ you, and you were completely there for me. I knew if anything happened to you because of me, it would kill me. But I couldn't push you away then, because I needed you with me so much. And then you went back to him again, you told _him_ you _loved him_. The kisses in the alley, all the push-pull, I just _wanted you so much_. But I didn't think you wanted _me_. Not as much as you wanted Morelli, and what he could give you."

He sighed again, "Like you said, it's not an excuse. And it wasn't OK. It was fucked up and really sick. But I never wanted to hurt you deliberately, Steph… uhh, Shell. I just didn't have the strength to pull away completely, at least until after Hawaii. It was like I couldn't be what you wanted, but I couldn't walk away. And when I did, I threw it in your face, and laid all the blame on you. I'm sorry, Babe. I fucked up too."

I swiped at the tears that had run down my cheek. I hoped against hope that my mascara had not run or I would look like a raccoon. I had only eaten about two thirds of my curry, but it had gone cold while I was listening to Ranger, and I pushed it away as well. Ranger signalled the waiter to come, and asked him to refresh our wine, and clear the food. I took an appreciative swallow of the wine, hoping to calm my whirlpooling emotions.

"Is that why you looked for me?" I finally asked.

He looked at me, "I didn't expect you to vanish from Trenton. I guess I was selfishly expecting you to just stay there, that you'd always be there. I couldn't think about you finding someone else or not being there. Maybe I thought you'd even wait for me to come back, even though I didn't really plan to come back. I was a selfish prick. When Tank told me you'd gone and he couldn't find you… I guess it was a really rude wake-up call. At first I was really angry with you. Then, I ended up calling Connie at one point, just to ask for myself if she could give me any more clues about Diesel. She described to me the way you looked on that last day she saw you. She said you were so drawn, you'd lost weight and she said you looked totally miserable and lost.

Suddenly, I started to understand, well, what I had done. And when it became clearer and clearer that I probably would never find you, there was like this gaping hole in my heart. I told myself I was trying to find you for your family, for your friends, for the guys at Rangeman, but the truth was I was trying to find you for me. Like if I could just find you, I could somehow feel better, move on, knowing you were where I thought you should be."

"Wow. That is _really_ screwed up Ranger. Can you hear how selfish that sounds?"

He sighed, "Yeah." He thought for a minute, "I'm pretty sure Tank was ready to kick my stupid ass, and I would have deserved it. I think he wanted to give up looking for you once it became clear you had really disappeared with Diesel. He knew we would never be able to find you, as long as he was helping you. But I wouldn't let him give up, and I wasn't even there in Trenton. I was hiding away in Atlanta, sulking like a fucking kid, expecting him and Silvio to find you. The number of times he told me it was pointless… well, let's just say if he could have called me to the mats, he would have." Ranger gave a half-smile that was more like a grimace.

The waiter chose that moment to come back to the table, asking if we had enjoyed the meal, and suggesting desserts and coffee. Ranger asked me if I wanted dessert, but I shook my head. Thai desserts, like most Asian desserts had never really done much for me. We both asked for coffee, and the waiter departed.

I thought about everything that Ranger had said to me. I could see clearly his sincerity. The fact that he had apologised to me for some of the things he had said and done was almost astounding, and more than I had expected. He had opened up to me much more than I had dreamed he would. I decided that it would give me the courage to ask the last of my 'big three' questions of him.

I waited until the waiter had brought back our coffee, before I took a final deep breath to fortify myself. I told myself no matter what the answer, I was strong enough now to cope. "Ranger, so now that you've found me… what do you want from me? What now?"

He looked completely blank. Not his deliberate blank-face look of shut-down, closed-off emotions, but the blank face of someone who is completely floored, who has been presented with a totally unexpected question. He obviously had not even considered this scenario.

"I don't really know. I think, even though I kept looking, I didn't really expect to find you. Now, I'm not sure. What about you? What do you want?"

"I really don't have any expectations, Ranger. Since I left Trenton, I have been living completely day-to-day. I haven't been planning for my future, I haven't even been thinking about a future. This morning – god it seems like a lifetime ago now – I was eating my breakfast, thinking about how difficult it would be to even date someone, with this strange, fake, half-life I'm living."

"Who are you going to date?" he asked sharply.

I looked at him, "It's really not important, Ranger. I was thinking about it an abstract way." He didn't look satisfied at that, but didn't press me. "Anyway, you're avoiding the question. Please Ranger, I really need to know. What do you want from me now?"

He sipped his coffee, clearly playing for time, "I didn't have a clear plan for if I ever found you. I guess I thought either you'd have moved on completely, or I'd feel some sort of closure, or you'd… we'd be back, somehow, where we were a year ago. I'm not really sure."

"If there's one thing I've learned this last year, it's that I can't go back. I can't move backward, only forward."

"No, I think I suddenly realised that too, tonight. Like I told you, I think I was looking for you to make myself feel better, to somehow fix our friendship back to what it was. This morning, in that diner, in the park, I suddenly understood that I could probably never really fix what I'd done, what _we'd_ done. You're right, we can't go back."

Even though I was more or less expecting it, his words still ripped at my heart. It sounded so _final_ , like goodbye. I sat completely still, his words echoing in my stunned brain; I don't even think I was breathing.

Finally, in a tiny voice I asked, _"So this is it? Goodbye for good this time?"_

* * *

 _AN: OK, OK, bring on the hate-mail! ;P_


	15. Chapter 15

_AN: Ohhh you guys are sweet. No hate mail. But hold your breath, more angst!  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

* * *

Chapter 15.

 _Finally, in a tiny voice I asked, "So this is it? Goodbye for good this time?"_

Ranger's blank face slammed down, and he said nothing. The silence continued for what felt like forever. _I_ _hate_ _that_ _fucking_ _blank face_! Anger rose up inside me like bile in my throat. I hissed, _"Fuck you!"_ and grabbed my wrap and beaded bag and stormed out of the restaurant.

Ranger seemed stunned by my move, but after a moment, he called, "Babe! No, wait!" He hurriedly threw a couple of hundreds on the table from his wallet and ran out of the restaurant behind me. He caught my arm as I went to raise it at a passing taxi. "Ste… Babe, _please_!"

" _NO, Ranger!_ I am _done_ with your stupid, fucking, blank-face, 'I-don't-communicate' garbage! _DONE!_ We have been talking, really _talking_ , and then you just shut down. So you can keep your 'don't-ask-don't-tell' blank face and silent shit. I'm getting a taxi and I'm going home!" I went to raise my arm again, but Ranger caught my hand.

"Stephanie, _please_!" he hissed at me, "I'm sorry, Babe, please just listen." I stopped, my chest heaving with emotion and anger. "Babe, please, I'm sorry. I just… Babe, it's cold and you're shivering, can we go and sit in the car, please?"

I was shivering as much from anger and hurt as I was from cold, but I nodded and he led me to the car, and settled me in the passenger seat. Once he was seated, he turned on the car to run the heater. "Steph, I'm sorry. It is instinct for me to shut down, to hide my emotions. In the field, it has been survival. Even in my business, it has driven me. It's instinct. But I'm sorry. When you said this was goodbye… Babe, I don't want this to be goodbye. I don't want to lose you from my life again completely."

I was feeling really tired. The rollercoaster of emotions the dinner had wrought, on top of the stress all day worrying about it, had drained my energy. "Ranger, I don't know if I can do this anymore tonight. This has been… just a really stressful day and night. Tonight, you have opened up to me more than I ever expected you to, and I'm grateful for that, but then when you just shut down again… I just felt like I'd been thrown back into the turmoil from last year again. This time here in Boston has been difficult, but it hasn't had the extremes of highs and lows that were my life back in Trenton. I don't think I'm used to them anymore. I really want to go home, I want to go to bed."

"I can take you home, S…Shell."

I sighed at the reminder of my split personality, "No, just take me back to my car please Ranger. I need my car for work tomorrow." He nodded and drove the Cayenne quietly back to the gym.

As we approached the gym, he spoke again, "Babe please, _please_ have breakfast with me tomorrow? We could do lunch, but I have another meeting. I'm here in Boston for another couple of days though. So please, have breakfast with me? I can pick you up at 7.30? I will think about everything you've said, and I promise I'll have some more answers for you tomorrow."

"Ranger, this dinner, I was… well, I was expecting this to be the end. Diesel is worried about you coming back into my life, he doesn't want you knowing where I live or work. I just… I don't know."

"I could meet you at your diner then?"

I snorted, "I doubt that's a very good idea. Mandy's already watching over me like a mother hen. And she doesn't seem to like you much."

He persisted, "OK, how about at the park where we were this morning. I'll meet you, and we can find somewhere to eat together?"

"I… I'll think about it."

"Please, Babe. One more chance?"

I nodded reluctantly. I still wasn't sure if I should go, but I could see he wouldn't let me leave the car without agreeing. I said, "Goodnight Ranger. You can leave when I get in my car. I'll lock my doors, and I'll be safe. Please don't try and follow me."

He looked unhappy at that, but agreed. I got into my car, locked the doors and watched as he flashed his lights at me. I flashed mine back and he drove off. Tiredly, I started my car, and drove home a longer way, taking a few extra turns to hopefully put off anyone who might be following me. I didn't think Ranger would, but my long experience with him was hard to shake. I realised he probably had already memorised my registration, but the car was not in my name, so I wasn't too worried about it.

When I got home, I felt completely drained and empty. I dragged myself into the shower and stood there until the water cooled. I dressed in comfy sweats and thick socks, and looked at my bed, but my churning thoughts and emotions still wouldn't let me rest. I really needed my journal, I needed to try and put some of this down on paper to organise my thoughts so I could sleep.

I got up to get my journal out of my safe, then groaned as I realised it was in my gym bag. I grabbed my keys and looked for something to wear on my feet to go and grab my gym bag, as I hadn't brought it out of my car. Suddenly, I was struck by a memory of handing my gym bag to Ranger, as I walked out of the gym. He had, naturally, put it into his own car as we drove to the restaurant. _Oh god!_ It looked like I was having breakfast with Ranger in the morning. If it had just been the gym clothes and toiletries, even the makeup, I might have just written it off, but the journal I _had_ to retrieve.

I sat with my head in my hands, elbows resting on my knees, as I tried to clear my mind and relax, without any success. I gave a startled yelp as I felt a pair of warm, masculine arms come around me and lift me up out of the chair. But I relaxed immediately, as I smelled the familiar, rich cinnamon smell, and looked up into his concerned brown eyes. Diesel sat on the sofa, where I had been sitting, holding me in his lap, and rubbed a soothing hand in circles on my back. Gradually, I felt the tension ebb away, and I slipped into sleep in his comforting embrace.

I woke the next morning, wrapped in Diesel's arms, held tightly to him in my bed, as I had been many times all those months ago when Ranger had first left. Slowly, I rolled over, and Diesel smiled sleepily at me as we lay there looking at each other. I wondered what the time was, my tummy was starting to rumble and I was thinking about French toast for breakfast. _Breakfast! Ranger!_ I shot up suddenly, and Diesel shot up beside me.

"What honey, what's wrong?"

"Oh god, I said I would have breakfast with Ranger. At 7.30. What's the time?"

"Relax, it's 6.45. You have time. Why are you having breakfast with him?"

"He made me promise. We talked last night, but then we kind of had a blow up at the end of dinner. He wanted to have breakfast to try and talk things out more. I didn't want to go, but I left my gym bag in his car last night. I need to get it back."

"Do you want me to go for you?"

I looked at him, "No, I think I need to go. Where we left things last night… well I just think I need to finish the conversation."

"Hmm. Jump in the shower, and I'll put on some coffee."

"You're a Thiesli! Thanks." I flashed a grin at him and dashed into the shower before he could reach me with his outraged shout. I hurried through the shower, spent the minimum time on my hair and applied a couple of coats of mascara. OK, _four coats_ , sue me, I needed the confidence. I came out to find a steaming cup of coffee, with just the right amount of cream and sugar. I sipped it appreciatively.

"Are you going to tell me what happened last night?" he asked.

"Not much. He picked me up at the gym, we went for Thai food. I said some of the things that I wanted to say. Asked some questions I wanted answered. Actually, he told me more than I expected him to. He really answered me… well most of the time. Until the end, he shut down again. Which pissed me off, because I've always hated that stupid blank face and one-word responses. Anyway, he said he was going to think about what I'd said, what we'd talked about, and we'd talk more this morning." Diesel's eyebrows raised at this. "He drove me back to my car at the gym. I told him to leave once I was in my car, and not to follow me. I don't think he did. We're going to meet at the park down the street; I didn't give him my address or last name."

Diesel nodded. "OK. I'll meet you back here around 11. We can have lunch?" He kissed me on top of my head and nudged me to the door. "You'd better go if you want to be on time."

I was wearing my jeans, boots and a fringed white sweater. I put on my green, wool swing coat, and wrapped up in my multi-coloured, matching hat, scarf and gloves set. I walked quickly down to the park, and saw Ranger standing at the entrance, outfitted in his usual all-black. His face was not blank, he had a determined expression. But for an instant I thought I saw relief flash through his eyes as he saw me approach. I don't think he was confident I was going to show up. He smiled at me, not the full 1000 watts, but a genuine smile. He asked, "Any ideas for breakfast?"

I indicated another diner on the next block that I had visited on occasion. Their French toast wasn't up to the same standard, but they had homemade muffins that were pretty good. They even had zucchini, spinach and fetta muffins for Ranger the health nut. Actually they tasted pretty good, but I would never admit that to him. I ordered a blueberry, banana and walnut muffin and a caramel latte, and watched as Ranger did indeed order the zucchini muffin and black coffee. I smirked privately to myself.

He said, "You look a bit better, I hope you slept well." I wasn't going to tell him that I had slept in Diesel's arms; that could just start an argument I didn't want to have. He went on, "I'm sorry for how the evening ended last night. I just wasn't expecting that question, and I didn't have a good answer. Plus when you mentioned the idea of saying goodbye forever… that wasn't what I wanted Shell. I was talking about moving forward, not going back."

I considered that, "Ranger, I hear you. Maybe I shouldn't have asked that question of you, since I'm not sure what I want to do, and I don't know how to move any of this forward myself. To be friends again, I mean. I'm living here as Shell, I assume you're still living in Atlanta, and I don't want to go back to Trenton anytime soon, unless it's just to visit grandma and a couple other people. And then I'd have to do it in secret. My job requires a significant level of secrecy, like I told you it's part of my employment contract. So I can't see dropping into Rangeman Boston and saying, 'Hi I'm Stephanie, but you can call me Shell'." He chuckled at that. I went on, "So would you propose we meet up secretly a couple times a year when you're here in Boston? Or what?"

His expression became even more determined, "Babe, like I told you last night, I know we can't just get back what we had, but now I've found you, I'm not letting you just walk away. I screwed up, you screwed up. We apologised. We moved on. What I want is a chance to see you again, to start over, to see what we could be again."

Something about this speech got the back of my neck tingling. I wasn't sure what it was. It sounded rehearsed, but that wasn't unreasonable, if he'd been thinking about it. I didn't think that was what bothered me. I tried to shake the feeling off.

"So what, Ranger? How do we do that?"

"I'm can start splitting my time between Boston and Atlanta. I can be up here at least one week a month, and I want to see you as much as I can. Nobody in Boston has ever worked in Trenton, so if we do run into any of my men, or drop into Rangeman, nobody should recognise you. You just use your new name. The men know my private life is not up for discussion anyway, and I tell them that any gossip about it results in instant dismissal. I don't think it has to be that hard."

I was taken aback at his proposal. He'd obviously given it some thought, and I was astonished at the lengths to which he was prepared to compromise and accommodate me. I stammered, "Umm… I… I don't know. I guess that might be OK. I probably need to clear it with Diesel, I think. I'm having lunch with him today, so I can ask. How can I get in touch with you?"

He handed me a card with a cell phone number on it. "That's a secure line, I set it up last night. You can call, it can't be traced. I'm sure if you ask Diesel, he can get you the same thing on your end."

I nodded, "He already has. But I'd better not give you my number until I've cleared it. I'll call you later tonight?"

"I'll be waiting Babe." We finished our coffee and muffins, and then stood to leave. Ranger insisted on paying, so I waited by the door. I suddenly remembered my gym bag and journal.

As he came up to the door, I wrapped up in my scarf and put my gloves on and said, "Ranger, I need to get my gym bag out of your car." He nodded, and gestured towards where his car was parked near the little park. "Thanks," I said, "I was worried about it last night."

An expression flashed across his face, and my spidey sense went into overdrive. Suddenly, I realised what had bothered me about his earlier speech. Some of the familiar phrases, _'I screwed up, you screwed up' 'Can we start over, and see what we could be again'_ echoed in my mind, and I realised I had written them, _I had written them in my therapy journal_ , when I was writing about what I would like to say to Ranger if I got the chance.

It had to be a coincidence, right? _He couldn't have read it!_ As he opened the car door, and handed me out the bag, I asked apprehensively, "Ranger, you… you didn't open my bag did you?"

I could see he was struggling, he clearly wanted to slam down his blank face, but remembered my reaction last night. He was struggling to maintain a noncommittal look, but even his struggle was enough to give him away.

" _You_ _DID! You read my journal!"_ I exclaimed.

He looked guilty, and held out a hand toward me. "Babe, I…" I jerked away from him and took a step back, horrified.

"How could you _DO_ that, Ranger?" I snarled. "That is… I'm…" Rage and humiliation clouded my mind, and I was totally unable to form a coherent sentence.

"Babe, I only noticed the bag after I pulled into the garage at Rangeman. I only opened the bag to see if there was anything in there that I shouldn't leave in the car last night. When I saw the book, I just opened it to see what it was, and then I just… I couldn't not…"

Tears were streaming down my face, tears of anger and immense hurt, "Ranger there is no good enough reason. There is nothing… I can't… I just… can't be near you anymore." I turned and started to run away from him. He caught me in just a few steps, but as he grabbed my hand holding my bag, I turned instinctively and hit out at him with my other hand. My hand made a loud _crack_ as it slapped on his face, and we stood gazing at each other in shock.

I turned again and dashed away, glancing back as I turned the corner to see him standing there with his head hanging, looking dejectedly at the pavement.

I ran all the way back to my apartment, and slammed the door closed. I sank onto the floor, holding the gym bag to my chest, as I began sobbing in earnest.

* * *

 _AN: Please review! Pretty please with skin-tight black t-shirts on top! :)_


	16. Chapter 16

_AN: Sorry for the week-long hiatus. Real life can be a merciless b***** sometimes and my sucky week sent my muse on a leave of absence. Sigh. But good news is that I have more than half-written the next chapter too, so should be back to posting every couple of days… I hope. :)  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

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Chapter 16.

 _How could he?_

I sobbed on the floor for a while, letting the humiliation and sense of betrayal overwhelm me. Every time I thought of the deeply personal things I had written about _him_ , about my feelings for him, about my conflicted feelings between Morelli and him, another wave of anguish rolled through me.

Eventually, my sobs subsided, and the humiliation ebbed as anger began to replace it. _He had no right_! He protected his own privacy so fiercely, kept _everything_ so closed and silent, then he reads my deepest, most private thoughts and feelings without even hesitating. He _did_ betray me, but I was _not_ going to let this get the best of me. _He could_ _go to hell!_

I felt better as I rationalised my feelings, and I rose from the floor and wandered into the kitchen to find a Kleenex to blow my nose, and splash water on my face from the kitchen sink. I took some deep breaths and decided the time had come to stop crying, and to take some action. I desperately needed to talk to Janice about the last few days, and I knew she could help me find a way to move forward. Resolutely, I pulled out my secure cell phone and called Janice's office. Carolyn, her receptionist, assured me I could get an appointment for 4.30pm tomorrow evening in New York. I booked it in, after telling her I would have to confirm with my boss that I could go.

I went into the bedroom to change my sweater for something less formal, and then made some coffee before I sat down to work for a couple of hours. Yesterday, I had found a lead on what seemed to be Ire Montgomery's only living relative, a nephew, and I wanted to finish compiling the background information for Diesel, before he arrived for lunch. By 11.30, I had as much information as I could get, and I printed it and put it into a document wallet.

I decided to make lunch for Diesel and myself. My cooking skills were still pretty rudimentary, but my repertoire did extend beyond peanut butter and Tastykakes. I had a packet of gourmet tomato and bacon soup, and I prepared some grilled cheese sandwiches that I could cook when Diesel arrived. I added a little salad to some side plates, and put the soup into the microwave, ready to roll.

About ten past twelve, I heard Diesel's key in my door. I smiled at him, and went into the kitchen to start cooking the grilled cheese and heating the soup. Once I had the first batch of sandwiches cooking, I walked over to my desk and handed him the document wallet I had prepared. He leafed through the information I compiled while I served up the soup and sandwiches, and then he joined me at the table to eat.

We ate in silence for a couple of minutes before he asked, "OK, so what happened this morning?"

I sighed, "Well it was going pretty well, actually. He said he wanted to… well not really to start over, but to try to move forward together somehow. He wanted to come up to Boston one week a month, to see me. He said he could introduce me to his Boston men as Shell Parkes, and that they wouldn't know me from Trenton. I said I would check with you, if you thought it would all work, and be OK."

"Hmm, maybe. Don't know if it would be that simple, but… wait, it _was_ going well?"

I nodded, "We finished breakfast, and he gave me his cell number, and we went to his car so I could get my gym bag back. The problem was… Last night I took my therapy journal with me. I'd intended to put my gym bag in the car, but when I left the gym, I forgot that the journal was in there. Anyway, when he handed me the bag, my spidey was going haywire, and I realised I recognised a couple of phrases he'd said during breakfast. I recognised them from what I'd written in my journal. Then I realised he'd _read it_. And he admitted it. I was… beyond hurt. Betrayed. Really angry … and humiliated." By the end I was whispering.

Diesel reached across the table to grasp my hand. I looked up at him, and he murmured, "Oh honey."

I took a deep breath, "Yeah, so anyway. I came back, had a bit of a cry. Then I got really pissed, and I ended up calling Janice. I really need to see her, Diesel. I need to talk to her about everything, and so I've made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I'll drive down, stay overnight, and come back the next day? Will that be OK?"

"Of course. Don't worry about it. Lizzy and I can follow up with this nephew guy and we'll see if we have any new leads for you to chase when you get back."

"Thanks Diesel."

"No problem, honey. And, Shell?" I looked at him, "He's a complete jerk for reading it. No question." I nodded. "But you have to also take into account that he's an emotionally retarded moron."

I nearly snorted the gulp of coffee I had just taken out my nose at that. He went on, "Seriously Shell, he has no ability to express his own emotions, and I suspect, not much ability to understand yours. Plus, you've never been all that good at telling people about your feelings in the past. He should _not_ have invaded your privacy like that. But I can see why he'd be tempted. All I'm saying."

I didn't think I was quite ready to understand his motivations. That could lead me to forgiving him, and I _definitely_ didn't feel ready for that.

Diesel left after lunch, and I spent the remainder of my day doing some tidying and cleaning around the apartment. I went to the gym at 4.30 to ride the stationary bike for an hour or so, hoping to work off some of the cupcakes and muffin I had consumed over the last couple of days. Back home, I collapsed on the couch with leftover soup to watch some crappy TV. OK, so I ate _more_ cupcakes – hey, I'd done the time on the bike!

The next day, I ate breakfast at home – no way was I going near the diner today and risk Ranger waiting for me there – and packed an overnight bag ready to head to New York. I topped up Rex with hamster nuggets and some baby carrots, and freshened his water, before heading off.

Diesel had a small studio apartment in South Bronx, no doubt provided by the BUM, which I used when I had to be in the city. By now I was used to the drive, and it was a steady three and a half hour trip. I arrived around 3pm, and took the time to have a coffee and freshen up, before leaving for Janice's office. Her office was just off Central Park West, and I _hated_ driving in Manhattan, so I grabbed a taxi and headed over. I reflected how much more fortunate I was to have a steady income for an interesting job these days, and I didn't have to stress about paying for niceties like taxis.

Carolyn greeted me cheerfully, and told me that Janice was running about five minutes late. I settled into a comfortable arm chair in the waiting room with a magazine. Around ten minutes later, Janice's door opened, and ushered out a man in his late forties to Carolyn's desk. Janice smiled at me, and gestured me into her office. She offered me coffee, but I settled for a bottle of water, and I relaxed into her butter-soft leather sofa.

Janice observed me for a couple of minutes, allowing me to get comfortable. "OK, Steph. So making a special trip to NY, which it sounds like you did, is a bit out of the ordinary for you. What's the story? What did you need to talk about that meant we couldn't video chat?"

I took a deep breath, and launched into the story. I had mentioned to Janice about seeing Ranger more than a week ago, and she had been pleased and proud that I had worked through my turmoil on my own. Now I had to bring her up to speed with my latest encounters with him, and the fallout with my journal. It took about forty minutes to get through all the details, and I was feeling pretty emotional at the end, as I described my breakfast with Ranger yesterday.

Janice had been taking notes, and making noises to confirm she was listening, and she kept writing as I wound down and eventually tapered into silence. Finally, she looked up and gave me a small smile. "Wow, Steph, that sounds… eventful. Sometimes I'm amazed at the small world we live in, running into him like that. So where are you now, emotionally, do you think?"

I thought for a minute, "I still feel really angry with him. If I'm honest, I still feel pretty humiliated and exposed too. I'm not sure if I can forgive him." I explained, as I had to Diesel, that it was hard to understand how someone who protected his privacy so ferociously could be so intrusive and unrepentant about it. "I mean, I know my privacy has always been a pretty thin line with him. I've told you how he would just break into my place all the time. Sometimes, he would even break in in the middle of the night and watch me sleep. Usually, before he headed off on one of his mysterious trips 'into the wind' that he wouldn't talk about. But, isn't this a pretty big line to cross? I feel like he didn't just break in while I was sleeping…" I shuddered, and then whispered, "I feel like he broke in and molested me in my sleep."

Janice looked a little taken aback, "Wow, Steph, that's a big emotion. Have you told him that?"

I shook my head, "I was so angry, so humiliated, I couldn't even form sentences. I just… slapped his face and ran away," I admitted.

She raised her eyebrows at that. She mused aloud, "Well, I really think you'd benefit from telling him how you are really feeling, now that you're a bit more in control. Maybe you could write to him? It would allow you to think everything through and get your thoughts down exactly as you want them. An email or a letter?"

"I don't think Diesel would like me to send an email. There are some pretty amazing people at Rangeman when it comes to electronic tracking and I can't risk exposing my false background. Maybe a letter. I'm sure I could figure out a way to get it to him anonymously."

"Can I assume that you've written my name in your journal?"

"Sure, I think I called you 'Janice Schultz' a couple of times at first, and probably Janice lots of times."

"Well then, let's assume Ranger would be able to track a psychologist called Janice Schultz. It's not a stretch for him to find out I am in New York. So why don't you write your letter tonight, and then come into see me again tomorrow morning? My first appointment is at 9.30am, so you could be here at nine, and we could have a quick chat before you head back to Boston, or wherever you are going. And I can post the letter from my office."

The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of writing to Ranger. I thought he wouldn't really grasp the depth and strength of the betrayal I felt unless I could tell him. I agreed with Janice to write the letter tonight and bring it in tomorrow and she smiled at me.

We spent another fifteen minutes or so chatting about my journal. Janice was keen to have me start writing in it again as soon as possible. She didn't want me to confuse the feelings about Ranger reading it with the benefits of all the work I had been doing with it.

I left Janice's office feeling much more relaxed and comfortable than I had since yesterday morning. I caught a taxi back to Diesel's apartment, and got the driver to drop me two blocks away at a favourite Chinese restaurant I had found, to pick up delicious take out before walking back to the apartment. I ate kung pao chicken and fried rice and finished it up with a couple of Tastykakes I had brought with me.

I took a long, hot shower, and changed into comfortable sweats and thick socks. I sat down to write…

 _Dear Ranger…_

* * *

 _AN: Still loving your reviews. They make my day, and they influence my writing too, promise! Pleeeeease! ;)_


	17. Chapter 17

_AN: Yay, my muse is back! I think I'm on the push to the end. Not sure how many chapters to go, but I can see it off in the distance. Thanks for all your lovely reviews. :-)  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

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Chapter 17.

 _Dear Ranger,_

 _My therapist, whose name I am sure you know from_ _reading my journal_ _, has suggested that I need to write to you to express how I am feeling about what happened. She has offered to post this for me, to protect my address._

 _Ranger, I don't know if I have the words to express my anger, disappointment and humiliation at knowing that you read my therapy journal. Not just read it, but read and memorised enough that you_ _quoted_ _bits of it back to me._

 _The only excuse I can attribute to you is that you have always felt like I will be OK with you invading my privacy. Yes, in the past, I have been ok with you breaking into my apartment, watching me sleep, using my space, tracking my vehicles and me. I have always felt that this was done because you cared about me, and not because you didn't respect me or didn't believe I deserved any privacy. But this felt very different. This felt like there was no respect, that I didn't deserve respect, Ranger. This hurt._

 _I have cried so many times in the past nine months for what we have lost. We lost the closeness, we lost the intimacy, and (most hurtful of all) I lost my best friend. I am sure you also know from reading my journal that I blame myself most of all, although not exclusively. But never before have I felt like we lost the trust, the respect we had for one another. I don't know if it's gone for good, but it's pretty screwed up. By you, this time._

 _Ranger, you have hidden_ _so much_ _of yourself from me in the past. Your past, your thoughts, your feelings, your family, even your real home! Maybe I barged my way into your life sometimes, maybe I asked too many questions sometimes, but if you told me I couldn't know (or more often didn't say anything at all) then I would leave you alone._

 _You couldn't do that for me, couldn't leave me even the smallest shred of privacy. Even my most intimate thoughts, it feels like you stole them from me. I told Janice about how you would break into my apartment. How you would break in in the middle of the night, and watch me sleep. I told her that this feels like you broke in and molested me while I slept. Maybe that's an overreaction, I'm not sure, but it sort of describes how I feel._

 _When I ran away, I know I was hiding from the mistakes I made. But I was also trying to work toward reclaiming some self-respect, some sense of identity beyond my limited world I had created back in Trenton. I worked so hard, and when you opened up my life and dived into it again, without asking, it felt like you took some of that away. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it is the best way I can express what I felt._

 _You_ _must_ _have known it was wrong, that if I found out it would hurt me. Ranger, do you admit that you made a mistake? Can you? Do you think it was wrong, what you did? Or do you see it as justified in your own world view?_

 _I wish I could ask you these questions face to face, but my anger and betrayal I feel toward you is still so overwhelming, I really can't face you. I'm not sure if I should tell you this – I don't want to raise any false hopes – but this morning, I found the card with your cell number on it. I wanted_ _so much_ _to just rip it up and throw it away. But somehow you still have that last grip on my heart, and I still haven't thrown it away. I don't know if I will ever be able to use it, to call you. I guess I will just have to wait and see. But it hurts, it really hurts._

 _Ranger, I am asking you_ _please_ _to leave me alone unless I call you someday. Please no tracking me, no assigning anyone to follow me. Let me have that, at least. Please just let me have the time and space I need to live the life I have created here. At the moment, it feels (again) like it's all I have left._

 _One last thing, I do apologise for slapping you. I feel very guilty about it. Not because I think I hurt you so much, but because I know it was just wrong. If you had ever raised a hand to me in anger, I would've – actually I don't know what I would've done. But it would have hurt our friendship badly, maybe irreparably. I hate that I hit someone, let alone you, in anything other than self-defence. So I'm really ashamed, and I'm sorry._

 _Yours, Stephanie._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The letter took me several hours, and several drafts to write. It was cathartic, though, and I felt drained, but relieved when I fell into bed.

The next morning I was up by seven to take a quick shower and pack my overnight bag. By 7.30 I was out the door to hail a taxi to take me to the park. I got there by 8.15 and grabbed some coffee and donuts, before escaping into Central Park to walk. It was still cold, although not quite as cold as Boston, but the day was glorious, crisp air and shining sun. I walked slowly as far as I could to make it back to Janice's office by nine.

Carolyn ushered me straight in, and Janice greeted me, "You look better today."

"I feel better, I guess you were right. I needed to get it off my chest to him, and I slept pretty well last night, for the first time in a few days." I grinned, "Plus I had a nice walk in the park!"

Janice smiled at my enthusiasm. I handed her my letter and she read it through; I think she read it a couple of times. Eventually she nodded, "This is good, Steph. You've conveyed your sense of betrayal, but you have been fair and realistic about it. Tough, but fair. I'm really proud of you."

I loved it when people were sincerely proud of me, it made my heart swell. "Thanks, Janice, I think I'm proud of me as well."

"And I think you're right to hold onto the card Steph. Right now, you're angry and your trust in him is badly shaken. But the day may come you want to talk to him, even if it's just to try and get some closure and move on. I think you should keep the card for now." I nodded thoughtfully.

"So how do we handle the posting part?" Janice asked.

"I think we should post it to Rangeman Boston," I suggested. "He might be still there. But if not, they'll forward it on. I'll mark it personal and private." Janice agreed and found me an envelope. I checked the address on my phone and addressed the envelope. Janice told me to hand it to Carolyn as I left, and she would put it in her outgoing mail. We spent a couple more minutes chatting about my journal and my efforts to find hobbies and other interests. I thanked Janice for the last minute appointment and left.

I didn't have to be back in Boston by any specific time, so I walked diagonally across the park, people-watching and enjoying the first signs of spring, struggling to break through the winter snow. I strolled uptown slowly until I had had enough, then I hailed a taxi to take me back to the apartment. Although it was only around 11am, I decided to treat myself to a traditional New York-style hot dog before I headed home. I walked up the street to a vendor I knew on the next corner, and bought a bottle of coke for the road, and my greasy treat, with lots of mustard and sauerkraut. I ate it slowly, savouring the flavours and textures, with the juices dripping off my hands. After I finished, I walked back to the apartment to wash my hands and face. I collected my bag and began the drive back to Boston.

The overnight trip had been good for me, not just because my session with Janice had given me so much focus, but because I felt better having distanced myself slightly from the events in Boston. I knew, once I was back, there would be the temptation to hide myself away again, from any risk of seeing or meeting Ranger. I still felt the vague sense of shame, like I had been exposed. And I was worried about the Rangeman presence in my neighbourhood. But I was determined to live my new life as much as I had been, attending my gym sessions and art classes, and working for Diesel and Lizzy. I was even going back to my favourite breakfast café – I decided I wasn't going to let the threat of Rangeman cameras deter me.

I tried to tell myself that it was OK that I didn't contact Ranger again. He had screwed up monumentally, and I hadn't really left him any options to contact me. I had told him _not to_. So it was my choice. The _right choice_. But in reality, it was really hard. My anger had faded, but my sense of betrayal lingered, and I was still struggling with whether I could forgive him. _Could I ever trust him again?_ These questions played over in my mind, whenever I couldn't distract myself with work or other activities. Even though it was hidden away in a pocket, Ranger's card and number seemed to burn into my eyes every time I opened my beaded bag.

I threw myself back into my life with renewed determination. I started walking every day to and from the gym. It took about 45 minutes each way, on top of my cycling and Zumba, but it provided a different distraction. My art classes continued to be fun, I was actually starting to draw something recognisable, that maybe even resembled what I was meant to be drawing. And I continued to have regular coffee 'after-dates' with some of the people in the class. Liam continued to show subtle interest in me, but my recent run-in with Ranger had soured me on any idea of dating, and I tried to make sure I projected only friendly interest in him.

I told myself, once again, that this is my life. And I have to live it the best I can. I wrote another letter to grandma. I didn't mention any of the Ranger turmoil. I just told her I was doing fine and working hard, and that I was even exercising! And I sent another $500 in cash for her to give the funeral director at Stiva's. I hoped she was still getting my letters, and that she was OK. I made a mental note to ask my BUM contact to check on my family, the next time I spoke with him.

I went back to video-chatting with Janice. She asked me a couple of times if I felt like calling Ranger, but I said no. I wasn't ready, and she didn't push me. Janice had started encouraging me to work on understanding my relationship with my mother and father. So I was currently writing in my journal a 'letter' to them, expressing how I felt about how they had treated me in recent years. If I could get it all clear and objective enough in my mind, Janice suggested I could include it in one of my letters to grandma. I was considering it.

The days settled into weeks, and then more than a month had passed since I had encountered Ranger. I was sitting in my favourite café eating my usual French toast and sipping my latte. When I finished, I lingered, trying to practice my drawing. We were concentrating on still-life in my art class, and I had a small sketch-pad and pencil with me. I was determinedly trying to sketch a recognisable version of the maple syrup jug and salt and pepper shakers on the table, when a shadow fell over my table, blocking my light. I looked up smiling, expecting to see Mandy, and got a rather large shock at the person standing over me.

I gasped, then jumped up to throw my arms around his neck and hug him fiercely. His arms closed around me tightly, and I clung to him for minutes that felt like hours. I felt the moisture gathering in my eyes at the feeling of warmth and home-coming in his hug. Eventually, I leaned back and smiled mistily into his soft gaze.

"Hi Beautiful," he murmured.

* * *

 _AN: So, surprise! Did you see that coming? Hope it's a nice surprise. ;-)_


	18. Chapter 18

_AN: So Les is visiting, wonder what he wants? Oh, and 200 reviews… WOW!  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

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Chapter 18.

 _Eventually, I leaned back and smiled mistily into his soft gaze.  
"Hi Beautiful," he murmured._

I exclaimed softly, "What are you doing here Lester?! How did you find me?"

He shook his head, "It's a long story, but the short version is…" he gestured across the road to the building opposite. I nodded; I had been more or less expecting this. It was silly to think that Ranger wouldn't take advantage of the opportunity to spy on me somewhere he knew I would be. He asked, "Can we talk here? Will it be OK?"

I thought for a minute. Mandy was a love, but she was pretty nosy, and I could already see her looking at us avidly, clearly dying to know who was this man I had greeted so enthusiastically. I decided it was too risky, so I shook my head, and gathered my things to go up to the counter.

Mandy pounced immediately, "Who's your friend Shell?"

I smiled, "This is Lester, Mandy. Just an old friend who's come to say hi. Can we get two coffees to go please? Two lattes, mine with the usual, Lester's plain. Add it to my bill and I'll pay up."

Mandy was obviously disappointed at the dismissal, but moved to place the order and rang up my check. As I dug through my bag for my wallet, I was firmly moved aside, and Lester raised his eyebrow at my scowl as he paid my check. I just shook my head at him. Mandy served our coffees, and I took Lester's arm as we left the diner, and I guided him towards the park where I had chatted with Ranger, all those weeks ago. It was late April, and the snow had mostly melted, and the trees and grass were greening into spring.

I chose a different seat, not wanting to stir up obvious memories, and we settled to sip our coffees and chat. Lester seemed reluctant to start, now that the time had come for explanations, so I let him sit quietly enjoying my coffee in the crisp morning air. One of the things that has changed about me, I think, is that I am not so restless in my own skin anymore. I can let people sit, without badgering them for conversation. But the equal surprise was Lester. Never before had I really seen him quiet and contemplative, even a little nervous. He was usually almost as bad as me, bubbling over with cheeky conversation, teasing me and flirting with me at every opportunity. I knew I had to accept that he might feel uncomfortable with me, but secretly I mourned that we might have lost the easy, happy friendship we had once had.

Suddenly, he blurted out, "Ranger's drinking. A lot. Mostly tequila." I was pretty shocked. Luckily I had swallowed my sip of coffee. In all the time I had known him, I had never seen Ranger drink more than a couple of glasses of wine or beer.

Lester went on, "At least a couple of times a week I find him at his desk in Atlanta in the middle of the night, passed out drunk while the camera pointed at your diner is up on the screen of his laptop. Obviously the place is shut, but it didn't take a genius to figure out that it's somehow connected to his drinking. The camera is secured to feed only to Ranger's laptop. I don't think the clients of the building would even know it was there, and I know he doesn't have it tied into their account. He's just using it to watch the diner."

He shook his head, "I couldn't figure out why. I mean it was obvious something pretty momentous and devastating happened while he was up in Boston a month ago, but he wouldn't talk about it to anyone, he wouldn't say a word. He just shut down completely. And there didn't seem anything I could find about this diner that seemed to be a reason for anything."

Lester paused to sip his coffee, obviously thinking through how to go on. "We've all been really worried. Tank, Bobby and me I mean. Ranger's _really_ not supposed to drink like that. Because of his health history, you know."

"Actually, I don't," I replied coolly. "Ranger never talked to me about much at all. He sure never shared much of his past history with me. Why is he not supposed to drink? Is he a recovering alcoholic or something?"

"Oh god no. Not at all. No, sorry Steph, I thought you would know. Ranger was at serious risk for type 1 diabetes as a child. I suppose he still is. His mother and one of his sisters are diabetic, and his insulin production has always been a little low. It's called 'impaired glucose tolerance'. He's never been on injections or anything, but that's always been because he followed all the rules. Even when he was being a rebellious little shit as a teenager, he always followed the rules for eating and drinking and exercise. That's the main reason he has always eaten so healthy and doesn't eat sweet shit. He's _always_ been really health conscious because of it."

"Christ!" I exclaimed. "Finally! An explanation for Ranger's eating habits! Why couldn't _he_ tell me that?! He never told me fucking anything, even little shit like that, that anyone could have known. Stuff lots of other people _did_ know." I was really pissed at this reminder of Ranger's secretive behaviour.

Lester just shook his head, "He's _really_ not supposed to drink much, especially binge drinking; it puts him at risk of serious hypoglycaemia. Anyway, we've been worried, but he's been refusing to talk. So eventually Tank and I caved and got Hector to hack into the video feed for the camera. I watched about three weeks' worth of footage and still couldn't see why the diner was so important. Didn't see anyone I recognised. Then one day…" he trailed off.

My spidey sense started to tingle, "One day _what_?"

He sighed, "One day I walked into his office and he's passed out and clutching this worn piece of paper in his hand. I got it off him and saw it was a letter, looked like it had been read about a hundred times, but I saw it was only dated a few weeks ago. So…"

I took a deep breath, mastering my annoyance, "So you read it. Right?" I felt a little violated again, but I could reluctantly understand his concern about Ranger's health.

He said softly, "Yes, Steph, I read it. I'm very sorry, especially since I gather from the letter that he read something of yours that he shouldn't, but we have been _really_ worried. This behaviour from Ranger… it's like an alien possession. We just couldn't understand it. So anyway, after I read the letter, I went back over the footage from the camera, and well, I finally spotted you. That disguise is pretty amazing, I honestly didn't recognise you until I was really looking for you. When I watched a couple of weeks of footage, I realised the days you were at the diner corresponded to the days Ranger drank."

He sighed, "So, I made some arrangements, told Ranger I had to go up to Trenton to deal with an account, and flew up to Trenton. Then I picked up a car from Tank, and here I am. I was worried I would have to stake out the diner for a few days, but I got you on the first day."

"So, everyone knows where I am now?" I enquired icily.

" _No!_ I promise, just me and Tank. Well… Hector may have figured something out, but we didn't tell him, and he's good at keeping secrets. I'm really sorry Steph, I wouldn't have tried to contact you, but we just don't know what else to do. We don't know how to get through to Ranger, and I just hoped that you… could help. Maybe tell me why he's so destroyed by all of this. I mean… your letter obviously spelled it out that he'd done something pretty heinous, and you made it pretty clear he wasn't to contact you. But none of us even knew he had found you, we don't even know why you're here or what happened between you."

I felt frustrated that they were barging back into my life. But I couldn't deny that I was happy to see Les. A thought occurred to me, "What happens when he sees you walk out of the diner with me on the video feed?"

Lester smiled slightly, "We had Hector loop a feed from a few weeks ago into the camera. A day when you didn't come in. Got it covered."

He turned on the park bench and looked me directly in the eyes, "I need your help Steph; _we_ need your help. _Please_ Beautiful. I can't just sit back and watch this destroy my cousin. I have to try and help him."

I felt a bit beleaguered. I still felt that this time _Ranger had done this to himself_. But I also knew I couldn't be that selfish to walk away when he was suffering so much, and putting his health at risk. Despite everything, my feelings for Ranger still ran too deep. I sighed, "What do you want me to do?"

"Can you just start by telling me what happened? How did he find you? And what did he do?"

I walked him through the events a month ago, trying to keep my tone calm and objective. I described how we ran into each other, how we always knew when each other was near so he had tracked me into the café, and what happened when he tried to talk to me. I told Lester how we had gone to dinner from the gym, and I had agreed to take his cell number to possibly contact Ranger. I told him how Ranger was considering working part-time out of Boston to spend time with me, and that he promised to protect my cover identity with Rangeman Boston.

I hesitated to talk about the next part. Eventually I continued, "I have been having therapy. Trying to work through all my issues and why it all went so wrong for me back in Trenton. Why my life was so fucked up, and what had happened with Morelli and Ranger," I said quietly.

Lester looked sympathetic, "It's nothing to be ashamed of Steph," he said. "I've had therapy too, a lot of the guys who were in the military at Rangeman have talked to a counsellor at some point."

I nodded, "I just wish Ranger would," I said a little bitterly. "My therapist has me keep a journal where I write about a lot of things, and do various exercises to help me focus my thinking and work things out. I had my journal in my gym bag, and then left my gym bag in Ranger's car accidentally when he dropped me off. The next morning I had agreed to have breakfast with him, and it became obvious from some of the things he said to me that…"

Lester sighed and shook his head, "He read the fucking journal didn't he? Yeah, that part of your letter makes sense now. The complete, fucking _idiot_!"

I smiled slightly at that, "Basically, yes. I was so angry with him, so humiliated that he had access to every private thought in my head. Particularly since he guards his own life and privacy like he does. It felt like I'd been violated, you know? So I took the bag and tried to run away, and he grabbed me, and I slapped him. He let go, and I ran. He doesn't know where I live, you see, and the place is not in my name, so he couldn't find it. So I don't really know what he did then."

I paused for a minute to gather my thoughts again, "Anyway, the next day, I went to see my therapist, and she said it would help me work through everything I was feeling if I wrote to him. And she posted the letter for me from New York so nobody at Rangeman could track it. So I did. I guess he got the letter, and…"

Les nodded, "Yeah that would have done it." He sat thoughtfully for a couple of minutes. "He really loves you, you know? I mean, Tank, Bobby and me we always knew that; that he loves you. But we also knew he never told you properly. Not because he talked to us about it. It was just obvious from the way you two fell apart in Trenton, and the way he dealt with the whole Morelli thing that you two never figured all your shit out. In Atlanta, he has been working like a robot. He has no social life, not that that's such a big change, but even less than before. Just work, work, work for nine months. Then he goes up to Boston, and _bam_! Broken Ranger. Even more broken Ranger, if you get what I mean."

I stiffened at that, it sounded almost accusatory. "I'm not blaming you Steph!" he exclaimed in alarm. "What he did… well it was totally fucked-up. And nobody would blame you for how you reacted. It was completely his fuck-up. I just wanted you to know that he didn't do any of this intentionally to hurt you. Because he _does_ love you. He's just got a messed-up way of showing it! And zero social skills."

I nodded. "So what now?" I asked.

He shook his head, "I don't know. I have to try and figure out a way for him to get his head out of his ass and deal with it. Maybe get him to go to a therapist himself, but I have no idea how to accomplish that! He's always refused in the past, saying he's fine. The army offers counselling you know, for PTSD and shit like that, but Ranger always did the bare minimum to just get cleared for the next mission. Too screwed up to open up even to a counsellor. If he doesn't want to go, he's gonna be like the immovable object. Steph, can I ask…" he hesitated.

"What?"

"Well, do you forgive him? I mean _can_ you forgive him?"

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 _AN: Always loving your reviews, every one brings a smile. :-)_


	19. Chapter 19

_AN: Still love to see those numbers tick over as more people review and I avidly read your comments and feedback, so please keep feeding my muse. She's a hungry beeyatch! ;)  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

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Chapter 19.

" _Well, do you forgive him? I mean can you forgive him?"_

I was silent for several minutes. But, like me, Lester seemed ready to wait me out. Finally, I answered, "I'm not sure if I can forgive him. I know my therapist would like me to, but… I don't know. It feels too much like giving him a free pass, you know? Like saying, 'It's OK you betrayed me, because that's just who you are.' It's _not_ OK. Just like what I did to him in Trenton was not OK. Neither is this. I _apologised_ for Trenton, and it took a lot of hard work to get to that point. Just saying to him 'I forgive you', well… just seems like it gives him permission to do whatever he wants in future."

Lester looked at me for a moment, his expression unfathomable. Eventually he said, "Steph, obviously I don't know all the details about what happened between you in Trenton. But obviously, since he tucked tail and ran to Atlanta, and you did the same here, you two had a pretty major falling-out. And I gather from your letter to him that you consider yourself at least significantly responsible?" I nodded.

"Steph, he looked for you for _months_ after you disappeared. He refused to give up. He came to you here, and told you he wanted to try again, to try and make a relationship with you work. Doesn't that sound like he forgave you for whatever shit happened in Trenton?"

I hadn't considered that before. The more I thought about it, I realised we wouldn't have been talking about possibly dating, if we _both_ hadn't forgiven each other somewhat. But still… "But that was _before_ I found out _why_ he had forgiven me – he forgave me, asked for a relationship, _after_ he read my journal!"

Les sighed, "Beautiful, he wouldn't have ever read the journal if he hadn't wanted something more with you again. I know it was wrong, but my take would be that he read the journal looking for a way to get through to you, a way to get back into your life. Like I said, _wrong_. But he was already prepared to forgive you, or he wouldn't have been looking for the way in."

I puzzled that one out for a minute or two, "Maybe. What's your point here, though?"

"You say that forgiving him is giving in, giving him permission to do what he wants. I call bullshit. He forgave you for Trenton, but _you_ didn't think that would give you permission to do the same thing to him in future, did you? Forgiveness is mostly for the person forgiving anyway. It's about letting go of the bitterness and moving on with your life. If you forgave him, it wouldn't mean he could do whatever he liked. It _might_ mean not obsessing so much over what he had done, if we're lucky."

It was obvious that Lester had also had therapy in the past. I recognised some of the things he was saying from Janice. I was still struggling though, "But he _is still_ doing whatever he feels like Lester. He's got a bloody camera pointed at where I eat breakfast, for Christ's sake!"

Lester shook his head, "Beautiful, Stephanie, there are some things about him you will _never_ get him to change. That's not about forgiveness, that's about acceptance of someone else's faults and failings. He's _always_ going to be obsessive about security and monitoring. If you ever got back into a serious relationship with him, you'd just have to accept that as part of him. Plus he no doubt felt like this was the only link he had left to you, his only chance to ever see you again. Maybe it was intrusive, but people have done stupider things for love."

I looked at the ground, trying to understand what he was saying, trying to find a way to accept it.

He went on, "Steph if you could just _try_ and forgive him? Maybe call him, or write to him again? I'm not saying you have to welcome him back with open arms and an open invitation to do whatever he wants. But just tell him you've worked through your anger and your hurt and moved on. That you accept that he's human and makes mistakes. Then maybe we can convince him that the only way back to you is if _he_ takes some responsibility for dealing with his issues. He has to get his own therapy or something. Some way to make you believe he's willing to change?

"I… I'll think about it." He looked at me. "I promise, I'll think about it. Really seriously."

He smiled, "Now! What's a guy gotta do to buy a beautiful woman some lunch in this town?"

I grinned back at him, "Oh just use his legendary charm to ask!"

He stood and offered me a hand. As I rose he tucked my hand into his arm, and led me to his car. He seated me, and told me, "I'm going to drive across town. I know this amazing Cuban restaurant over in Jamaica Plain. We could stop off at Rangeman and you could see Rangeman Boston?"

I shook my head at him, "Lester, I'm disguised, remember. You're not even meant to be calling me Stephanie. Can you call me Shell?"

"Well… I'll try. I can just call you Beautiful, like I always do?" He grinned at me.

I rolled my eyes, "Whatever works. But no Rangeman. Ranger might see us there on monitors or something."

He nodded, "True, I hadn't thought of that. OK, what if we went for a drive somewhere? Anywhere you'd recommend?"

I smirked, "Lester, head to Salem. I'm going to introduce you to the best cupcakes you've ever eaten. Then we can find a restaurant in Salem or Marblehead. And I can check in and let my boss what's going on."

"Best cupcakes I've ever eaten, huh? Challenge accepted!" He grinned. "Your boss?"

"Yup. Diesel."

"Oh boy! The legend meets the legend!"

I shook my head in disbelief. We chatted about other things as we drove towards Salem. Les caught me up on the happenings at Rangeman. Bobby had become engaged to the lovely woman that he had been dating for a couple of years. I had met her before I left Trenton and I was thrilled for him. Tank was apparently dating a gorgeous woman of Korean descent that he met at the vet clinic when one of his cats had an emergency. She was a veterinary nurse, and Les and I laughed at the thought of Tank dating a woman who was barely five foot four.

To many Rangemen's surprise Cal had started openly dating a man he had met at a club. Cal had never overtly come out as gay before at Rangeman, but I was not as surprised as I might have been. He also had never really dated any women in the time I had known him. I was pleased that some of the men who had supported me and become my friends were finding love. They deserved it.

Les also caught me up with some of my grandma's shenanigans, which were still widely known at Rangeman. Apparently she had taken my advice to keep kicking ass to heart, and she had even been arrested for indecent exposure when she had flashed a man at bingo to distract him, so she could win. I cringed at the thought of that, and I could only imagine my mother's reaction.

When we got to Salem, I directed Les to Dazzle's Bakery. I wasn't sure if Lizzy would still be there as it was nearly noon, sometimes she finished early. But I knew we could still get some of her amazing cupcakes. Then I would try and track down Diesel at his house, or at Lizzy's. I grinned at Glo as we entered the bakery, and she greeted me enthusiastically. She called to Lizzy and Clara, who also came out to say hi. Lizzy gave me a hug, and was about to tell me about her new cupcake flavour when all three women seemed to notice Lester. Identical expressions of lust-filled awe crossed their faces – let's face it, Lester could do that to just about any woman.

Lizzy recovered first, and nudged me with her elbow discretely. I remembered my Burg manners, and introduced Lester to them. I just said he was an old friend who'd dropped by to say hello, and I couldn't resist introducing him to the best cupcakes in the country. Lizzy blushed slightly, but shot me an odd look. I didn't think Diesel had told Lizzy my whole story, but I was fairly sure she suspected that I had a back-story that differed from the one she had been told. Plus she knew that I knew Carl from before – he had greeted me enthusiastically the first time we had met back up. He had given me the finger, then smiled a monkey grin at me.

Clara recovered from her initial shock at meeting Lester, and went back to finish boxing a large order of cookies for a corporate function. Glo fawned over Lester, and he basked in her attention as she described the cupcakes and baked goodies available. It was obvious she was willing to offer Lester more than those goodies!

Meanwhile, I checked with Lizzy if she had plans to meet up with Diesel. It turned out he was coming by her house at 1.30 to go over the latest batch of research I had sent down to them about the _Ira_ stone. I decided to give Diesel a call and see if he wanted to meet up and chat for lunch before his 1.30 appointment. So I stepped outside to make the call, leaving Lester to chat to the bedazzled Glo.

As I listened to Diesel's cell phone ring, I caught a flash out of the corner of my eye. I looked over to see a man wearing medieval armour. I was gobsmacked. A moment later, I recognised him from pictures I had seen, as Steven Hatchet, the other Unmentionable with Lizzy's talent who was working with Wulf. A wave of dread and nausea swept through me, as I tried to look around discretely but frantically to see if Wulf was there, but I couldn't see him. I hoped it was just Hatchet.

Diesel answered his phone and I took a deep breath before I quietly explained about Lester's visit and our trip to Salem. I suggested lunch and Diesel agreed. I then mentioned Hatchet, and Diesel suggested I quietly collect Lester and head to Marblehead, as quickly as I could without drawing attention. We made arrangements to meet at a restaurant in Marblehead. I walked back into the bakery, without looking over at Hatchet again, and told Les we needed to head out to meet up for lunch. Glo had boxed up a selection of cupcakes for us, and gave us each an extra one on the house. I called out a quiet farewell to Lizzy and Clara, and we left to go and meet Diesel.

Lester meeting Diesel was an interesting experience. In many ways, the two were similar, both cheeky, outgoing and flirtatious. But the fact that both were protective of me, and had differing opinions about Ranger made their initial reactions a little cool. I explained to Diesel about the reason for Lester's visit and how he had found me. Diesel's expression became concerned at the extent of Ranger's self-induced suffering. He looked thoughtful for a few minutes as he finished his lunch.

Finally he spoke, "So what are you going to do Shell? Are you going to go and see him?"

I must have looked pretty alarmed at that, because both men reached for my hands at the same time. I shook my head, "No, I'm nowhere near ready to do that. I thought maybe I could write him another letter, or possibly call him if I can work up the nerve. Lester… well, Lester wants me to forgive him," I finished in an almost-whisper.

Diesel nodded sympathetically, "I know you said J… your therapist has told you that too Shell. Do you think you can?"

I shrugged, "I'm not sure what forgiving him even means anymore," I said frustrated. "Is forgiveness the same as trust? Because I don't think I can trust him yet."

Lester reached again to take my hand, "I can understand that Ste…Shell. I don't think they are the same thing. Like I said to you before, I really think forgiving him is more for you. I just want him to see that you can let go of the past and accept his mistakes, the same way you said you have accepted your own. Maybe if you do that he might relax a bit. And maybe I can use it as ammunition to get him to talk to someone so _he_ can accept his own mistakes."

Diesel and I both nodded thoughtfully. Finally I sighed, "OK. I'll write to him. Again. I don't want to call him yet, because I get too flustered and emotional talking to him. Writing to him is easier, because I can think it out and say what I want to say more easily." Lester smiled at me.

Diesel suggested, "Why don't you write your letter tonight, and give it to Lester to take back with him? You're both going to have to come clean about Lester tracking you down for this to be effective, though. Otherwise Ranger may not even read the letter. If he thinks it's another blast from you, Shell, he may just throw it away or leave it unopened. Lester's going to have to explain to him who it's from and why he needs to read it."

Lester looked sick at that, "Oh _shit_!" he exclaimed. "That is going to be one _painful_ session on the mats when he knows what I did. And he won't be able to take Tank or Hector to the mats, because they're in Trenton. So he's going to take it all out on _me_!"

I chuckled at that. We finished up with lunch and headed out. Diesel left to go and meet Lizzy, and Lester and I did a little sightseeing around Marblehead, before heading back to Medford. I got him to drop me back at the park where we had sat that morning, and I pointed out the café where I had had breakfast with Ranger. We agreed to meet up at 8.30 the next morning, when I would give him my letter for Ranger.

I sighed as I walked back to my apartment to do a couple of hours work before I headed off the gym to work off all the calories I had consumed today. I had only managed to grab one cupcake out of the box before Lester had snatched it back saying they were _his_ cupcakes, and looking at me with puppy dog eyes. I realised I had converted Lester to Lizzy's unmentionable cupcakes, and I wondered if he'd share them with any of the guys at Rangeman. If so, there could be a few trips to Salem by the Rangemen for supplies!

An hour and a half on the bike, and I headed home for a shower. I fixed myself a microwave dinner from a range I had found and liked, and then cleaned up the kitchen. Then I checked Rex had fresh water and plenty of food, and I slipped him a couple of grapes.

I realised I was procrastinating, but I really was not looking forward to writing this letter. Finally, I sat down at my desk, and reached for some paper to begin.

 _Dear Ranger…_

* * *

 _AN: So, do you think the second letter will work? Will it help Ranger out of his funk? Will Lester survive the session on the mats? :-)_


	20. Chapter 20

_AN: OK, now I'm writing two stories at once! I must be some kind of glutton for punishment! But my muse seems to think it's doable, as long as I get lots and lots of lovely reviews for encouragement and inspiration… ;-D  
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well._

* * *

Chapter 20.

 _Dear Ranger,_

 _I struggled to write to you last time, but I'm finding this letter so much harder to write. First up, please,_ _please_ _don't beat up Lester on the mats for what he did. He is extremely concerned about you. Ranger, you are hurting yourself, and he cares about you. So do Tank and Bobby and Hector. Nobody wants you to keep punishing and hurting yourself. So please don't take it out on Lester, or yourself. Above all other things,_ _please_ _stop drinking._

 _Ranger, everyone keeps telling me that I should forgive you for reading my journal. But what does that mean? I've never understood the concept of forgiveness all that well, despite being brought up Catholic. Take 'forgive and forget' for example – how do you_ _forget_ _that someone has hurt you? Unless you're Harry Potter with an 'obliviate' spell, I don't see how you forget. So does forgiving mean forgetting that someone hurt you?_

 _I also struggle with the idea that 'forgiving' you means that you think what you did was OK. It was not OK at all. It was an extreme invasion of my privacy. And forgiving you can't mean I trust you again completely with my privacy. I don't think I can do that, unless you somehow earn my trust again. Don't get me wrong, I would always trust you with my life, my safety. But you have damaged my trust in you for my privacy._

 _Lester suggested that forgiving you means accepting that you're only human, and that you make mistakes. If that's forgiveness, then yes, I can do that. I know that you are only human Ranger. I accept you make mistakes like everyone else. God knows,_ _I_ _make so many mistakes. I can certainly accept that you do as well. I only hope that_ _you_ _can accept that you make mistakes. If that is forgiving you, then I guess that I can forgive you Ranger._

 _Lester also says that forgiving you will be better for me, it will help me because I will let go of the bitterness and move on. Maybe that's true, and maybe I can do that, but right now, I want to help_ _you_ _. I wish you would get some counselling Ranger. I really do, I think it would help you so much. But I'm not going to delude myself that you will want to do that, because I know how hard it is for you to ever open up._

 _So, I've thought long and hard about what you_ _can_ _do for my forgiveness and that is what I am writing to you here. I'm not making any promises for the future, but if a future with me is really what you still want, then this is what I want from you. I'm sorry for the list here, but that's how I have been working through my own problems, so I guess it is just the way I think. So here goes…_

 _Step 1. STOP DRINKING!_ _Please_ _Ranger, I'm begging you. You're hurting yourself. Lester says you are drinking on days when I eat at the café. What would make you stop? If I stopped going there? If that's what it takes, I'm prepared to give up the French toast. Whatever it takes, but please Ranger_ _no more tequila_ _. Next time you want to drink, go down and go for a run, or spar, or lift weights – but please don't hurt yourself or others there._

 _Step 2. And this is the big one for me Ranger – I want you to write me back. Write me a letter, and send it to my therapist in Manhattan. Her name is Janice Schultz, I have included her address below. I want you to tell me four things  
\- Are you sorry for reading my journal? If so, why?  
\- Do you forgive me for all that happened in Trenton? What does forgiving __me_ _mean to you?  
\- Apart from sex, what was the best thing about our time together in Hawaii? How did it make you feel?  
\- Why did you always hide from me, and refuse to tell me all the little things that anyone could have known about you? Like why you always eat healthy because of your risk of diabetes. Or what's your favourite food? Or what is your best memory from your childhood? What is your worst? Or even, why I never met any of your family, other than Lester and Julie? It always hurt me that you shut me out of every aspect of your life, and then used your 'top secret' excuse. I'd never ask you to share anything classified. But most of your life is not._

 _Step 3. Wow. Writing this to you has made me realise how much I still miss you. No matter how hard I have tried to build a new life away from you, I still think of you as one of the best friends I have ever had. So, if you can do those two steps Ranger, and if you still want a relationship with me, then I want you to meet me in Boston on the 15_ _th_ _June. I will meet you at the park where we sat, and we can talk again - seriously - about whether we have a future. But only if that's what you want. If you don't write to me, or won't come, I will accept that, though I will be sad._

 _Ranger, even if you don't come to Boston on the 15_ _th_ _, or even if you don't write to me, please stop drinking. And please, let me know you are OK._

 _Love, Stephanie._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

It took me four drafts and three hours, but finally I had a letter that I think expressed what I needed to say. Writing the letter made me ache for what we could have had already if Ranger hadn't just read the damn journal. But would he have even said those things to me that morning if he _hadn't_ read the journal? Just trying to think it out made my head ache. I agonised over the _'Love Stephanie'_ for almost twenty minutes, but in the end I decided it was what I felt. Even if it was only ever love for a friend and a relationship I lost, it was still love. So I signed it.

I felt completely exhausted when I finished writing, and I dragged myself in for a quick shower and to brush my teeth before falling into bed. I fell asleep instantly, and woke at seven the next morning feeling relieved and refreshed. I made coffee and re-read my letter as I sipped it slowly. Eventually, I got ready to go out, and I was at the café at 8.20, arriving before Lester. I ordered us both coffee, and I ordered two spinach muffins – OK so it tastes really good. I hoped Lester wouldn't gloat like Ranger would have. Lester arrived at 8.25 and raised his eyebrow at me sitting with two cups of steaming coffee and two muffins waiting for him. I grinned at him and he joined me at the table, shaking his head.

We ate quietly, and then I got the letter out of my bag and handed it to Lester.

"You sealed it," he commented. "I guess I can't read it then?" He faked a hurt look. I just raised my brow at him. "Seriously Shell, thanks for doing this. I really hope it helps."

"So do I. Les…" He looked at me inquiringly. "I really need to know he's OK. I know we've put each other through a lot of shit, but I still really care about him. Ranger said he could get a secure cell phone, can you do that too?" He nodded. I pulled out a card on which I had written my own cell number. "I'm _trusting_ you with this Lester Santos. It's my secure cell number. You need to understand, there are good reasons for protecting my identity in this job, and I haven't got permission to share this with you. You have to keep this just between us. No sharing it with Ranger, or _anyone_ else. Promise me."

"Of course Beautiful," he said seriously. "I promise. And I'll let you know what happens."

"I'm not looking to invade his privacy either. In the letter, I have asked him to write to me via my therapist. But if he doesn't, or if he won't even read the letter, I'd just like to know he is OK. I also asked him to stop drinking. If he won't do that either, please call me. I think… well, I think I could maybe come to Atlanta if I need to try and get through to him in person. I think I could do that now. I just know I need him to be OK…" I trailed off.

Lester reached over and squeezed my hand. "We'll get through to him somehow, I promise. If this doesn't work, I'll get Tank and Bobby to come to Atlanta, and we'll bring you down and kidnap him to a safe house or something. That way we can keep your identity away from Rangeman, and do an intervention or something. One way or another, we'll get through to him." I nodded.

After we finished our coffees, we went outside to his waiting black SUV. Despite myself, tears welled in my eyes as I thought of saying goodbye to Lester. It had been overwhelming to spend time with him again, and it felt like I had regained a tiny piece of my past. I was so thankful he had tracked me down. I hugged him tightly, and he returned the hug just as fiercely.

"Take care of yourself, Beautiful," he whispered. I kissed his cheek, and watched him climb into his car and drive off. I wiped a stray tear as I headed back to my apartment to start work for the day.

I hoped he could get Ranger to read my letter. I hoped Ranger would listen and write to me. I really wanted to see him again in three weeks. But hope was all I had.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Hello?_

 _Hi Beautiful._

 _Les! How are you? Are you back in Atlanta?_

 _Yeah I'm back. This is my secure phone. You want to write the number down?_

 _Sure… OK got it. What's happened Les?_

 _Well, I arrived back four days ago and found him in… you know…_ _that_ _state._

 _Oh no. Not again! But I didn't go to the café. On purpose. I thought I would wait until he'd got my letter before I went back. I didn't want to make things worse._

 _Beautiful, it's probably just as bad for him to_ _not_ _see you as to see you. I doubt one is better than the other at this point._

 _So what happened?_

 _I waited until the next morning, then I cornered him in his penthouse, before he could come down to work. Figured he'd be better in a place he felt comfortable. He was pretty hungover, but he was trying to hide it. Just being his usual, surly self. I gave him your letter and told him he had to read it, but didn't tell him what it was at first. Made him coffee and eggs while he read the letter. I could see he was pretty pissed, but I knew it would only get worse if I didn't come clean, so I told him the whole story._

 _What did he say?_

 _He didn't say anything. It was creepy. I'm not sure whether it was what you said in your letter, or what I told him about tracking you down, or maybe both, but he shut down completely. He just threw me out of the apartment, literally threw me out the door, then stayed locked in there for two days. Didn't come out, wouldn't let anyone in. Then two days later, he's back at his desk like nothing happened. Didn't even call me to the mats. I dunno… Feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?_

 _Is he… Has he… been drinking more?_

 _I don't think so. I mean, if he was, I guess he'd probably hide it much better now, but somehow I don't think he is. He just seems… quiet. Like he's waiting. Maybe thinking about things. At least I hope so._

 _Me too. Oh, Les. Keep an eye on him, any way you can. Please._

 _Of course, Beautiful. I promise. And I'll stay in touch. You can call me too, you know. I'd like to stay in touch with you as my friend too._

 _I'd like that too Les. I guess we can if we use the secure phones, it should be OK._

 _OK. Take care then, gorgeous._

 _You too. Bye._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Four days after my phone call with Lester, I got a video-chat call from Janice. I didn't have a session scheduled, so my heart leapt into my throat at the possibility of what it might mean. My finger shook slightly, as I clicked on the icon to open the chat session.

"Hi Steph," Janice greeted me.

"Hi Janice," I replied cautiously. "What occasions the call?"

She smiled at me, "I think you know. I received a letter this morning. From Atlanta." I couldn't breathe. "What do you want to do Steph?"

"C…can you special courier it to me? Please? I'll pay the costs."

"Of course, Steph. I know how important it is to you. I'll make sure they get it to you either tonight or first thing tomorrow, OK? And Steph? When you get it, when you read it, you can call me. Anytime, day or night, OK? I'll be there if you need me."

Tears pricked my eyes, "Thank you Janice. I really appreciate it."

"Take care then Steph. I'll talk to you really soon."

We signed off. The rest of the day was a complete write-off for me. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, I couldn't watch TV, I couldn't even sit still. I wanted to go to the gym for a Zumba class, but I was too worried about missing the courier to leave the apartment. I tried to give myself a manicure, but I just couldn't concentrate, so I gave it up as a bad job. In the end, I resorted to pacing between the rooms, counting steps until I knew the distances in my steps between every point in my small apartment.

Finally, just after 6.30pm, my doorbell rang. I checked the peephole and saw the courier uniform. I grabbed my wallet from my bag, opened the door and tipped the courier as he handed me the envelope.

Everything about me was shaking as I stumbled back to my sofa with the letter. My hands were shaking so badly it took me several tries to open the envelope. I tried to take calming breaths, but it was futile, and I had to concentrate to focus my vision at the pages in front of me.

 _Dear Stephanie…_

* * *

 _AN: He wrote to her! What will he say? Ooohh the suspense! :)_


	21. Chapter 21

_AN: I hope everyone enjoys Ranger's letter. I am LOVING all your reviews, warm glowing hugs in each one. :D_

 _OK, so most of the stuff in this chapter I made up. I took a couple of things from canon, and there may be one or two things I read in other fanfiction, but I tried not to copy anything too much from other authors. If you think I did and you think I should have credited them, I apologise in advance – it was not on purpose.  
_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

* * *

Chapter 21.

 _Dear Stephanie,_

 _I've never been much of a writer, Babe. In fact, I think this is probably the first non-work letter I've ever written. I wasn't one of those guys in the Army who had a sweetheart to write home to. And I never wrote to my parents – more on that later. So I may not be very good at it. Sorry, if that's so. Guess it can't be any harder than talking, but you know how bad I am at that too._

 _When Santos told me what he'd done, I was really pissed. Hacking the video, reading your letter – well I was pissed beyond words. I'm going to really try to be honest here, so I was really ashamed and embarrassed at my behaviour too – I was acting like a fucking idiot and so that made me even more pissed. When he felt like he had to track you down and get your help – well it was pretty humiliating that Santos had to call me on my stupidity when I've always prided myself on being the one in control._

 _If I hadn't read your letter first, I would have beat the crap out of him, I admit. And I barely restrained myself then, but I'm glad I didn't because I needed the wake-up call. I felt so like he shouldn't have been in my business, shouldn't have been running to you and tattling like a kid to mommy. But you said in your letter how you were both worried about me, so I decided to try and calm down first, before I called him to the mats._

 _Yes, Babe, the irony of it is NOT lost on me. Feeling like he shouldn't be in my business, when the whole point was I was in_ _your_ _business way more than I had any right to be._

 _I spent 2 days locked in my apartment. The first day I spent sulking like a fucking 6 year-old – see being completely honest here – but by the second day, I realised how much of a hypocrite I was being and I began to really think about everything. I re-read your letter a few times and I started to think about how to answer you. Just knowing that you had reached out to me again, that you cared enough to do that, despite me fucking everything up so bad, well, that was what got through to me. And I don't want to let you down again, so I'm really trying here, Steph. I hope you know that._

 _OK. Starting off here to answer all your questions._

 _1\. I haven't had a drink since Lester gave me your letter, Steph. I promise. And I won't Babe. No more. Yesterday, I told Santos to come up to the apartment and he went through and checked it for booze. Found none. I told him he could come up every week until he felt sure I could be trusted not to drink anymore. If you have a way to contact him (he wouldn't tell me) then you can ask him._

 _2\. Of course, I'm really sorry for reading your journal. It was a crappy thing to do. I'm not going to tell you I had good reasons – I know no reason would be good enough for you, but I want you to try to understand why I did it. Basically, I'm crap at communicating about anything personal Babe – yeah, I know big shock huh? When I had dinner with you that night, I felt like we were really getting somewhere, like we were starting to sort out our crap. You told me you loved me, do you realise you'd never said that to me before? I sort of felt like we were going to make it, that we had a real shot. Then all of a sudden, it fell apart and I didn't even know if you would show up for breakfast the next day._

 _I saw the bag when I got back to Rangeman and I opened it because I thought maybe there would be something in there that you'd want enough to meet me. When I found the book, I thought yes – she's going to come to breakfast, because she's gonna want this. I was only going to enough to see exactly what it was, but then I was just fascinated. It was everything about you and everything I wanted to know. I could hear the voice at the back of my head telling me what a major mistake it was to keep reading, but I ignored it._

 _Then I read the bits about what you were going to say to me if you saw me. I recognised some of the questions you asked me at dinner, and I read your other bits, the apologies, the other questions, the ideas. Honestly, I barely read anything after that in the journal. That was just everything to me. Even knowing how angry you are (and that you have every right to be), if I thought you wouldn't run away from me, I'd probably read that bit again if I could. It was like opening a window into your mind and giving me what I needed to get you back. And you said you loved me again, lots of times in that journal._

 _Like I said, I'm no good at talking, at communicating. It doesn't come naturally to me, and I hadn't heard most of that stuff you said in your journal from you. I know I should have waited, talked to you and learned that stuff by talking to you. Asking questions and telling you my shit. But it was like a shortcut, reading all that. And I took it. I know it was wrong, Steph. Really it was a huge mistake, and I'm sorry._

 _3\. Forgiving you. Well Babe, like I said to you at dinner, I know what went on in Trenton was as much my fault and Morelli's fault as yours. So yes, I definitely forgive you for everything. We all screwed up, we all ran away, and we all paid the price. Nothing left to forgive Babe._

 _You asked me what does forgiving mean. I wish I could tell you Babe, I wish I knew. But I'm probably the last person to ask. Let's face it my life in the Army has never been about forgiving – it has been about retribution, fighting back, even attacking first – and I've probably carried it over too much in the rest of my life. If it hadn't been for your letter, I would have half-killed Santos. So maybe_ _you_ _taught_ _me_ _the lesson about forgiveness with your journal and your letters. I haven't called Santos to the mats and I don't intend to._

 _Maybe forgiveness is putting yourself in the other person's shoes and seeing the mistakes they made. Like you said, accepting that people make mistakes and nobody's perfect. And maybe it's deciding that moving on is more important than feeling crap about stuff. That might be what Lester was talking about the letting go stuff._

 _4\. Hawaii. Babe, like we said at dinner, in Hawaii we were both living the dream. I wish it hadn't ended like it did. Sometimes I wish it hadn't ended at all. Like we could still be there, living every day like that. I don't know if I can say any more than that. Just being there with you every day away from all the other crap in both our lives – that was the best bit. Although the sex was fucking amazing too. Sorry, couldn't resist._

 _5\. OK, the hiding thing. Babe, it's not on purpose. Shit, that's a cop-out. It's not like it's an accident. They probably would call it learned behaviour, I guess. I've never been that good at talking about myself. From the time I was getting into trouble as a teen, I was hiding shit from everyone. Then I was sent away to Miami – away from my parents, my brothers and sisters – and it fucking hurt Steph. As an adult, I can see why they did it, but at the time it just hurt. So I learned to shut down, don't let anyone see, and it became second nature. Then the Army, the Rangers, all the top-secret missions – it just reinforced everything I'd learned to shut down, hide my thoughts, put on what you call my blank face, avoid answering questions, pretend I didn't feel anything._

 _Doesn't do anything for a personal relationship, I get that. But learned behaviour for 20 years is pretty hard to get past. And yeah – I also get that we_ _had_ _a relationship in Trenton. Whatever it was – friends, lovers, whatever – I should have told you that too. When I told you I love you in my own way – maybe what I should have said was I love you the only way I know how, but I don't really know how to show it or tell you._

 _So here's a bonus (you can probably tell I am going by your letter to answer your questions) – everything you wanted to know about Carlos Manoso – by the way, I go by Carlos, because I'm named after my dad, and he's Ricardo. Even as a little kid, I refused to be 'Ricky', so we compromised on Carlos. My sisters still call me Ricky when they want to piss me off._

 _\- Well you know about the healthy food and limited alcohol from Santos I gather. Mostly I do really well, and I find that when you don't eat sugar for a long time, sweet things taste really, really sweet – it's like the taste is magnified. And so I don't really like sweet shit all that much anymore anyway._

 _\- Favourite food – well I grew up eating Cuban food, so spicy stuff like chicken and rice, or paella, or lots of other Cuban dishes. In terms of_ _your_ _favourites (junk food in other words), probably pizza, but I try not to indulge too often._

 _\- Best memory – we didn't have much money as kids, and we almost never went on holiday. But one time when I was eleven, we flew down to Miami to stay with my grandma. First time I'd ever been on a plane. And it was so hot (summer holidays) and we went to the beach almost every day and swam and played. It was the only holiday I can remember where I didn't fight with at least one of my sisters every day. They are all older than me, so they were all focussed on swimming and sunbathing, and I just got to enjoy myself doing whatever I wanted._

 _\- Worst memory – well, I've pretty much already told you that. Being sent away from my family at fifteen. I can look back now and see why, but at the time it was just crap, and I don't think I've ever been really close to my family ever since. I resented them all through high school, felt like they didn't want me. Which was crap of course, they wanted me alive, not shot dead in some gang shit. They did their best and tried to straighten me out the only way they knew how._

 _\- Meeting my family. I guess this relates to a lot of what I told you already. I grew away from my family when I went to Miami, and I've never really grown back close to them. Plus, all that learning to shut down and hide my thoughts and feelings – well that pretty much carried over to all parts of my life. What I guess I'm saying is that I wasn't hiding my family from_ _you_ _, Babe, I was just compartmentalising everything in my life._

 _So my family – my parents are Ricardo Carlos and Mariella Louisa. I have four sisters, Celia (I have mentioned her to you) is the oldest, then Aleesha, Isabel and Seleste – then me. They are all married now with lots of kids. I won't bother with all the nieces and nephews names. My grandma Rosa Manoso still lives with my parents in Newark. My grandma Bella Santos – who I lived with in Miami – died about four years ago. I also have a crap-load of cousins and aunts and uncles on both sides. My mom was Mariella Santos before she married dad, so she is Lester's aunt. Les and I were close growing up, since I didn't have any brothers, he was like my big brother (one year older). But when I moved away to Miami we lost touch a bit – it really wasn't until I joined the Army and he did too that we grew close again. Then we went into the Rangers together with Tank and Bobby and they became more like my family than my real family, if that makes sense._

 _The only other person I really consider family is Julie, I guess, but you know that relationship has always been pretty distant. I wanted to tell you that since I moved to Atlanta, I have seen her a couple times – whenever Rachel and Ron will let me – and they agreed to let her Skype with me every few weeks. It has been pretty awkward – I have no idea what to say to a twelve year old girl – but I'm glad I am getting to know her a bit._

 _Someday I'll introduce you to the rest of my family Babe, if you really want to. But I never excluded you because I was trying to keep you away from my family. Basically, I keep myself away from them._

 _6\. OK, last but not least. The 15th meeting in Boston. Babe_ _I would move the earth to be there_ _. Thank you for the chance. I can't wait to see you again, and I hope by then you can forgive me a bit. Before then, can you please think about how I can try and start earning your trust again? I really want to. If you can help me understand how, I'll do anything to try._

 _Wow, Babe. This writing thing is not as bad as I thought it would be. I can see why you do it. I don't know if I could ever have said half this stuff to your face, but somehow it's easier to write it down. Maybe we can think of a way to keep writing, if there's an easier way than via your therapist in NY? We can ask each other questions and I can tell you more about me. Think about it anyway, and tell me when I see you on the 15th. It's going to be all I can think about – seeing you – until then._

 _Love Carlos._

* * *

 _AN: Awww, he wuvs her. But we all knew that right? ;-) How do you reckon she will react?_


	22. Chapter 22

_AN: Hi everyone. Sorry for the delay in posting. Life keeps happening. :-/ I hope to get a fair bit of writing done this weekend so I hope I can get back on track. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter, I loved hearing your reactions to Ranger's letter. :-)_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

* * *

Chapter 22.

It was the 14th June, and I was a wreck. _Noon, only noon_. This had seemed like a good idea at the time. Get Ranger to come to Boston, spend time together, see if I could forgive him, see if we had a future together. But the closer it got to crunch time, the more of a wreck I became.

 _What if it didn't work out? What if he couldn't ever open up and let me into his life properly? One letter didn't mean he could change a lifetime of habits – what if he couldn't ever talk to me in person like he did in his letter?_

 _Did I forgive him? Did I want to take a chance on trying a relationship with him again? Would I survive the pain this time if it all fell apart again?_

 _What if he DID open up and talk to me? Did that mean he wanted a real relationship with me? What would that look like? Sex once a month when he could make it to Boston? Would he want me to travel to Atlanta?_

 _Would he ask me to go back to Trenton? I_ _couldn't_ _go back to Trenton. No matter what, I couldn't do that anymore. But what if he asked me to? Would a relationship with Ranger be worth that?_

 _What was he expecting from this visit? What did he want from me? What should I offer him? Would he be looking to have sex with me now? Mmmmm Ranger-induced orgasms… NO! Don't go there! It's WAY too soon for that! NO SEX._

 _Was he willing to see a therapist? Was he willing to work on a_ _real_ _relationship? Could we build something real together – could this be our 'someday'? Should I even talk about something long-term or was it too soon to even contemplate?_

The thoughts and worries swirled through my mind in an endless whirlpool of doubt, hope and dread. My mood swung between excited and fearful, determined and dreading.

 _Only 1.30pm_.

 _Should I call him? Was he still in Atlanta? Would he already be in Boston? Maybe I should have called him weeks ago, when I got the letter? Should I have written back? Would he still come? What if something happened to him? What if he was called up again by the Army? What if he was in the wind? No, Lester would have called me. Lester would call me if he wasn't coming._

 _How would I greet him? Should I hug him? Kiss him? How would he greet me? Would he kiss me? Mmmmm Ranger kisses…_

 _2pm._

The afternoon was crawling past and I didn't know how I was going to make it through until tomorrow. I paced my small apartment for hours. Once again, I couldn't work. I couldn't settle to watch TV or a movie. I couldn't draw or sketch. I couldn't even eat. Finally I gave up and went in to change into gym gear. I would walk to the gym and ride the bike until my Zumba class started at 4.30. Maybe I would look for another class after that. Something, _anything_ to keep me busy and distracted.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Flashback…_

… _Love Carlos._

I had read Ranger's letter at least three times before it really started to sink in. _He had written back. He had written to me._

Then I realised that the wetness on my neck and chin came from the tears that had streamed from my eyes in an endless waterfall. _He forgave me. He had opened up and told me things about himself. He was COMING! He signed it "Love Carlos." Above all else he had_ _stopped drinking_ _._

My heart swelled to the point I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. I realised I was sobbing in relief and the overwhelming flood of emotion. Suddenly, I heard a noise behind me, and I spun around in fright. I relaxed immediately as Diesel stepped up and wrapped his arms around me.

"Oh god, Shell. What is it? What did he say to you?" I realised Diesel was worried because I was sobbing and crying, he was concerned that Ranger had rejected me or written something that hurt me.

"Oh no, Diesel. These are happy tears. Kind of. I guess relief and oh… I don't know. A bunch of other emotions I can't really define. But the letter is _good_ , it's a good letter." Suddenly, it occurred to me to wonder what Diesel was doing there, how he had known that the letter had come from Ranger. "Why are you here? How did you know?"

"Janice called me and told me that she had couriered the letter to you and that it would probably arrive tonight. She was really worried about you. She didn't know what the letter would say, and she was worried about how it would affect you."

"Oh. Well, it's a good letter, it's a _great_ letter. He told me so much, I can hardly believe it all. I don't think it has really sunk in. Oh! And he's _coming_. _Here_. On the 15th. Oh Diesel, what will I say to him? What will I do?" I was starting to sound a little hysterical, even to my own ears.

"Calm down honey! It'll be OK. If you don't calm down and relax a bit, you're not going to make it to the 15th! OK, first things first, have you eaten?"

"No, I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything after Janice called and told me she was sending the letter up to me."

"OK, then. How about I order some Chinese food, and while we're waiting, you can call Janice and let her know you're alright? I'm sure she's still worried about you." I nodded. "Good. Then, find me a menu sunshine, and I'll order some good stuff."

I found the menu for my favourite local Chinese restaurant and told Diesel to order me some Kung Pao chicken. He wandered into the kitchen to place the order, and I took the opportunity to go into the bathroom. I took care of business, then washed my hands and face and brushed my hair. I felt a bit better, and walked back into the living room to find my phone to call Janice.

Half an hour later, I was still telling Janice everything Ranger had said and she was trying to get me to calm down again as the tears started to leak out at the things Ranger had described and rush of feelings it brought. Diesel was sitting beside me, rubbing my back in comfort. I felt a bit guilty reading bits of Ranger's letter out while Diesel was listening, but I needed the support right now, and I knew he could be trusted as much as Janice to keep it all confidential.

We heard a knock on the door, and Diesel got up to pay the Chinese delivery guy. Janice told me to go and eat and to video-call her tomorrow. We set up a time, and I hung up. We ate together, not really talking much, and then cleaned up. We sat for a while, just sitting, not talking, and I lay my head on Diesel's shoulder. I felt drained and at peace, in that way you do after you have cried and released so much emotion. I reflected as I drifted into a doze, that it was so strange that all the events of the last year had somehow led to Diesel becoming one of my best friends. I would never have expected that a year ago, but I was grateful for it every day now.

I felt myself being lifted and carried and placed onto the soft mattress and pillows of my bed. I struggled to come back to consciousness, as Diesel stripped off my shoes and eased off my jeans, leaving me in a t-shirt and panties. He leaned down to whisper, "Sleep, honey. I'm glad it's all OK. Call me in the morning," before he vanished.

Over the next two weeks, I chatted regularly with both Diesel and Janice as I tried to keep calm and focussed, while waiting impatiently for the 15th. I worked hard, went to the gym and my art class, ate breakfast at my café, and generally lived my life, while trying not to dwell constantly on what was to come.

Janice encouraged me to work with Diesel to come up with a way to correspond with Ranger, since he had asked me to try. We figured out a secure method and I looked forward to telling Ranger we could write to one another. Diesel also cleared me to share my full, fake name with Ranger, and I could even take him home if I wanted, although I hadn't decided if I would do that this trip. And Ranger would have to promise not to do any background checks on anything to do with my life here. But I hoped that wouldn't be an issue after all we had come through.

I was writing in my journal, making lists of things I wanted to talk to Ranger about, questions I would love to ask him, either in person or when we started writing. There were so many things I would love to know about him – his childhood, his experience with the gang, what it was like for him in Miami, how he got along with his Abuela, which one of his sisters he liked the most, even how he felt when he went to Basic Training, or what he felt the first time he went into combat. I knew there would be a lot of his time in the Army he could never talk to me about. But surely there were things he could tell me? Like how he became friends with Tank and Bobby. Or funny stories of times on R&R. I just wanted him to open up and tell me little things, let me share a little bit of his life.

I was a little nervous that I would have nothing left to tell Ranger about myself, since he had read so much of my life and my thoughts in my journal. But Janice encouraged me to think about and write down heaps of memories from my life that Ranger didn't know – memories from childhood, school, working at EE Martin, skips he probably never knew about, memories of Mary Lou – and I realised that I could still share a lot of my life with Ranger. After all, my life hadn't been all bad, and the journal was mostly filled with the bad stuff.

The days alternately crept by and raced past as I awaited the 15th with equal eagerness and trepidation.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The morning of the 15th dawned clear and bright, a perfect early-summer day with a light breeze and the smell of flowers and cut grass filling the day as I stepped outside. My hands shook as I loaded what I needed for later into my truck, and I took several deep breaths as I turned and walked towards the corner of the street.

I was headed to the little park where I had sat with Ranger and then Lester. I hadn't told Ranger a time to meet me, and I was slightly worried that I might have to wait awhile, but I was somehow more sure that he would know to be there at the same time. The time we had met there last time for breakfast.

Sure enough, as I turned toward the park, I could already see him, waiting, pacing, looking eagerly toward my corner as he waited anxiously for me to come. I wondered how long he had already waited; knowing Ranger he had been up since before dawn. I hoped he hadn't been waiting hours already. He was wearing jeans and deep blue button-up, and I appreciated his effort in not wearing black, and being less of the mercenary for this meeting. And I was also checking surreptitiously for drool, at the mouth-watering picture he made in the casual clothes. _God he is gorgeous._

As I neared him, he suddenly stopped pacing. A mixture of expressions crossed his face as he watched me approach. Definitely relief. I think I saw joy. Some apprehension and a hint of nervousness. Most of all, not a trace of blank-face. I walked up to him and stopped.

"Hi Ranger," I said breathlessly, as the air seemed to be sucked out of my lungs.

His eyes closed briefly. As he opened them again, he reached out tentatively and ran a knuckle lightly down the side of my cheek. Suddenly, he reached out and swept me into his arms, as he closed around me in an almost-desperate hug. I felt a faint tremor run through him, as his breath whooshed out of his lungs as well.

" _Babe."_

And it felt like the world stopped for a minute at that word. It felt like coming home.

* * *

 _AN: It was pointed out to me in a PM that Ranger tells Steph he has four sisters PLUS a brother (in book 11). Sorry, my bad, should have checked that out before I posted my last chap. But sometimes I get hazy about what is JE canon, and what is fanficanon! ;-) For the purposes of my story (because I'm not going back to re-post the chapter) can we please assume he meant Lester as his 'brother'? Please? Thanks! You guys all rock!_


	23. Chapter 23

_AN: Hi all. I think I got into a bit of a writing 'zone' cause this chapter is a longer one! I hope you enjoy. :-)_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the Wicked books._

* * *

Chapter 23.

 _Suddenly, he reached out and swept me into his arms, as he closed around me in an almost-desperate hug. I felt a faint tremor run through him, as his breath whooshed out of his lungs as well._

" _Babe."_

 _And it felt like the world stopped for a minute at that word. It felt like coming home._

The hug went on for a couple of minutes until we both drew back. I felt a little unsure if I should be embarrassed, but the soft, intense look on his face was enough for me to relax slightly and give him a small smile.

"It's good to see you, Ranger. I'm so glad you came."

"Wild horses couldn't have kept me away Babe. Thank you for inviting me."

I took a deep breath. "So breakfast?" I asked. He nodded, indicating the café we had eaten at last time. I agreed with a smile. We settled into a table – Ranger managed to get his back to a wall, some things never change – and placed our order to the friendly young waiter. I ordered a latte and opted for their summer breakfast special of a layered granola, yogurt and berry parfait. Ranger looked intrigued, if a little incredulous, at my choice and ordered the same, with green tea.

Now that the moment had come, and we were here, I felt suddenly uncertain. I did not know what to say, and the silence felt slightly uncomfortable. Ranger reached forward and took my hand off the table. He said quietly, "Babe, I know we have so much to talk about, but can we just relax and have breakfast first? Maybe you can tell me about what you have been doing lately?"

I let out a huff of breath to release the tension that had built up in my chest. I nodded at his suggestion. I started to tell him about my art class and my fitness regime. He chuckled at my description of my early abortive attempts at drawing, and expressed his admiration for my efforts to keep fit. He couldn't resist teasing me a little about getting fit _now_ when it would have been so helpful to me as a bounty hunter. I accepted the teasing good-naturedly because it was true. I should have made more of an effort to exercise and get fit as a bounty hunter – even my seventy year old skips managed to evade me at times.

When our breakfasts arrived, Ranger started to tell me some of Lester's exploits in Atlanta trying to charm the southern ladies and being captivated by their drawling accents. He told me about meeting Tank's petite girlfriend for the first time, and being impressed that she displayed no fear or hesitation around the bulky men of Rangeman.

I was thoroughly enjoying his light-hearted conversation when he suddenly stopped and hesitated.

"What is it?" I asked.

Ranger sipped his tea, delaying slightly. Finally he said, "I was in Trenton overnight last week, and Bobby was talking to me about his wedding plans. Babe… he… mentioned you. I think he wanted to invite you to the wedding. He was saying how sad he was that nobody knows where you are. I don't know if you've ever thought about contacting or going back to visit your friends in Trenton at all, but I know there are a lot of people there who miss you. Who would like to know you're OK. I don't mean to put any pressure on you, at all, I just thought you would like to know that you are… missed. Especially at Rangeman."

I found myself unable to speak. My throat felt swollen and my eyes throbbed with unshed tears at this reminder of what I had given up, and left behind. There were people in Trenton I missed like an ache in my chest. My grandma and Mary Lou. Connie and Lula. Tank and Bobby. Hal and Cal and Hector. Even my parents I couldn't help missing at times, although I doubted I would ever be welcomed back by my mother. I rather suspected she had disowned me by now, probably denied ever having a second daughter.

I would like to go back to visit. I would love to spend time with ML, visit my nieces if I could, hug my grandma, congratulate Bobby on his engagement, feel the crush of Tank's giant arms around me and tease him about his dainty girlfriend. I just didn't know how I could do it, while maintaining my cover here. I could take out my green contacts, and dress more like I used to, but if I showed off my new hair style, would that jeopardise my disguise? I guess I could talk to my stylist in New York. I would have to clear it with Diesel and the BUM… I realised I was finding myself planning a visit to Trenton and I was shocked to think of it as a visit. Trenton wasn't home anymore? I shelved that thought for another time.

When I felt able to speak, I answered Ranger quietly, "I would love to see all my close friends back there sometime. I'm not sure how I could work it though, if it is even possible while I maintain my disguise here, but if I could…" I tapered off.

He went on, "Babe the wedding is planned for August 22nd, and so you'd have plenty of time to work out the plan of attack. You could come with me as my date? That way you wouldn't have to worry about Bobby sending you an invitation. You could even surprise everyone? I could pick you up here, or maybe in New York, and you could stay with me on seven?" He faltered, "I mean… I'm not making any assumptions Shell, I just meant you could stay in my apartment. I can sleep on the sofa or something. Just so you could come to the wedding and see your friends and family."

I smiled inwardly at Ranger's discomfiture. The offer was incredibly tempting, and it was far enough away that I would have time to work it out with Diesel and everyone. _I could see my grandma. I could see Mary Lou. I could dance at Bobby's wedding…_

 _WAITAMINUTE! HOLD THE PHONE! Did Ranger just ask me out on a DATE? A REAL date? A PROPER date?_

"Yes, Babe, I just asked you out on a date. Although I hope by then it won't be our first." I stared at him. I had almost forgotten about his annoying ability to divine what I was thinking by ESP. Or had I sad it out loud?

"Out loud?" I queried.

Ranger shook his head, "No Babe, not out loud. And I don't have ESP, I never did. You just have a really expressive face, and I have a lot of practice at reading expressions and body language, especially yours."

I snorted at that, but replied, "Well, I would love to be your date to Bobby's wedding." His 1000 watt smile lit his face. I held up a hand in caution at his enthusiasm, "But I will have to clear it with Diesel and my bosses. And I think I'll need advice from my stylist about my disguise. So I will have to get back to you before I can confirm it."

He nodded at the provisos, but still looked delighted at my provisional acceptance of his invitation. We had finished our breakfast and Ranger asked me if I wanted another coffee. I shook my head and he looked almost disappointed. I realised I had not told Ranger anything about my plans for this visit, and he was probably thinking that it may not extend beyond this breakfast. He had offered me more coffee to prolong our meeting. I decided it was time to put him out of his misery.

"So, Ranger. I was wondering how long you are going to be in Boston?"

He looked up cautiously, "I don't know Babe. It kind of depends on you. I don't have to be back in Atlanta for anything unmovable until next week. I didn't want to pressure you or make any assumptions, but I cleared this week to be in Boston. I figured if I couldn't spend a lot of time with you, I could work out of the Boston office for a few days."

I smiled, pleased at that. "Ok then Batman! I have our plans all made in that case." He grinned at me, obviously intrigued. I went on, "OK, so I'll grab my car and follow you back to Rangeman. You drop off your car, pack a couple changes of clothes and your shaving kit, and then come with me on my magical mystery tour!"

"What about your clothes?" he enquired.

"My bag is already packed and waiting in my truck," I replied. "I've made a booking for us, and planned out a three-day mini-vacation. I hoped we could just get away and…" Suddenly I faltered slightly, "I mean… if you want to. If you don't want to, that's OK too…"

"Oh no, Babe. I _definitely_ want to. I can't wait to see what you have planned."

"Well, I just thought it would give us a chance to go away somewhere where we could just be ourselves." I explained. "Somewhere we could talk a little, maybe have some fun, just spend some time together again?"

"Sounds perfect Babe. Are you sure you don't want to take my car? We could grab your bag out of your truck and just head out?"

I shook my head at his obvious ploy to regain control, especially since I knew how much he hated to be driven. "Nope, sorry Batman, this is my show. I have a really nice new-ish truck that is really comfortable to ride in, so I'm sure you'll be fine. You'll just have to ride shotgun for once." He smiled ruefully.

We headed out to Ranger's Cayenne, and I described my truck and indicated where it was parked. Ranger offered to drive me around to my truck and I accepted. He asked, "Are you coming in at Rangeman Babe? I'd be happy to give you the tour."

I hesitated, "Well… OK. But please just call me Shell. If you introduce me to anyone, my name is Shell Parkes. And it would be best to try and avoid calling me Babe, if you can remember. I'm sure even the Boston Rangemen all know that Stephanie Plum was 'your Babe'."

He nodded at that, "I'll try Ba… Shell." I smiled slightly.

I got into my truck, and motioned for Ranger to lead me to the Rangeman office. I followed him through the streets to South Boston and paused as Ranger pulled up to an unassuming redbrick building only a few blocks from the Fort Point Channel. I looked the building over while Ranger waited for the heavy, grated garage door to slide up. It didn't look like this building had an underground garage like Trenton; the garage appeared to be on the street level and looked to operate on a similar fob system. Plus I could see several Rangeman vehicles parked in the small alley beside the building. The building was a large, plain square, and looked to be only six stories above ground, although I didn't know what might be in any basement level.

Ranger indicated I should follow him into the garage, I pulled in and parked beside his Cayenne, and he moved over to open my car door and hand me out as the garage door slid down with a thud. He led me over to a plain brown door and pressed his fob to open it. We emerged into a light, pleasant space I recognised as the lobby. The black-clad hulk behind the desk snapped to attention and rapped out a 'Good morning sir!' which Ranger acknowledged with a nod.

He led me over to the elevator and began describing the building layout. "Obviously the first floor is the garage and lobby, plus some storage rooms. There's a basement with a gun range and two holding cells. Second floor is conference rooms, plus the infirmary. Third floor is the gym and locker room. Fourth floor is the control room and offices, including mine." I nodded to indicate I was following along.

"Fifth floor is two small apartments for the core team when they visit, as well as a studio room used mostly for the men to crash in when they are injured, or too tired to drive home. Boston doesn't have a floor of apartments like Trenton, instead we own another apartment building about 10 minutes away that we rent out to the men. On the fifth floor is also a large kitchen and servery used to prepare meals for the men. Boston also doesn't have live in help like Ella and Luis, instead there are two women who come in to clean and prepare meals. We have a caretaker who lives in the apartment building who looks after both buildings." I thought that was a little sad, but then Ranger would never be able to replicate Ella anyway. Ella was a goddess.

"Sixth floor is my penthouse. Same arrangement as Trenton basically. We'll stop off on the fourth to show you around quickly and then head up to my apartment." I nodded my acquiescence and we entered the elevator.

He murmured quietly in my ear, "I'll try to avoid introducing you around too much, but it would be rude not to introduce you to my Boston manager, Denton, at least."

I smiled at him, "It's fine Ranger. Just remember, Shell Parkes."

He smiled back, "It's a nice name." I just raised an eyebrow at him. He smirked and whispered, "Can't believe you finally mastered that Babe."

I smacked his arm lightly before he led me out of the elevator. The control room and cubicle farm looked very similar to Trenton, and a few men looked up at Ranger, and nodded their acknowledgement of him. I could see some very curious looks at me, but obviously nobody felt comfortable enough to ask. Ranger led me past the break room, and paused as a door opened and a large, well-muscled, sandy-blonde man leaned against the door jam and quirked an eyebrow casually at Ranger.

Ranger raised his own brow and the man smirked in reply. Ranger just shook his head. He said, "Denton, this is a friend of mine, Shell Parkes. Shell, Denton Meyers is the manager of my Boston office."

I held out my hand to shake, and injected my Irish lilt into my voice, "It's nice to meet you Denton. It's very interesting to see Ranger's operation here."

He smiled at me delightedly, and turned his body to partially block Ranger as he took my hand and leaned in towards me. He was obviously flirting to get a rise out of Ranger and instead of shaking my hand, he raised it to kiss the back of my hand lightly. His own Irish brogue was subtle, and I didn't know if it was assumed, like mine, or a natural part of his speech. "Why it's fine to meet you lass. What's a beautiful lass such as yourself doing with a rogue like this?"

I couldn't help the giggle that escaped me at his blatant teasing. "Oh, I'm just seeing if he can be as charming as he is attractive!" I teased back.

"Oh, well then, don't waste your time on the likes of him lass. If you want charming and attractive, you need look no further." This man reminded me a lot of Lester, and I giggled again.

Ranger's arm came around my waist and I felt myself being tugged gently into his side. He shoved lightly on Denton's shoulder and said, "Save your Irish blarney man, leave my girl alone and get back to work."

Denton looked sorrowful and reached out again to caress my hand lightly. "Well if you get sick of his domineering nonsense lass, you can always come back and find me. You're welcome any time."

I smiled at him as Ranger led me to the next office door and unlocked it, guiding me inside. I looked around his office. It was attractive and well-decorated in neutral tones with a plush leather sofa and armchair off to one side, and a beautifully polished mahogany desk with comfortable-looking office chairs on the other side. The wall beside the desk held a pleasant but nondescript painting of Boston harbour. The wall behind the sofa had a large window that looked out between the buildings towards the water in the channel. There was a laptop on the desk, and Ranger went over to it. He checked a couple of messages, and scanned his email, before closing up the laptop, and packing it and the charge cord into a slim briefcase which he carried with him.

He once again slid his arm around me, as he led me back through the control room to the elevator, nodding at a couple of men as we went. In the elevator, he pressed his fob to take us up to the penthouse level. The doors opened to a calm, spacious lobby. The walls were pale green with some tasteful art, and another comfortable-looking armchair sat beside a small coffee table. I wondered if anybody ever used the furniture, I couldn't see Ranger relaxing with a book in this armchair outside his apartment.

Ranger fobbed us into his apartment, and I looked around curiously, to see how it compared to the apartment in Trenton. The décor was similar, warm, masculine neutrals and comfortable furniture, but somehow sterile and unlived-in, live an expensive hotel room. Ranger went into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge and handed one to me.

He said, "So Babe. Are you going to tell me where we're going now?"

I shook my head teasingly, "Nope. It's a surprise, you're just going to have to wing it!"

"Can I at least get an idea of what you think I should pack, Babe?"

"Oh. Well, summer clothes for three days. Bathers, if you have them here. A couple of nicer outfits if we decide to go out at night. That sort of thing."

He nodded and left me to explore as he walked into the bedroom. I followed him, deciding to check out if his bed looked as inviting and luxurious as the one in Trenton. Sure enough, it was a king size with those amazing million-thread-count sheets and quilt. I asked to use the bathroom. OK, sure, I wanted to check it out too, but I also had to pee! I decided he either used the same decorator as Trenton, or gave them pretty specific instructions, because even the bathroom reflected the same style and layout.

I went back out to the living room to wait for Ranger. He joined me a few minutes later with a small suitcase and his briefcase, and held out his hand to lead me back to the elevator, and pressing the button for the fourth floor. I quirked an eyebrow at him to enquire why we were stopping back here, but he just smiled at me and led me to Denton's office.

A quick knock, and he stuck his head in the door to inform Denton that he was offline for 3 or 4 days unless there was an emergency. Denton nodded and grinned at me with a parting comment to look him up after Ranger left. I smiled and shook my head slightly.

When we arrived back down at the garage, Ranger coaxed, "Can I drive, please Babe? I'd like to drive your nice truck."

I just looked at him, "You don't know where we're going Ranger. And no matter how you try to trick me, I'm not telling. You'll see soon enough, it's only about an hour's drive. And that's the only hint you get!"

I walked over to the car and seated myself and waited. Ranger sighed, but put his bags in the back and settled into the passenger seat with relative good grace. He fobbed the garage door open as I pulled up the satellite navigation to help me get onto the highway, since I was not familiar with this part of Boston.

Once I had my route planned, I looked over at Ranger and grinned at him. "OK, here we go! Magical mystery tour!"

Ranger rolled his eyes. I think I must be a bad influence.

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 _AN: Sorry we haven't gotten to any of the deep stuff yet, but Steph wanted to relax and get away from everything first.  
Reviews feed my muse! And let's face it, she's a bit of a glutton. ;-)_


	24. Chapter 24

_AN: Ooo we're getting closer to the good stuff! ;-) Thank you all so much for all the lovely reviews. I am so glad you are enjoying my story and following me along on this journey. I am loving the writing, and your reviews make it more worthwhile._

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

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Chapter 24.

Unfortunately I don't have a driving zone like Ranger. Even more unfortunately, Ranger's driving zone seems to extend to being a passenger. I felt my nervousness about the upcoming time together returning, as Ranger sat in silence for more than half an hour. Finally, I could take it no longer.

"Ranger?"

"Hmm."

"Can we talk? I know you are the master of silence in the car, but I'm a little nervous about all this, and it would help me if we didn't just sit in silence."

He looked at me; he seemed a little shocked. I guess I had never explained my need to chatter to him before. "Sure Babe. What do you want to talk about?"

"Well… I know you don't like to just chatter or babble on like me. Maybe… I could tell you something you want to know about me? Something you want to ask me? You liked… reading about my thoughts. Maybe I could tell you instead?"

Ranger was silent, but when I glanced over at him, I could see his brow furrowed in thought. Finally, he nodded and asked, "OK Babe. I've always hated that you seemed to be at odds with your family. I mean, I hated that was your childhood experience. You must have some good memories? Maybe of your dad, or of Valerie when your mother wasn't around?"

It was my turn for my brow to furrow as I thought over his question. I struggled to find anything particularly good in my memories of Val. But my dad… "Well, when I was about nine, we went on vacation to Point Pleasant for two weeks in summer. Two weeks was all dad ever got off from the Post Office. But this time, Val was twelve and about to start middle school, and my mom was all over her, fussing over her like she always did. I felt left out, which wasn't unusual. But for once dad seemed to notice. Maybe it was because we were on holiday and he was paying attention for a change, I'm not sure," I shrugged.

"But anyway, he went out of his way for me that trip. Every morning he would wake me up about 7.30am and we would go for a walk along the beach before breakfast. I'd pick up shells and chatter to him about nothing. All the silly things a nine year old girl thinks about I guess. He'd hold my hands and swing me out over the edge of the ocean and tease me about throwing me into the water. I would shriek and beg him not to throw me, but we both knew he wouldn't." I smiled at the memory.

"A couple times he took me out for the day, no mom, no Val, just him and me. We'd go up to the arcade, and he'd play some of the classic games with me like Foosball. And they had this weird antique game of tenpin bowling with this little man who rolled the ball toward the pins inside the machine. Dad was pretty good at it. He wouldn't play any of the pinball games or electronic games, but he let me play a few. He also had a go at one of the shooting games once. He was in the army too, did you know? And he was a pretty good shot; he won me a stuffed panda. And we'd go for ice cream and he'd buy me a double-scoop of butter pecan and chocolate. I still get that when I go to the beach…" I tapered off.

There was silence in the car for a minute, and Ranger said, "That's a nice memory Babe. I'm glad you have some happy memories of your dad."

"What about you, Ranger? What is your dad like? Do you have some happy memories of your dad?"

He smiled, "My dad's pretty much what you'd expect Babe. He's traditional sort of Cuban guy. Married young, his wife stayed home and had babies. He was glad to finally get me as a boy after four girls. And I think my mom said enough once they finally had a boy."

"What does he do?"

"He and my Uncle Adolfo, who is Lester's dad by the way, own a car dealership together. Uncle Adolfo is a Santos, and the Santos' owned car dealerships in Miami. My dad's family moved to Newark when dad was in high school. My Abuelo Jimeno was a factory floor worker, and got a job in Newark as a factory foreman, so the family moved. Dad was a little upset, I hear. Adolfo was his best friend and he had just started dating Adolfo's sister, my mom, Mariella. So Adolfo kind of followed my dad's family after he finished high school. I think Adolfo just wanted to get out from under his dad's thumb, because Abuelo Federico was a pretty domineering man, from all accounts. He died when I was just a baby. Anyway, they decided to open up a car dealership with a little seed money Abuelo Jimeno provided. Started out with used cars, catering to the young first-car buyers, and they were both really good at it. They grew, and expanded and ended up with a chain of dealerships."

He smirked at me, "Now you know where all my cars come from Babe." I rolled my eyes. "My dad had kept writing to Mariella, and after a couple of years he convinced her to follow him up as well. They were married about a year later, and my sister Celia was born just less than a year later again."

"So did your dad do lots of traditional boy things with you? Sports and that?"

His expression went blank for a moment. "No Babe, not really. I was a little kid, weedy and small for my age until I was about fourteen or fifteen. Your typical late bloomer. I played a little soccer, because I was fast on my feet, but my dad didn't play so he never got into it much. He's also a pretty serious guy. His idea was that I would study day and night, and excel at school. Then I'd grow up, go to college, get some high-flying job like a doctor or lawyer and 'better myself and my family', in his words."

He was silent for several minutes, "Needless to say, I threw a pretty big wrench in it when I started rebelling. I was hanging around some local toughs, who were looking to join a local gang. They performed a couple of minor crimes as initiations. I was stupidly impressed, so I dragged Lester with me and stole a car and went for a joyride. Obviously I got caught, cops dragged us home and told my parents if I got in any more trouble they'd send me to juvie. The worst part was I got Lester into big trouble as well. So they shipped me off to my Abeula Bella in Miami to 'straighten me out'. She was incredibly strict. I came home after high school to go to college, but I was still pretty angry with my parents for sending me away. When I dropped out of college to join the Army, I think it was the last straw for my dad. He kinda saw all his dreams for me disappearing. We've never really recovered any kind of close relationship."

I reached my hand over, and took his hand and squeezed it. I said, "I know what it's like not to live up to your parents' ideals for you. And their attitude can really hurt. But _I'm proud_ _of what you've achieved_ Ranger. You've served your country selflessly, you've sacrificed for everyone, and you've built a strong, thriving business with offices in four states. That's a lot to be proud of. Even if your dad won't admit it."

He gave me the full 1000 watts. I felt like I could fly.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

I started checking the satnav again as I thought we must be approaching the exit I needed. I could feel Ranger's eyes on the display as well, no doubt trying to figure out where we were headed. I decided to let him in on the secret.

"So, when I was in grade school, I was fascinated with the stories of the pilgrims and the first Thanksgiving. So I've always wanted to see Plymouth Rock and the site of the first Thanksgiving. I know you like history too, so I thought we could stay in Plymouth for a few days? I've booked us two rooms in a historic homestead B&B. I thought we could see a couple of historical sites, walk on the beach, eat lobster, just relax and spend time together? Is that OK?"

"Actually that sounds good Babe. Plymouth is somewhere I have read about, although I'm pretty sure the rock is just a rock."

"I know that Ranger, it's more what it _represents_ , you know?"

He smiled, "Yeah Babe, I get it. I'd like to see Plimoth Plantation. And I wouldn't mind seeing the Mayflower II."

I grinned at him, enormously relieved that he was on board with my plans. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders as I negotiated the exit and started following directions towards our accommodation.

Ranger leaned over and brushed a wave of my hair back behind my ear. I shivered in reaction to him. He whispered, "The only disappointing part is the separate bedrooms, Babe."

I didn't know what to say to that. I had thought long and hard about what to book for accommodation, but I decided I just wasn't really ready to share a room with Ranger again. Plus I didn't want to make assumptions that he would want to. I went with a noncommittal smile.

It was about 11.30 as I pulled in at the B&B, the satnav guiding me easily to the address. I had paid extra for an early check-in and we carried our bags to our rooms. The décor was lovely, simple and elegant with a blue and white theme perfect for a beachside location. Ranger and I were sharing a bathroom; we each had doors opening into the bathroom and could lock the other's bathroom doors for privacy. We agreed to settle in and relax, and then meet up at 12 for a walk along the beach before we looked for lunch. I changed from my peasant skirt and blouse into some shorts and a t-shirt with flip-flops and I grabbed a floppy hat and my big, round sunglasses. I checked my bag for all the essentials, applied some sunscreen and headed out to meet Ranger.

He was waiting for me outside our rooms, and he smiled as we walked out of the house and across the street to the shoreline. We walked along the beach and Ranger took my hand. I felt my heart flutter at the romanticism of the gesture and I smiled and leaned into him to kiss him lightly on the lips. Suddenly, he grabbed my arms and picked me up and started to run toward the ocean. I was totally shocked until we got to the water's edge and he swung me around, pretending to throw me into the water. I shrieked and started to laugh until tears formed in my eyes. I realised that Ranger was recreating my memory of walking on the beach with my father as a child and it brought me to tears that he had heard my story and cared enough to try and bring those feelings back for me.

I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. He slid me down his body and I felt his arousal as he returned my kiss with equal passion. We were lost in each other for a couple of minutes until we heard a wolf-whistle and some raucous laughter. We drew back slightly, and I blushed at the heat in Ranger's gaze. He didn't say anything, but turned and continued to lead me down the beach, holding my hand. I realised I was at risk on this vacation of falling back into a physical relationship with Ranger. He still made my heart pound and I could love him so easily again. Probably I never stopped loving him. But I was still certain it was too soon for anything serious to happen and I would have to be careful not to let anything progress too far.

We walked for about 30 minutes and then agreed to find a café or restaurant near the beach where our casual attire would be OK. We ended up at a bar and grill overlooking the water where Ranger had an admittedly luscious-looking salad with goats cheese, tomato and baby spinach, and I had an orgasmic crab salad roll.

After lunch we headed back along the shoreline to Pilgrim Memorial State Park and I finally got to see Plymouth Rock. I didn't say anything to Ranger, but I felt a tingle in my spine for the sheer history it represented. We wandered through the park before walking slowly back to our B&B. I was tired from our early start and the release of tension from anticipating this day, and I hadn't slept well for several days leading up to this day. I told Ranger I needed a little nap and he agreed, saying he would get some work done on his laptop. Ranger asked if he could take me out to dinner somewhere special, and I agreed, realising this could count as our first 'real date'.

I had a brief, but restorative nap and got up with plenty of time to make our 7pm dinner appointment. I had a long shower, going through the whole beauty ritual of washing my hair, shaving, exfoliating, and moisturising until my skin glowed and I blow-dried my hair into its glossy straightened curtain. Back in my room, I carefully applied makeup for smoky eyes and glossy lips in a deep amber shade called 'sunset kiss'.

I donned the dress I had brought, hoping we would eat out somewhere nice. It was a pale green, sleeveless sundress with a wide, round neckline, fairly demure in front, but dipping down to the bottom of my shoulder blades in back. The top was fitted tightly and the skirt fell from the waist into silky folds just above my knees. It was a simple dress, but the gorgeous silky fabric and expanse of skin it revealed made it perfect for a summer evening. The dress precluded wearing a bra, but I was wearing lacy white boy-shorts panties. I slipped on my green and white strappy 4 inch sandals and walked through a mist of Dolce Vida before stopping to admire the effect in front of the full-length mirror. Perfect!

I grabbed a couple of essentials, including my lip gloss, a travel brush, my license and a credit card (just in case) and transferred them into the slim, white clutch that went with my outfit. As I finished putting everything into my bag, I heard a soft knock and opened the door to the breathtaking sight of Armani Ranger. He smiled at me, and presented me with a single white rose. It was perfect and the smell was intoxicating as I lifted it to my nose. He even handed me a slim vase that he told me he had borrowed off the innkeepers. I felt choked with emotion as I put a little water into the vase and placed it on my bedside table.

Ranger said, "Babe, I've made a reservation at a restaurant on the other side of town. It much too far to walk, can I please drive your truck?" I smiled my agreement and handed him the keys. He took my arm and led me down to the truck. He drove inland, to a stunning converted church that was made into a restaurant. It was decorated in a 1920's Art Deco style and I looked around in awe as we waited for the hostess to seat us.

We browsed the modern French menu. The food looked divine and leaned heavily to seafood, which was fine by me. We agreed to order one appetizer to share, and settled on the mussels. I ordered butter-poached lobster with foie gras dim sum for entrée, and Ranger ordered swordfish with lobster risotto. Ranger ordered a bottle of dry Riesling and we sipped the fresh wine and chatted desultorily until the waiter brought the mussels. The mussels were delicious, and Ranger was good company, telling me a couple of stories about growing up with his sisters, how they would tease him, and try to pin him down to dress him up in their clothes, like a little doll. I was laughing and Ranger was smiling as the waiter cleared the appetizer plates and refreshed our wine.

We kept chatting again and I told him about living with 'Saint Valerie' and how Mary Lou and I would play together, each living our own, different fantasy even while we played. The entrees when they came were unbelievable. The lobster was rich, buttery and literally melted in my mouth. Ranger fed me forkfuls of his swordfish which was delicious and the risotto which was spectacular.

The waiter came back after clearing our plates. I was full after the delicious meal, but Ranger and the waiter convinced me to share a cheese platter to finish the meal with French-style coffee. The cheeses when they came were delicious, served with summer berries and local honey. We sipped our coffee and nibbled at the delicious platter.

It had been a perfect evening. I knew there were important things for Ranger and me to talk about, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to spoil what had been such as romantic, wonderful evening with him. Instead, we talked about our plans for tomorrow. We decided in the morning after breakfast we would head over to Plimoth Plantation and also see the Pilgrim Hall Museum. In the afternoon, we would check out the Mayflower II, which Ranger really wanted to see.

I had plans for tomorrow night. The B&B provided picnics in summer for lunch or dinner and I had Googled to find a quiet beach where Ranger and I could go to enjoy a beach picnic and sit and talk by the ocean.

Tomorrow was the night when we would really talk about us, about the future. Tonight was for living the romantic dream. And it was still perfect. We drove back to the coast in a cocoon of happy contentment. Back at my room, Ranger handed me my car keys.

He leaned in to kiss me softly. He whispered against my mouth, "Are you going to invite me in?"

I moaned softly, "I want to Ranger, I want to desperately. But… it's not the right time for me. Not yet. I'm sorry."

He sighed gently, "I know Babe. I get it, really I do. But a man can dream." He leaned in to kiss me passionately this time, and I was left in no doubt of his desire from the evidence growing against me. He finally stepped back reluctantly and reached over to gently caress my cheek as he said, "Dream of me tonight Babe." I walked into my room in a daze and locked the door, and sat vacantly on the bed without a coherent thought in my head.

I would definitely dream of him tonight.

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 _AN: Review? Pretty please with Armani Rangers on top? :-)_


	25. Chapter 25

_AN: Hi all. Sorry for the hiatus again. I'm just completely slammed at work, and totally exhausted when I get home. But it's the weekend again here in Oz, and I'm hoping for a couple of good, long writing sessions. I hope you like it – it's time (in my mind anyway) for the angst to fade a bit and some sunshine to peek out behind the clouds. Enjoy! :-)_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

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Chapter 25.

Needless to say, I did dream of Ranger. And that did not make for the most restful night I've ever experienced. I kept waking up, aching in ways and in places I couldn't describe. The kisses and romance the day before had been wonderful, but they had me so hot and bothered that I despaired of sleeping. At one in the morning, I thought about taking another shower, but two things stopped me. One, there was no shower massager in there. Two, I was pretty sure Ranger would be able to hear me, and that would just be hugely embarrassing.

After my restless, hyped-up night, the next day of sightseeing was exhausting. I really enjoyed the historical village and Ranger especially enjoyed touring the replica ship, but I kind of regretted trying to cram it all into one day. Especially since I had plans for our 'big talk' that night.

I wanted nothing more than to collapse into my bed at the end of the day and sleep for hours, but I had already made the plans and ordered the picnic basket. As we arrived back at the B&B at 4.30pm, the sweet-faced proprietor cornered me and told me my basket would be ready by six. It was supposed to include all we needed – a blanket, a bottle of wine, glasses, plastic crockery, cutlery and a gourmet selection of deli meats, cheeses, breads and fresh vegetables and dip. It had sounded quite delicious.

I decided to follow through on my original plans, despite my exhaustion, because I knew the longer I put off talking to Ranger, the harder it would be. I told Ranger I was going to nap for an hour, before getting ready for our evening. He hadn't seemed especially excited when I'd told him about our plans for the evening, but I hoped when we were actually there, he would relax and open up to me the way he had in his letter and at breakfast yesterday.

The nap was brief, but I did feel better when I woke just after 5.30. I took a fast shower to wake myself up, and dressed in jeans and a pretty turquoise blouse. I put on my flat, Roman sandals and pulled my hair back with a matching turquoise headband. My skin was clear and glowing and I figured for the beach I only needed a couple of coats of mascara and some lip gloss. I was ready to go by 5.55 and I knocked softly on Ranger's door. He opened it and smiled at me. He looked casual-sexy in jeans and a black tee, with some black sneakers, and he smelt mouth-wateringly of Bulgari. My heart did its usual drum solo as his smile almost made me ruin my panties.

He took my hand and we walked downstairs to collect the picnic basket. The proprietor was waiting for us in the hall, and she handed the basket to Ranger with a grin and wished us a lovely evening. Ranger gave her his 100 watt smile, just a fraction of the brilliance I knew he could emit, but it was still enough to leave her looking dazed as we left the B&B and loaded the basket into the car. I smirked at Ranger, as I slid into the driver seat, and he just shook his head at me. He had insisted on driving today, since he could find the tourist places with the GPS. But I had planned this evening, so I decided I was going to drive. We weren't going far – just a little south to a beach I had Googled that seemed to offer what I was looking for, quiet seclusion away from the bustle of the town, but still not too isolated to be dangerous.

It only took about 10 minutes to find the beach, and we parked and made our way out onto the sand. We walked for about five minutes, until Ranger spotted an inviting place nestled back from the water, with a raised, grassy sand bank behind it that would offer some protection from the wind, if it picked up. We spread out the blanket and unpacked the picnic basket. Ranger poured the wine into the plastic glasses provided, while I plated up the food. Ranger tucked me into his shoulder, and we slowly nibbled on the finger-foods and sipped the wine, while we watched the ever-changing hues of colour of the clouds over the water as the sun set.

The sound of the slight swell on the beach was hypnotically soothing and I felt the tension drain from both of us. It was everything I had hoped it would be, and I felt reluctant to disturb the relaxed feeling. _The queen of denial rears her ugly head again_. Ranger had always had a way of making me want to ignore any possible problems just to hold onto precious time with him.

To my surprise, Ranger finally broke the relaxed silence between us. "Babe, I can't imagine a time or place when I could ever feel more relaxed just holding you close. So I guess it's time to talk, hmm?"

I knew he could feel me nod against his shoulder. "Babe, all these months in Atlanta, I haven't been… living. It's been an existence. Nothing more. I knew the minute I arrived there, and you were not there, that that's all it was going to be for me. I know I told you a lot of things about my life – how it doesn't lend itself to relationships or rings – and that may be true. But the thing I discovered in Atlanta is that you are buried so far under my skin that a life away from you doesn't lend itself to living."

He paused for a moment. To say I was stunned by this was a major understatement; I was gobsmacked at his haunting eloquence. He went on, "When I found you in Boston, it was like the lights went back on. We talked about being together, seeing each other every month, and there was light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly I could see a _life_ , beyond existence. That morning, when we had breakfast, I was just so _determined_ to hold onto that feeling, to _build a life with you_."

He paused again, "I think what I have regretted every day, every _moment_ after that morning… what I was trying to obliterate with tequila… was the feeling that I had stepped back into darkness. I had snuffed out the light, just as it started to come back on for me. Babe, I guess what I'm trying to say is… _do you want a life with me in it_? Because if you don't… If this time together is like one last hurrah or something…" he seemed to be temporarily unable to go on.

I could hear the emotion in his voice. There was nothing blank or emotionless about him at the moment. I felt like every cell in my body was holding its breath to hear what he would say. Suddenly I realised that the brass ring was right in front of me – it was time to pull up those big girls' panties and decide what _I wanted_ , because he was clearly waiting, _needing_ to hear me say it.

"Ranger, I… _No_. This was _never_ about a last hurrah. I had no clear expectations or vision for how this time together would go. I didn't know what was going to happen. A part of me has _always_ yearned for a happily ever after with you. But I also didn't see us riding off into the sunset together after this little holiday. I felt… I felt the same way as you at that breakfast. Suddenly you were _there_ again, and the part of me that only comes alive when you're around woke up. We were talking about maybe, possibly seeing if a future was possible, and it felt… like hope."

I sighed, "I think what hurt me _so much_ that morning was the destruction of that hope. Ranger, I've fought so hard to rebuild my life. I know nearly everyone back in Trenton probably thinks I ran away and sulked like a petulant child. Maybe I did for a while. But I've been building – _rebuilding_ – myself. All the crap that I let myself feel and be back in Trenton, all the worthlessness and stupid decisions and the destructive behaviour… I've been trying to move past it, to be more than that, to see myself with a future. But no matter what, there was always you – in the back of my head, that flame of hope that never completely died. And that morning it flared up again, and then was hosed down in the space of an hour."

I shook my head, remembering the pain, "I felt myself slide back to those dark days after you told me you were leaving in Trenton. That time was… Diesel told me I was grieving. I think I really _was_ grieving, because one part of me that lived for you died that night. I could tell you were never going to come back for me, and I _knew_ I had lost you forever. So I grieved. Until Diesel came along and told me I could still live, still have some kind of life. And then he convinced me to get counselling, and I have never regretted that for a day. It was the right decision. So sliding back towards that pit of grief…"

I straightened my shoulders slightly, "But I told myself _NO!_ I was not going to go back to that. I was stronger, _better_ than that." I paused for a moment, "When Lester came to see me, I felt like maybe you were feeling what I felt then. That pit of despair. So I reached out to you. And, when you reached back… well… the flame of hope flickered back to life _again_."

I turned slightly under his arm so he could see my face in the faint light of the sky and the distant town lights reflected on the water. "Ranger, I don't know where we are going or what is going to happen. But I don't want that hope to die again. For either of us. I'm not kidding myself that it's going to be easy. We have a _lot_ of crap to sort out, and the logistics are horrendous. But for me… the hope of what we could be is stronger than the fear of what could go wrong."

He held my gaze for what seemed like hours, but was probably only a minute. Finally he lifted his hand to cup my cheek. He said, "Stephanie, I need that hope too, that light. You are that hope for me too, the only real love I have ever felt for _anyone_ outside of my family, my daughter, and my brothers in arms. I never thought romantic love was even real until I met you. I thought it was sex and Hollywood hype and stupid love songs. Despite the fact that I know my parents love each other, that my sisters love their husbands, I still didn't really believe in it, until I felt it. With you."

I wrapped my arms around him and felt his arms tighten around me. My eyes closed as we held each other like we never wanted to let go. Somehow it felt different from other times we had held each other. This wasn't about passion, or sex, or comfort, this was an acknowledgement of love.

Finally, our arms loosened and I leaned back slightly to look at him again. "So where do you think we go after this?"

He looked at me for a minute before responding, "I'm not sure Babe. But I feel like there's hope we can work it out."

"Ranger, can I suggest…" I hesitated.

"What, Babe?"

"Well, we could take turns asking one thing of each other that we think could help move us forward. We don't necessarily have to work it all out here tonight, but we could suggest one or two things each to start building that relationship?"

He considered that, "Sounds really logical Babe," he nodded. "Why don't you start?"

I thought for a minute. _What did I need most from him? Well that was easy, really – honesty, more openness, the things that would help rebuild the trust._

"OK, Ranger. I would like us to start writing to each other. Regularly. At least once a week. We can ask each other questions, tell each other things about ourselves. One thing I need from you that I never got from you back in Trenton is some communication, some opening up of your life. I know there are parts you can never open up, and I would _never_ ask you to. But, what you started to do in your letter, that's what I want. The little parts of you that help me understand you; that help me trust you, and know you. You said in your letter that it was easier than you thought it would be. So can we try and keep going?"

"It was easier than I thought it would be. And as long as you understand and accept the things I can never share, I think I can do that."

I smiled in relief. First hurdle. "OK, Ranger, thank you. I really appreciate that. So your turn now."

"Babe, I know we've already talked about it, but I really want you to come back with me to Trenton and see your friends at Bobby's wedding. I'm not sure why it's so important to me, but it feels really important. Like I want them to know that you are OK, and that you are with me. It is important to me. I know you are concerned about your disguise and your 'secret identity' in Boston. But I'm asking please, find a way? Make it happen, please Babe?"

This was going to be a major hurdle for me. I still feared the possible resentment and backlash I would feel from everyone back in Trenton, but unless I wanted to disappear forever, I knew I would have to face it one day. And if I wanted a future with Ranger, well… he still had an office in Trenton. I suppressed a sigh as I nodded, "OK Ranger, I'll find a way; I'll make it happen."

"Thank you Babe. Your turn again."

The fact that he had asked for something hard from me gave me the courage to ask something really tough from him. "OK, my next 'ask' is a biggie, Ranger. But I really want this. I want you to consider couples counselling. With me. I video-chat with my therapist most of the time, so we wouldn't have to be in the same place together, and we could both chat online with her. It's a completely secure connection, and she knows all my past, so I can be totally open and honest with her. Ranger I think we have a lot of issues to work through, and I believe she can help us. Please, will you think about it? For me?"

He was silent for at least two minutes. I felt my nerves stretch as I hoped I hadn't caused him to retreat away from me. But I didn't believe I was asking too much. _Courage Stephanie_.

Finally he said, "How about this, Babe? I'll try one session with you. If I think I can relate to your therapist and talk to her, if I think it will really help us, if I think it can really work for us, I'll try a second session. And we can take it from there. OK?"

It was more than I'd dared to hope for, and I nodded vigorously. "Yes, thank you Ranger. That sounds completely fair. That would be great." I smiled at him. "OK, you again?"

"Hmm. Well, I guess my next 'ask' is if we can try again for what I suggested that day at breakfast? Spending time together regularly. I can try and come up one week a month and work out of Boston. We can spend time together. Date each other?" He smirked at me suddenly, "I'm not going to deny I'm hoping for more too. I'm hoping we spend some _quality time_ together. But I promise I won't push you for more that you're ready to give."

I felt myself flush at the wave of heat that went through me at his words. But I also couldn't deny the truth of them. The more time we spent together, the greater the likelihood we were going to end up back in bed together. But it's not like that was a _bad_ thing…

I nodded again, "Yes, Ranger, I'd like to date you. If you are willing to come to Boston every month, I think that is more than generous. If we develop something more, then I'd like that too, when we're both ready." A thought occurred to me, of something I could offer him. "Ranger, can you ride a bike?"

"Sure, Babe, I have a current bike license."

I rolled my eyes, "No Ranger, a bicycle. A push-bike."

He looked at me almost incredulously, "Umm, I haven't ridden a bicycle since I was about sixteen Babe."

I grinned at him, "Well they say you never forget how! You see, I _hate_ running, but I've been using the stationary bike at the gym, and I think I could really like riding. I've been thinking of buying a bike to exercise out in the open air, instead of the gym. Particularly now it's summer. If you wanted to, we could try riding together, and exercise together? I just thought… I know how much you love to exercise, and I've never been interested before…" I trailed off.

He grinned at me, "Well, we can give it a try. How about we hire bikes for a couple of hours here tomorrow, and see if the adage is true that you never forget? That way if I make a fool of myself, nobody I know is going to see me."

I laughed delightedly, " _Yes_ Ranger! Yes _please_. Let's do it tomorrow. Then if we like it, we can buy bikes and ride when you come to visit."

"Sounds like a plan, Babe. In fact, sounds like a few good plans."

I sighed in contentment and relaxed back into Ranger's side. He pulled me close against him and my head fell onto his shoulder in pure happiness. We relaxed again, and sat for another hour listening to the soothing cadence of the ocean. Finally we rose, stretched our cramped limbs and gathered together the detritus from our picnic. We walked slowly hand-in-hand back to the car.

I handed Ranger the keys without hesitation; I was way beyond caring about who drove. He smiled at me softly. He drove us back to the B&B and we handed back the picnic basket and answered a couple of polite questions from the proprietor as we thanked her for the lovely meal. Ranger led me up to my room, and kissed me softly at my door. It was the perfect blend of contentment with the promise of passion behind it. It was the perfect kiss to end the perfect evening, and my heart was soaring in song as I went in and prepared for bed.

I knew the road ahead wouldn't be all smooth, and that there would be challenges. But there was hope. There was _definitely_ _hope_.

* * *

 _AN: The next chapter will be letters. What should they ask each other? What do YOU most want Ranger to tell Steph? Review my pretties! :-)_


	26. Chapter 26

_AN: Thank you for the reviews. I didn't get many suggestions for the letters, so I went with my ideas. I hope the small number of reviews on the last chapter was not because you didn't like it? Sigh. Sorry, guess I am just feeling insecure because I've never really written much sweet/soppy romance before. Please let me know if you think I can improve (but please be gentle!) :-)_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

* * *

Chapter 26.

The rest of our time in Plymouth was happy and relaxed. It turns out we both did remember how to ride a bike, and I enjoyed the cycling a lot more being out in the fresh air and seeing something from a new perspective. Ranger grudgingly agreed that he enjoyed it as well, enough to try it again. He seemed reluctant to go riding from Rangeman, though, so I suggested he could buy a bike and leave it at my place. When we went cycling, we would do so from my place. He seemed a little happier at that suggestion.

After another yummy dinner at an Italian restaurant, another moonlit walk on the beach, and more steamy kisses, I despaired of sleeping with Ranger so close. Needless to say, I was happy to hand the keys to Ranger the next morning, and napped as he drove us back to Boston. I was surprised when he pulled up in my street, thinking he would drive back to Rangeman, and I looked at him enquiringly as we arrived.

"Sorry Babe. I didn't want our time together to end yet. I thought maybe we could spend a little more time together?"

I smiled at him. I decided to show Ranger my apartment, and made myself a coffee and him a green tea as he looked around and we chatted desultorily. I showed Ranger my drawing portfolio, and talked about how the hobby had helped me feel like I was starting to live a real life here. I talked about how it had helped me meet new people and make friends, something I had missed since leaving Trenton.

Ranger noticed my expression, as I had a sudden brainwave. "What is it Babe?"

"Well… I was just thinking. It was just a thought…"

"Go on Babe, you can tell me."

"Well… I was thinking… Ranger you need more in your life than work and exercise. Couldn't _you_ find yourself an interest outside of Rangeman?"

He quirked an eyebrow, "Such as?"

"Oh. I'm not sure. It would have to be something you'd enjoy. Maybe… You could study something? Or teach something – you could teach kids martial arts or self-defence or something? Volunteer at a homeless shelter, or the local VA? I dunno really. Anything to try to build more life than just Rangeman – and I don't mean give money to charity, I mean do something with yourself, for yourself. I just thought, it helped me to build an interest, made my life richer. I'm not trying to force you or anything, I just thought maybe it's something you could try too. I just remember back in Trenton, you didn't seem to have much of a life beyond your work and the gym. And Lester sort of said you'd been even more like that in Atlanta…" I trailed off.

Ranger didn't look like he was immediately repulsed by the idea, which I took as a good sign. "Well, I don't know Babe. Maybe, if it was something I could feel like I was giving something back. I'll think about it."

I smiled in relief and satisfaction that he would consider my idea. We finished our drinks, and I suggested shopping for bicycles. To my surprise, Ranger agreed and we looked up a bike shop in North Boston, and headed out. We found a bike each that we liked and were fitted for helmets. We also bought chains and locks, since I could not store the bikes inside my apartment, I did not have enough room. Ranger insisted on paying for both, and I protested vehemently, but he claimed since I had prepaid the accommodation in Plymouth that he was allowed to pay for this. I agreed grudgingly, realising I would not be able to win this one, even though Ranger had paid for most of our food and activities on our vacation.

We took the bikes back to my apartment building, and I showed Ranger the small lean-to garden shed at the back of my building where I thought we could store the bikes and chain them to the post. We decided to go for a quick ride, and I suggested we could ride to my gym where I could attend my Zumba class, and Ranger could buy a guest pass to use the equipment. Ranger grabbed his bag out of my car, and we went up to change into suitable clothes. At the gym, I could feel Ranger's eyes on me through the glass walls of the room where they held the classes, as he worked out on various equipment. I couldn't help shaking my backside a little more (I hoped) sexily, whenever I felt his eyes on me.

We rode home, and ordered Chinese food, and we each grabbed a quick shower and changed while we waited for it to be delivered. It was another relaxed and casual evening. I felt we should step back a bit from all the personal revelations, since we had decided to write to one another, so I put on a DVD of one of my favourite movies that I thought Ranger would also enjoy, _The Assassin_ with Bridget Fonda. I always liked the haunting struggle of the girl trying to come to terms with her fucked-up life, it echoed something in me for my own struggles. Ranger did seem to enjoy the movie too as I hoped he would, since I had deliberately steered clear of chick-flicks. He seemed intrigued with her training to become an assassin, although he critiqued some of the more obvious flaws in her techniques and he pointed out a couple of ways to do things more effectively.

I drove Ranger back to Rangeman, and headed back for another restless night of remembering the kisses and intimacy that seemed to be almost ready to explode between us. Ranger had to work the next day, Friday, and he was flying back to Trenton on Sunday for two days, before heading back to Atlanta. On Saturday, I told him to come over at 8am, and I would introduce him to the best French toast in Boston. I had come up with a good story for Mandy, the waitress at my favourite café. But I reminded Ranger to call me Shell, not Steph, and not to talk about anything about our past while we were there. Ranger was a good sport and even ordered the French toast, which he agreed was pretty good, although he didn't put any maple syrup or butter on it. Food wimp.

We went for another bike ride after breakfast. This time we rode just north of Medford to the Middlesex Fells Reservation, which had bike trails and hiking paths. Ranger and I didn't feel ready for any mountain-biking so we walked one of the less arduous hiking trails and stopped on the way back at a casual Mexican Taquería for a late lunch of tacos and beer.

Ranger asked to take me out again for dinner that night, somewhere special, so he left to head back to Rangeman, and I decided to pull out all the stops and dress up for Ranger. I had a midnight-blue silk dress that draped on me beautifully and skimmed my curves sensuously. It had a tulip hemline and came to a few inches above my knees. It also had a keyhole neckline that, along with Vicki's best push-up bra, made the most of my cleavage. I had mouth-watering matching blue satin FMPs with a five-inch heel. I pampered myself thoroughly with shaving, exfoliating, mani-pedi, a deep conditioning treatment on my hair and my favourite rose-vanilla body lotion and matching perfume. My hair was glossy and my makeup was flawless and I felt like I couldn't look any better – for me this was pretty much the pinnacle of glamour.

Ranger showed up looking heart-thumping in his Armani. He seemed to be at a loss for words for a moment at my appearance, but he recovered quickly to tell me how beautiful I looked. For once I felt no urge to disagree, tonight I felt beautiful.

We went to the Bristol Lounge at the Four Seasons Hotel, where I felt like a princess as Ranger led me through the fine-dining restaurant and we drew a large number of admiring looks from both men and women. We shared Maryland crab cakes and for entrée I ate a divine chicken dish made with stone fruits and toasted almonds, while Ranger enjoyed his seared halibut and we shared morsels off our forks. Ranger sipped his wine and smirked as I moaned my way through a Boston cream pie with coffee ice cream. It was a magical evening, and I was sad that it had to end, especially since Ranger would be leaving in the morning to head to Trenton and Atlanta.

At my apartment door, Ranger leaned in to kiss me, and his leg slid between mine as he pressed me against the wall and deepened the kiss. I moaned as another kind of pleasure shot through me and waves of desire flushed my body. Ranger drew back reluctantly, and leaned his arms either side my head as he rested his forehead against mine, obviously as affected as I was.

"Babe, leaving you here is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I want to do this right this time."

I sighed, but nodded, "I know Ranger. Not yet."

"Not yet. But soon, Babe, _soon_ ," he whispered. I nodded at that too. "Babe, don't forget you promised to find a way to come to the wedding. I'll text you the details on the invitation, and reply to say plus one, OK?"

"OK. And you promised to write to me. I'll write first, OK?"

"Yes. I promise I'll write back. And I'll be back up here in three weeks. I'll let you know exactly, when I've made the bookings."

I was reluctant to bring this up again, but I was determined to make it happen. "If I can get a couple of times from Janice for a video session appointment, can I text them through to you to see when you are available?"

"Yes Babe. I agreed and I'll stick to it. Send through the times and we'll find one that suits, OK?"

I smiled in relief and leaned forward to press my body against his hard body and my lips back against his. We kissed each other passionately until we broke apart, both panting in need.

"Oh god, Babe. I have to go or I'm not going to be able to." He pressed his lips briefly against my neck and whispered, "I love you Babe."

"I love you too Ranger."

He opened my door, and waited until I closed it behind me and he heard the lock click before he left.

 _Another night with no sleep._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Dear Ranger,_

 _I miss you a lot already. I have been riding my bike to the gym, and even went for another ride out to the Reservation one afternoon, but I still didn't feel like riding one of the paths, I just had a quick walk and rode home. It was better riding with you, I can't wait to see you again in two weeks and two days! :-)_

 _I have been thinking a lot about what we should write in these letters, and I would like to suggest something? We could write about one happy/interesting thing from our past and then answer one trickier question from the other? Then finish off with the next things we want the other to say? I hope you like this. I just thought it would help us talk to one another about a range of things and communicate. Let me know if you want to do it a different way, though. But, since it is my idea, I'll start. You haven't asked me any questions yet, so I'll just pick a couple of things at random. Well, sort of._

 _Anyway, let's pretend you asked me about how I always wanted to fly. Three memories come to mind most strongly about this. One is jumping off the roof when I was a kid – I'm sure I've told you that story. I broke my arm, which sucked, and I was grounded and lectured by my mom, which sucked even more. But for a few brief seconds, I felt like I flew. I felt like Wonder Woman._

 _Another memory is when Mary Lou and I used to play out our Peter Pan fantasies. This one is pretty funny actually, because ML always played normal girl roles – in other words she played Wendy – whereas, I always saw myself as Peter Pan. So we're running through the Burg, yelling 'I can fly! I can fly!' and we get to ML's place and she shouts 'Peter, come with me! Peter come home with me!' We were like seven or something, and her mom comes storming out of the house and starts ripping her a new one for bringing home a boy and inviting him in without asking permission. I'm trying not to laugh, and ML is trying to tell her mom what was happening, but her mom wouldn't let her get a word in edgewise. Mrs Molnar sends ML up to her room and sends me home, telling me to tell 'this Peter person' that ML wasn't allowed to play with him anymore. I thought it was really funny, but ML wouldn't talk to me for three days afterwards because she got in so much trouble._

 _Another kinda funny flying memory is when I was in college. My college roommate was called Toni and I convinced her on my birthday in sophomore year to go tandem skydiving with me. I was terrified of flying in a small plane, but we booked in and turned up at this airfield. I was freaking out when I saw the tiny little plane, but Toni freaked out big-time when they tried to strap her into the harness. She started hyperventilating and screaming bloody murder at the instructor when he was trying to help her. She nearly passed out, and they refused to take her up. Anyway, when she chickened out, I couldn't go up without her, so I chickened out as well. So I never went skydiving. But I still want to try again someday. Cause I still want to fly._

 _OK. Tricky stuff. Hmm. I'll pretend you asked me why I kept going back to Morelli. Wow, this is hard. Well, I guess you may already know some of this stuff from my journal, but I'm just going to answer it anyway. Janice has really helped me to see the major flaws in my relationship with Morelli. She agrees with you about how unhealthy it was! And I can see it now, looking back, but when I was_ _in_ _it, well… I guess it was a combination of things._

 _One was what Janice calls the 'relationship Stockholm syndrome'. Identifying with the guy who made my life a bit of a hell, on multiple occasions! She thinks it was a combination of guilt over the Tasty Pastry incident and all the crap I suffered after that from mom and others in the Burg. Add to that the whole adrenalin/bonding thing around saving his life (or at least his free life and career) when he was FTA, and she thinks I just let myself be drawn into thinking he was too much of my history, and therefore a big part of my future._

 _Another big part of it was mom, and her pressure to live the Burg life. Every time I thought I couldn't live with Joe's expectations and demands, and kick him to the curb, I'd go home and mom would say things like 'he's your last chance' or she'd try to set me up with some humongous loser who'd make Joe look like Jesus Christ in comparison. And the nagging, and relentless wearing down of my self-confidence was legendary. I'm not trying to make my mom out to be the devil – don't get me wrong – I could have grown up, grown a pair and just told my mom and Morelli to take a flying leap cause I didn't want to be what they wanted me to be. But it's hard to break free of parental pressure and influence. And she pushed me back to Morelli a lot._

 _The Burg influence was more than mom too. Just look at Mary Lou's life. Or Valerie's. They epitomise what I was raised to be. A mother who stays home, cooks, cleans her windows every week, joins the PTA, bakes cookies and gossips. It's fine if that's what you want for your life. But it stifled me. Still the weight of those expectations, and that influence was really strong when I lived in it. Morelli seemed like an easy option – he'd give me the kids, he already had the house and the dog, and everyone expected me to marry him and start to live the Burg dream. It took all the rude shocks of last year for me to realise that I couldn't do it. Morelli or no Morelli, that's not the life I am_ _ever_ _going to live._

 _Whew! Well, I hope that helps you understand some stuff about me a bit better. I hope you can write something back to me like this too._

 _Questions for you:_

 _1\. Fun/interesting question – Why are you called Ranger? And_ _don't_ _tell me it's because you were an Army Ranger – duh! There have to be thousands of Army Rangers – I mean Tank, Les and Bobby were Army Rangers too. So why, specifically, are_ _you_ _called Ranger?_

 _2\. Tricky question – I know that 'if onlys' and 'what ifs' are pretty pointless, but I can't help wondering sometimes why things had to go down the way they did. I guess this is not so much as question as something to think about – the worst thing you ever said to me. And_ _no_ _it's not what you are probably thinking. It's not anything you said to me when you moved to Atlanta. As much as all that hurt, I don't see what happened as your fault or because you said things to hurt me. No, Ranger, the worst thing you ever said to me was 'You need to fix your relationship with Morelli' the morning after you slept with me. Do you have any idea how devastating that was? Like you'd had your fun, now go back and be someone else's problem. Or like that wasn't as good as you thought it would be, so go back to the other guy for sex in future. So basically, I guess the question is WTF?_

 _Anyway, I really didn't want to end on such a downer note. Please don't see that as being the bad end to this letter. I guess it is just the first question that came to mind. Maybe we should do this the other way around – the tricky stuff first, then the happy stuff, so we end our letters on a high note?_

 _OK, here's the high note to end this one on. I miss you and I love you._

 _Love Steph._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Dear Babe,_

 _I miss you too Babe, and I am looking forward to seeing you – only a week and a bit now. I am happy you are finding things that make you happy and especially that you are finding ways you enjoy exercise. I don't know if I told you when I was there how proud I am of all you have been doing – well I am. Proud of you Babe. And you look_ _hot_ _doing Zumba! ;-)_

 _So, your questions. If you like, I'll do them the way you suggested. Tricky one first, then interesting/fun one._

 _Sending you back to Morelli. Easily rates as one of the top three things I most regret/biggest mistakes of my life. Babe, there's very little I can say as reasons, and nothing really excuses that shit. After you fell asleep that night, I just watched you sleep for like an hour. And lying there, watching you, I realised I could easily fall in love with you, and maybe I already was. So I ran, scared like a little dick. And I deliberately pushed you away, pushed you back to Morelli, because it was easy and convenient. Took me maybe two days to understand that it was a_ _stupid_ _thing to do. But I was too scared and proud and stupid to try and fix it. And then you_ _were_ _back with Morelli, and it was too late, or so I told myself._

 _No excuse Babe. Just a dumb, chickenshit, crappy, moronic thing to do. All I can say is sorry, and I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I certainly never meant to damage your confidence or self-image. You were AMAZING in bed that night – passionate, responsive, giving, sexy as hell, everything I could possibly have wanted and more. And I felt too much, not too little. If you'd come stomping up to me two days later and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK?!" at the top of your lungs, I might have even broken down and sobbed like a little bitch and begged you for a second chance. Well, maybe not, but I might have begged for the second chance! All I can say is sorry, and consider my ass kicked on that one._

 _The Ranger thing. Well, I'll need to go over a little history first, because the name is something I encouraged, and I want you to understand why. I was a screw-up as a kid, Babe. I've already told you a lot of this – a scrawny, dumb little shit who went looking for trouble and found too much of it. I really disappointed my parents, and I felt like I was pretty useless as a teenager. My grandma Bella was really strict and put me back on the straight and narrow in Miami, but she wasn't big on praise and affection. She was quick to tell me when I fucked up, but I don't think I ever heard her say 'well done'._

 _When I dropped out of college, well, I knew I'd disappointed everyone again. I went into the Army, and I worked my butt off, but I felt like one of the crowd. Yes, I was doing well, but I was still just a soldier. And getting Rachel pregnant and divorcing her, well that made me feel like I screwed all that up as well._

 _It wasn't until I was accepted into the Rangers I really started to feel like I could be anything different, or good. So I threw myself into it. I was_ _determined_ _to be the best – the fittest, the smartest, the best shooter, the best strategist, the 'ultimate Ranger'. And I succeeded. I blew everyone else away, or at least I set the bar for them to catch up. I tried not to be a dick about it, and Tank, Les and Bobby kept me grounded a bit, but it felt like a real accomplishment, an achievement, the first thing I ever really felt proud of._

 _I started going on missions for the Ranger and I had a nickname – we all did, although Tank is the only one who still uses his, because he hates his name. Mine was 'Panther'. And I was really proud of that – I was stealthy, dark, dangerous, lethal. I slipped in like a jungle cat and spread death (tongue in cheek here, in case you can't tell!). So I liked being called Panther, and I was – no false modesty – fucking brilliant at those missions. I had a phenomenal success rate and a rep for NOT getting my men killed or hurt. Everyone wanted to be on my team._

 _So then people started calling me 'The Ranger' or "The Ultimate Ranger' and I liked it Babe, I_ _really_ _liked it. Every time someone said anything like that I felt really proud. I felt like it was saying 'fuck you' to all the people who doubted me as a kid or a teenager. My parents, especially. But the ironic thing is, even if they understood any of this – which I really doubt they ever have – then they wouldn't have been proud of me for being the best, most lethal and dangerous Ranger ever. They hated that I went into the Army, into the Rangers, that I became a killer and mercenary._

 _Anyway, when I started working as a BEA and security specialist, I had to build my street rep. And it was easy, when I showed a few people my skills, and my Ranger reputation started to leak out. And I became known in those circles as 'The Ranger' as well. And then it became Ranger. And I went with it. It has served me well in all my work, and it has sort of become my work identity. Since that's how you met me, I guess it was natural to be that person to you too. And (as you have pointed out Babe) I basically work all the time and do not much else. So the more I work, the more I am Ranger._

 _But if you want to Babe, you can call me Carlos. You can even scream and moan it for me one day soon – I'd_ _really_ _like that! :-)_

 _OK, so questions for your next letter – or we can talk about them when I'm up there if you want to._

 _1\. Tricky question – Babe this one has been playing on me. Not trying to pressure you, or push things past where you're comfortable. Just curious I guess. This false identity and life in Boston – do you see it as a long-term thing? If not, what do you see for your future?_

 _2\. Fun/interesting thing – Can I take you skydiving Babe? I'm a certified jump master. And I'd_ _love_ _to help you fly! Think about it? Other than that, I love hearing all your funny childhood stories. Any of those will make me happy._

 _Love you, miss you, see you in ten days. Carlos._

* * *

 _AN: Google is an amazing tool for a fanfiction writer. Descriptions of places, directions, restaurant recommendations, menus, etc. But I have to say I have never even been to the U.S., let alone to any of the places I am writing about. So if I get anything wrong, or you think as a local, "What the f… is she talking about?", then please forgive me! Or you can review and correct me? (hint, hint) :-)_


	27. Chapter 27

_AN: Once again, thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Thanks for telling me about your holiday weekend – unfortunately it was a normal work week for me in Australia! I hope you enjoy this chapter too. :-)_

 _Sdesimone – I can't believe you do Zumba in a gym in Medford! That's so great. Next time you're there, I hope you can look across and imagine a glistening, mocha-latte sex god working out on the equipment nearby. I know I would! ;-)_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

* * *

Chapter 27.

I was waiting anxiously in my apartment, pacing and resisting the temptation to gnaw at my nails. It was Saturday 15 August, and it had been nearly four weeks since I had seen Ranger. He had delayed coming up this month for a week, since he was taking me back to Trenton for the wedding on the 22nd. I had taken the next week off work to spend with Ranger. He had promised me lots of surprises, starting today. We were going to be travelling to Trenton via New York, where we were going to spend a few days in the city. We were mostly going to just spend some time together doing some touristy things, but I was also going to see my stylist for another makeover to help protect my 'secret identity' as Ranger called it.

Scarily, we were also going to a face-to-face counselling session with Janice. We had had three video-chat sessions in the last couple of months, and they were going well. Ranger agreed with me that Janice was easy to talk to and her tips and strategies were helpful. Ranger had started his own therapy journal, as Janice couldn't know about a lot of the things he had seen and done that haunted him. She had encouraged Ranger to write about those things instead, and given him strategies to try and understand and accept them. By writing them in his journal and not sharing them in the sessions, he was protecting the national security, while still having an outlet for his frustrations and issues. He said it was helping. I wasn't entirely sure why the face-to-face session was so scary to me. I guess the video sessions were a little more… removed. A little easier to distance myself from intense emotions and difficult topics. Talking to Janice face-to-face with Ranger by my side, it was going to be impossible to hide.

Ranger's visit to Boston in July had been great. During the week, Ranger would come over at 7.30 each morning to go for a half-hour bike ride and then eat a late (for Ranger) breakfast, before he headed back to Rangeman and we would both work until about three or four in the afternoon. Then he would come back and we would ride to the gym. Dinners were always together, Ranger cooked some simple meals like stir-fry or risotto, or we would order in Italian or Thai or Chinese food.

On the weekend days we relaxed more, exploring parts of Boston that were new to both of us, and having leisurely meals together. On one Sunday, I even took Ranger down to Salem to meet up with Diesel and Lizzy for dinner, as Diesel knew Wulf was out of town that weekend. It had been awkward at first, but Diesel had become an important friend to me and I wanted to try to get past the awkwardness between the two alpha males. Lizzy helped since she knew none of the history, so she chattered innocently to me and Ranger and smoothed over some of the tense silences.

The sexual tension between us during that week continued to mount, and by the end of the week I was ready to jump Ranger. Or wear out a shower massager. I was so ready to say 'screw doing it right, let's just do it now!', but Ranger's legendary control seemed to preclude that. Sigh…

Our letters had continued to follow our pattern of revealing difficult truths and sharing funny, silly and intimate memories of our pasts. The letters had been wonderful, working as a catalyst to allow us to talk about things when we were together, or video-chatting with Janice. Janice had praised us for the letters, saying how important they were for opening up our communication and dealing with our histories both together and separately.

Sometimes the questions were uncomfortable and difficult to answer. Ranger's letter where he had asked me about my longer-term future with living in Boston had been one of those questions. I had been kind of living in limbo in Boston. It had been time out of life. I loved the work I was doing with researching for Diesel, and I was starting to love the other things I had built up in my life – the gym, my drawing class, cycling – even more so since Ranger had come back into my life again. But I was living day-to-day, week-to-week, without any kind of planning or thinking of a future.

Of course, Ranger the ultimate planner had forced me to face that. I had not known how I was going to answer him when he showed up at my door on his next visit, so I had turned to the one person I thought could help me think it through. Diesel.

 _Flashback…_

" _Diesel, when I came here, how long did you expect me to stay?"_

" _Hmm. Honestly, I thought you'd last maybe six months. I really saw this as a stop-gap measure to give you some breathing space after your big blow-up. I didn't expect you to stay this long. But you started to work on dealing with your issues, and I think this job and this life here has been good for you with that."_

 _I considered that, "How long do you think I should stay?"_

 _He looked at me, "I can't answer that Shell. Only you can know when you're ready to move on, however you may be ready to move on. But if you want my general opinion, I think you're starting to outgrow your own_ _personal_ _need for Shell Parkes. And with Ranger coming back into your life, I don't think you're going to want to keep living this life here much longer."_

 _I felt a wave of anxiety and a shudder of fear at the thought of leaving my carefully-built life here. "I can't go back, Diesel. I do know that. I can never go back."_

" _I know Shell, I know. I didn't mean go back to your old life or even necessarily go back to Trenton. I just think the time will come soon when you're going to want to be Stephanie Plum again."_

 _I nodded, "I can see it's only going to get harder and harder to be Shell Parkes with Ranger. He's trying, he's_ _really_ _trying. And I appreciate it. But so much of us is who we were together. And he wants us to spend time with the friends and family we had then too. I really can't keep doing that as Shell. The lies would get too complicated and I would trip myself up."_

" _Ultimately this is going to be your decision Shell. I can't see you living as Stephanie Plum here in Boston, though. There are too many risks of people who know you as Shell Parkes. So if it's not Trenton, you'd probably have to find another solution, another location."_

" _But what would I_ _do_ _Diesel?" I begged, "I don't think I want to go back to being a bounty hunter. I feel like I've walked away from that life, and, frankly I miss it a whole lot less than I ever thought I would. I like what I do for you. And I have to live in Boston to do that!"_

 _Diesel shook his head, "Only part of it Shell. You could do the computer research from anywhere. Maybe it would only be part-time, but with a laptop and a secure internet connection, you can do the research from any location. You'd have to keep everything locked-down and confidential. No sharing info with Ranger or Rangeman. And you couldn't be my assistant in the physical sense if you weren't in Boston. But the research work you have been doing is invaluable. We have located another three of the stones already with your help. That only leaves three more."_

" _What about when this job is over? What then?"_

" _Well, there might be other work for the BUM. For other agents as well as me. But I think what this boils down to Shell, is that you are going to have to figure out your future. I know you needed this time and space to work through your issues. But you can't hide here forever, and you need to start thinking about what you want. And, like you said, if what you want includes Ranger, then it can't continue to be here, as Shell."_

 _I sighed. I knew Diesel was right and this was the next big hurdle I would face. I just liked my comfortable little niche I had carved…_

When Ranger had come to visit me, I tried to explain all this to him as well. He had agreed with everything Diesel had said, and also offered me a job with Rangeman Atlanta. I had shaken my head at that though, I needed to forge my own way forward, not rely on Ranger to provide opportunities for me anymore. I told Ranger I needed more time to come up with plans for my future. I didn't want to rush this. He told me to take all the time I needed.

Now I continued to pace my apartment, hyped up with trying to think about my future, worrying about this upcoming visit to Trenton (needed Maalox by the gallon for that one), and also anxious/excited to see the 'surprises' that Ranger had planned for this week.

Finally, I heard the knock on my door, and I peeked through the peephole to see Ranger's 200 watt smile on the other side. I couldn't help but smile as I opened my door. Then my breath was stolen by seeing Ranger looking relaxed and incredibly sexy in jeans and a tight long-sleeved t-shirt. I was similarly dressed, on Ranger's instructions for my 'first surprise'.

He stalked into my apartment, pressing me back into a wall as he kissed me senseless. The way he moved, the way he looked with his mocha skin and almost-shoulder length black hair, he looked like the panther he had been nicknamed for. I couldn't help but tease a little as he let me up for air from his kisses.

"Hi there Panther," I breathed.

His eyes narrowed and darkened, "Playing with fire, Babe."

I pressed my body forward into the evidence of the fire and murmured against his lips, "So burn me, Panther."

He growled like his namesake and his eyes darkened further to obsidian. He pressed me even harder into the wall, and kissed me passionately, and the hard length of him almost seemed likely to split the zipper of his jeans.

Finally he drew back slightly, still throbbing against my body. "I would like nothing better than to burn you for hours Babe. But I have something special planned and we're going to be late if we don't leave soon."

Although I was disappointed ( _Duh! If he wasn't going to help I needed my shower massager…)_ I nodded in seeming understanding and allowed him to move away from me. I went to pick up my beaded bag, and felt myself spun back into contact with him again. Startled, I looked into his eyes, "But later, Babe, make no mistake. We will burn. And you'd better be ready for the blaze."

 _Well_ _that_ _didn't help the shower-massager situation!_

Ranger led me out of the apartment and helped me lock up. He led me to his Cayenne and, as we drove off, I tried to get Ranger to give me hints about this surprise. But it was like trying to get hints out of a brick wall. Ranger just grinned at me annoyingly and shook his head. We drove for about an hour and a half, crossing over into Rhode Island, and headed toward Smithfield.

Finally, Ranger pulled up at a small, private airport, and turned to me with a 1000-watter. I gaped at the small planes trying to come to grips with what this meant. I looked at him and stuttered, "This… uh… we're… r…really?"

"Really, really, Babe," he laughed, quoting Shrek. He got out, and came around to pull me out of my seat. "We can do this Babe," he reassured me. "I promise you I am a jump master. Hundreds of jumps. And the plane belongs to an old friend. I have permission to be your tandem partner. Trust me Babe, you're going to love it. You're going to fly today Steph."

I threw my arms around his neck and latched my lips onto his. "You know later, Panther?" I whispered. "That fire's gonna burn so hot!"

The next ninety minutes was both frustrating and nerve-wracking as Ranger introduced me to the crew, and they helped him to instruct me on all the procedures and safety precautions, and watched a video so I knew what to expect. I tried hard to pay attention, since I didn't want to cause Ranger any problems or let him down. Finally he led me over to the plane with the pilot and three other crew members. One would be jumping with us to take video, and another would be crewing the plane with the pilot. As we neared the tiny-looking plane, my heart started to pound and I gripped Ranger's hand like a vice. He leaned in and whispered reassurances and helped me climb into the plane.

As the plane taxied down the impossibly short runway and I heard the engine roar and felt the wheels start to lift, I gave up all pretence of calmness, and buried my face into Ranger's comforting shoulder. He rubbed my back and murmured soothing phrases as we climbed steadily. Finally, at a word from the plane crew member he stood, guiding me to my feet, and started to clip my harness to his. I could feel every part of me shaking in fear and a tinge of excitement. I couldn't believe after years of being afraid while flying in a plane, I was actually going to _jump out of one_. Voluntarily.

We moved to the door, and the crew member opened the jump door. I felt the rushing, roaring wind, and stood, semi-paralysed in the disbelief I was standing here. I barely heard a shout from the pilot and the crewman slapped Ranger on the shoulder. I focussed every ounce of my concentration on following all the instructions I had been given.

And jumped.

I directed my belly toward the ground and felt the unbelievable sensation of freefalling. I think the only thing that stopped me from freezing in fear was the feel of Ranger so close behind me. After maybe 20 seconds, I relaxed slightly and tried to focus on the sensations of the wind and the sights of the earth laid out below me in a patchwork map. If I ignore the thought that I was freefalling to earth, it was actually exhilarating. Then at a signal from Ranger, I braced myself for the bone-jarring jerk as the chute deployed. Suddenly we rose sharply up, and the sensation changed completely from the rushing fall to a slight sway and peaceful drift as we floated toward the ground.

Now _this_ was blissful. _This_ was perfect. _This_ was _flying_!

As the ground came rapidly towards us, I pulled up knees as I had been taught and Ranger took us down for a perfect (of course) landing right on the drop zone. I stood up and wobbled slightly at the feel of being on solid ground. Ranger unclipped the equipment and the harness, and I turned in his arms and threw my arms around his neck to kiss him senseless. Not that he was complaining. The grinning ground crew finally drove us apart with whistles and catcalls and Ranger and I grinned back at them.

"So, Babe, good?" he smirked.

"Oh Batman, best thing _ever!_ " I replied. This I looked at him and winked, "Well, maybe _second_ best thing ever!"

He laughed aloud at that. We packed up the equipment and walked over to the hangar to get changed out of all the gear and wait for the plane to land. The crew worked to put out a simple late lunch of sandwiches and sodas and by the time the plane landed, we sat around a table and ate while I rhapsodized about the jump and Ranger smiled at me indulgently.

Eventually, the cameraman handed me the DVD of our jump, and we bid the crew farewell, and Ranger headed back to Medford. For once, I didn't fall asleep in the car, but I turned in the seat and leaning my head against the seat back, I watched Ranger as he drove us back to me place. Ranger didn't seem to mind my scrutiny, and let me sit in my own version of a 'zone' as he found his own. At one point, I reached over to rub my hand on his thigh, and he clasped my hand in his own and held it on his thigh. I smiled.

We arrived back at my apartment at about 4pm, and Ranger took my hand again as we walked up to my apartment. We went in and he looked at me. "So what do you want to do before dinner Babe?" he asked. "Do you want to go for a ride? To the gym?"

I looked at him and allowed my eyes to smoulder, "Oh no Batman." I shook my head. "You promised me fire."

With that I turned toward my bedroom and started pulling off my t-shirt. Once I was clad only in my bra, I looked over my shoulder to see him looking stunned and unmoving. I reached back to unhook my bra, and he seemed to snap out of it instantly, and met my eyes with blazing passion.

"It's time to burn Panther."

* * *

 _AN: So next chap will be SMUT! Smut warning! My first try at this, so please bear with me. :-P I've never been skydiving :-( (bucket list) so I'm just going off others' descriptions. Apologies for any errors._


	28. Chapter 28

_AN: So, SMUT warning! It's my first attempt at this, so I hope you enjoy it. I liked writing it… ;-)_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

* * *

Chapter 28.

 _With that I turned toward my bedroom and started pulling off my t-shirt. Once I was clad only in my bra, I looked over my shoulder to see him looking stunned and unmoving. I reached back to unhook my bra, and he seemed to snap out of it instantly, and met my eyes with blazing passion._

" _It's time to burn Panther."_

Ranger followed me into my bedroom like a puppy. I gave him another smouldering look over my shoulder as I discarded my jeans, bra and panties. I smiled slyly as I moved into the bathroom. I was a little shocked when Ranger stopped in the doorway behind me and leaned against the frame, instead of following me to the shower. I realised he was still completely dressed too.

I decided to apply a little more incentive, "I'm told you're good in the shower Batman," I said seductively.

"Oh I am Babe." He still didn't move.

I pouted, "Well, I'm yet to experience these mad skills Batman, perhaps you should show me?"

He looked a little uncomfortable. I wasn't sure it was the bulge in his jeans that was causing it, however. "I don't think that's a good idea Babe," he replied.

This time I tried to put even more seductively, "Why not?" I slid into a grin, "I promise to make it worth your while."

He smiled at that, "Babe, if I get into that shower with you, I don't think I'll be able to stop."

"So?" I coaxed.

He sighed, "Steph, I only have one condom on me, and I really don't want to waste it on a quickie in the shower. I intend to make it last as long as I can," he smirked.

I had been adjusting the shower temperature, but I changed my mind and turned it off. I wrapped myself in a towel and turned and gave Ranger a small smile. I brushed past Ranger back into the bedroom and took his hand and led him to the bed to sit.

"We'll get back to the shower in a few minutes Ranger," I smiled. I took a deep breath, "First I'm going to tell you something I don't usually share. I'm on the shot Ranger. Actually I've been on the pill, then the shot since just after you first met me." He looked surprised I had never mentioned it.

"I…I have a really bad hormonal reaction with PMS. I'm not talking about what most women get. I'm talking cramps like I'm passing kidney stones and wild fluctuations in my hormones. Screaming like a banshee one minute and crying like somebody died the next. I'm close to impossible to live with. When I was a teenager, my dad used to flee the house, and a couple times my mom locked me in my room to get away from me. Dickie used to call me the 'fucking psycho bitch'. And I…I wouldn't let him near me when I had PMS, so that was one of his excuses for cheating on me. After that, with Morelli and you… well, I just didn't trust anyone. I had to go on the pill to even everything out, but there were lots of times when I was working for Vinnie when I couldn't afford the pill. Mom used to pay when I couldn't afford it. It was really humiliating because she used to tell me she had to do it, or else no man would ever want me long enough to stick around."

Ranger looked livid at more evidence of my mother's emotional abuse. He put his arm around my shoulders, "She's wrong Babe," he said quietly. "I would have stuck around."

I shook my head, "You just don't know Ranger. It's a massive problem for me. It…It's one of the reasons I don't really want kids. My doctor told me I would probably be no worse than the normal pregnant woman with hormones if I was pregnant. But when I asked how I got a man to stick around long enough to _get_ me pregnant if I was off birth control, he had no answer for me."

"You know I don't really care if I don't have any more kids Steph. I am happy just with you."

I sighed. "Well anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that we don't need to use condoms for birth control. I always made Morelli use condoms because I didn't really trust him. Not to not cheat on me, and not to not take advantage, you know? I worried he'd feel justified to call me a hormonal, psycho bitch if we had an argument…"

I shook my head to clear the Morelli memories. I took another deep breath, "And with you, well, I…" I blushed fiercely.

"What Babe?"

"I'm sorry Ranger, but you…you're a sexy, rich, incredibly good-looking guy. I just didn't know who else was in your bed. I knew I had no right to even question it, so I never did." I grimaced wryly, "Even if it made me _really_ jealous. But I didn't want to assume…"

He pressed a gently finger against my lips, "I'm not saying I've always been a monk Babe. But I haven't slept around or picked up girls in bars since I left the Army. And I've _always_ been faithful the few times I _was_ in a relationship. Even with Rachel, when it wasn't a real relationship." He reached over with his finger to tilt my chin up to look me in the eye, "I haven't slept with another woman since about a year before Hawaii Babe, I swear. Plus I'm completely clean – checked out every six months."

I looked at him in the eye and whispered, "Me too. I mean, I've been checked out and cleared too, since Morelli. The pill was becoming a bit of a pain, since I used to forget it sometimes, so I changed to the shot once I moved to Boston, and had a steady income."

He leaned in and kissed me gently. "So are you saying you trust _me_ Stephanie? I know I damaged your trust in me. Are you saying you can trust me again? Trust me with no condoms, and more importantly, with _you_?"

I nodded, "Yes. I trust you Carlos."

His eyes went instantly black and he stood swiftly and picked me up from the bed. By the time we had reached the shower, he had somehow managed to strip my towel and all his clothes, while still kissing me passionately. I felt him press me into the shower wall, while he ran the water to a comfortable temperature. Our tongues danced and duelled and I began to run my hands down his incredible chiseled eight-pack, and around to his muscled back. His hands reached for the shower gel, and he broke the kiss to lean back and lather up.

He grinned at me wickedly, "Time for the mad-skills demonstration Babe." He started to wash every inch of my body slowly, thoroughly, skimming over the parts that ached for his touch the most. I felt the wet heat that had nothing to do with the shower dripping onto my thighs. I became almost incoherent with need, as his hands soaped my body, but refused to cup my aching breasts or delve into my dripping centre. He moved me slightly to underneath the shower spray to rinse the suds off, and lathered up again to wash my hair.

I smiled at him as he began to massage my scalp gently. I pressed my body against his wickedly as I leaned over to pour some of the shower gel onto my own hands. I hesitated slightly as the rose-vanilla scent drifted to my nose and I looked up at him. "I'm sorry it's not Bulgari, Batman. I love the way you smell of Bulgari."

"I _so_ don't care Babe. But I'll bring some more next time. I love it when you smell like me, in every way." He bent his head to kiss and nibble at my neck, as he continued to massage my hair. I began to run my soap-slick hands over his incredible torso and thighs. Like him, I skimmed deliberately past his engorged cock without touching it. In retaliation, he bit down on the sensitive skin inside my collar-bone and sucked, marking my shoulder. I shuddered. He manoeuvred us again so the water rinsed my hair and his body, and kissed me again as the water washed away the bubbles.

He began to kiss me down my chest and skimmed around each breast. I was panting as his tongue circled each nipple. "Ranger, _please_!" I begged breathily. Finally his hot mouth engulfed one breast, and his hand cupped the other. His teeth grazed my nipple, and his fingers tweaked the other and he felt me shudder and gasp as the sudden sensation jolted to my centre and I moaned deeply. His other hand reached down to cup my mound lightly, and his finger stroked up and down my slit ever-so-gently.

I was aching for the passion, and I desperately wanted more than the gentleness. I moaned "Ranger" again, and suddenly, he pressed his finger past my lips and onto my clit. I screamed and came explosively from just the sudden touch, and the feel of his mouth and hand on my breasts.

I could feel him smile against my breast as he continued to kiss my skin gently while he waited for my shudders to subside. Then his mouth moved from my breast and I moaned again softly from the loss. He began to kiss down my body and his tongue dived into my belly button. He kissed lower and lower until he came to my dripping slit. He knelt on the shower floor and looked up at me wickedly, as his finger continued to stroke lightly over my slit. Then he bent his head again and began to kiss my outer lips. His tongue slid slowly deeper and deeper with each pass over my mound, until his hands gently parted my lips, and he plunged his tongue into my core. I cried out at the sensation, and felt my knees weaken as I leaned into him. One of his hands steadied my hips, as he replaced his tongue with two fingers from the other hand as he began to kiss and lick around my clit, again without touching the part that ached for him most.

He began to pump his fingers slowly inside me, adding a third, then his mouth finally settled on my aching clit and he began to suck and lick as I moaned and gasped. His teeth very lightly grazed my clit as he began to pump his fingers into me harder, and I screamed his name as I exploded into my second orgasm. Ranger kept pumping and kissing until my body steadied again before removing his fingers and looking up at me while licking his fingers clean. I almost came again at that sight, and he stood up slowly, sliding his body against mine as he grazed his lips up my torso to finally kiss me deeply. I could taste myself on his mouth and he looked into my eyes as he kissed me.

He reached to shut off the shower, but I stopped him with a hand on his chest. He quirked an eyebrow at me, and I smiled back wickedly to indicate it was my turn, and I started to follow the same path down his sculpted chest with my mouth. I followed his example and licked circles around his rock-hard nipples before drawing one between my lips to suck and nibble lightly while one hand tweaked the other nipple. I changed over and felt a deep shudder run through him, as he gasped "Babe!"

I moved lower, imitating his actions with his belly button, before kissing down his body to his thighs, as I knelt on the floor. I skimmed lightly over one thigh, before switching over to the other. His hands tangled into my hair, holding and stroking without moving my head or forcing me to hurry. I looked at his impressive erection. Ranger was _extremely_ well-endowed and I licked my lips unconsciously at the feast before me. I looked up at his obsidian eyes as I leaned in and licked him from the base to the tip. I maintained the eye contact as I allowed my tongue to circle the tip of his cock before leaning over and engulfing the head with my mouth. There was no way I could take him all in and I used one hand to grasp the base while I swirled my tongue over the tip, and sucked as much as I could into my mouth. I could feel his shudder again, and hear him moan, "Babe."

Suddenly he reached down and grasped me under my arms to pull me roughly up his body. His desperation was very clear as he lifted me and leaned me against the shower wall. He kissed me frantically, and lifted me further to impale me on his throbbing cock. I wrapped my legs around his hips and arched my back at the intense feeling of him inside me. He once again began to kiss and suck on my neck as he drove into me, stretching me with his girth and filling me with his length as he pumped into me against the wall. I could feel the heat building again quickly, as he held me and pounded into me repeatedly, until I called out "Carlos!" and came squeezing and milking his cock with my contractions until he exploded within me in his own release.

Slowly he let my legs slide down, and he leaned against me panting and shuddering still as our orgasms slowly subsided. He was still buried within me, and he kissed me gently and lifted one hand to gently push back my wet hair off my face. We realised the water still streaming over us had cooled a lot and this time, I didn't object as he turned the water off. I gave a regretful moan as he slid out of me and guided me out of the shower. He reached over to the stack of towels on the shelf near my shower, and wrapped one around my hair. He took another and began to pat me dry. I took a towel too, and imitated him. We dried each other off, and he gently rubbed the worst of the moisture out of my hair before we moved into the bedroom.

Ranger lifted me onto the bed and lay down next to me. I could see and feel that he was still almost hard, despite the powerful orgasm we had just experienced. I turned onto my side facing him and pressed my body against him as I looked into his eyes.

"I love you Carlos," I murmured.

"God, but I love you Stephanie," he replied. "So much, I don't think I know how to love anyone this much."

I kissed him gently, "We'll learn together Carlos." I slid my arms around him to hug him close, and felt his renewed erection press against my belly. I arched one eyebrow at him and allowed a slight, wicked smile to curve my lips. "Happy to be here, Batman?"

He returned my smile, "Well I _could_ be happier." He lifted my leg over his hip and plunged into me again. "Ahhh, _much_ happier." He whispered. I moaned, and shivered as his lips and tongue again began to tease and torment me, and we began round two, of what I knew would be a _very_ long night.

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 _AN: Please review. I love your reviews, whether they're just a couple of words of encouragement or some thoughtful ideas. :-)_


	29. Chapter 29

_AN: Apologies for the delay in posting. I am on holidays! So am enjoying some other activities (going whale-watching today!), and posting only irregularly. :-) Warning for a little more smut in this chapter… ;-)_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

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Chapter 29.

I sat in Ranger's car trying very hard not to hyperventilate. We were sitting outside the restaurant in Trenton where Bobby and his fiancé Cathy were about to hold their rehearsal dinner. I wasn't coping well at the thought of facing all the Rangeman friends I had left behind almost a year ago. _God, I hope they forgive me._ Ranger was rubbing my back soothingly, and whispering that they were going to be happy to see me, but it wasn't really working. I knew Tank and Lester already knew I was coming as Ranger's 'plus one' but I was really nervous and worried about Bobby's reaction.

We had driven to New York the next day after our sky diving adventure, and Ranger had continued his efforts to surprise me. We had driven down in his Ferrari – _who knew Ranger had a Ferrari!_ – and we arrived at The Peninsular New York hotel. The sheer luxury of the suite that Ranger had booked blew my mind, I was pretty sure I could fit my entire apartment into the bathroom. I had never experienced anything like it before in my life. Ranger had arranged for an afternoon at the hotel's spa, and I was completely boneless after the pampering, but I forced myself to dress myself in the stunning turquoise Versace one-shoulder dress he left on the bed with matching Manolo Blahnik pumps. He took me to dine at an exquisite restaurant where I once again felt like a princess.

The second day in New York started with our early appointment with Janice. I had been extremely nervous, but my fears appeared to be unfounded as Ranger relaxed into the session quite quickly, and Janice had praised us both for our efforts at communication via the letters and our attempts to explore some of the difficult issues and challenges in our relationship. I had been amused at Janice's stifled reaction to Ranger – she had masked her shock quickly, but the widened eyes and tiny gasp had given her away. I guess that the video-chat sessions had not done him justice, but a woman would have to be dead not to react to Ranger's allure when faced with his raw sexuality.

After our appointment, Ranger's next surprise had been a gourmet 'tasting tour' through Chinatown and Little Italy. I had been in heaven sampling the foods and hearing the fascinating history titbits that the tour guide had shared. Our second night we relaxed in our suite, enjoying the Jacuzzi tub and ordering a decadent room service meal. It was topped off with the best chocolate mousse I had ever eaten, but I managed to surprise Ranger with my new way to eat it! He agreed that desserts could be amazing…

Each night had been unforgettable, as Ranger took me to new heights of passion and drove me to almost constant orgasms for hours in the sumptuous bed. We were unable to get enough of each other but neither of us had any complaints. My quota of Ranger-induced orgasms was being topped up, but I was beginning to realise how hard it was going to be when he left me this time. When he left for Atlanta, I knew it was going to be the hardest farewell yet.

Our last full day in New York, Ranger had managed to completely surprise me. He had arranged for a two-hour class in the morning at the New York Trapeze School! We had spent two hours learning to fly! I was shocked that Ranger had wanted to do the class with me, but he really seemed to enjoy it, and of course his natural athleticism meant he did it well. I had been somewhat less graceful at first, but by the end of the class, even I was managing to fly from the bar to catch the flyer's hands. I fell a few times, but I learned quickly that the falls into the net were not painful. Falling even seemed to help, as I gained confidence once I was sure that I could fall and be OK. The experience had been almost as good as skydiving and Ranger's efforts to help me live out my dream to fly had brought me to tears. No other man in my life, not even my father, had ever done so much to help me fulfil my dreams. My heart felt like it would burst as I tried to show Ranger how much I loved him for it.

In the afternoon, I had left Ranger at the hotel for a couple of hours to travel to my stylist appointment. We had discussed my dilemma of trying to protect my cover in Boston, while looking like myself in Trenton, and my stylist had put a temporary colour through my hair to bring it almost back to my natural colour, and then taught me three different up-styles that I could enhance with a curling iron to simulate my natural hair. I had taken out my contacts, and I was amazed at how easy it seemed to take me back to the Stephanie Plum look with a few simple, professional tricks. My stylist had also given me a few outfits for my 'Stephanie look', including a gorgeous sapphire blue silk dress for the wedding.

In terms of going back to looking like Stephanie Plum, I seemed to be all set. Now if only I could find the courage to _go back_ _to Trenton_ , I would really be set.

"Babe?" I looked over at him, still trying to regulate my breathing. "We really need to get inside Babe. I am one of the groomsmen for this wedding."

I nodded and allowed Ranger to get out of the car to come around to open my door. I had been surprised, although I'm not sure why I was surprised, when Ranger had informed me he was to be a groomsman, along with Tank, while Lester was the best man. If I had thought about it, it was totally logical, but I was still surprised when Ranger told me he was in the wedding. I had been even more anxious when I thought that I would not be able to sit with Ranger at the wedding or the reception, but Ranger had somewhat relieved my fears when he told me it wasn't going to be a formal reception, but more of a cocktail party with finger foods and no assigned seating. Ranger had promised to seat me with Hal and Cal and their dates and Tank's girlfriend in the church.

Ranger took my arm to lead me into the restaurant, and I continued to fight down the dread of facing Bobby, who could have every reason to resent my sudden appearance at his wedding after a nearly year-long absence from his life. I took a deep breath as we walked into the restaurant. The murmurs of noise gradually dimmed as we walked towards the tables already full of burly Rangemen and their dates, with a group of family members for Bobby and Cathy. The Rangemen had open mouths, while the women and family members seemed bemused and a little confused at the sudden, shocked silence that fell over the tables.

Then I heard a delighted shriek of " _Stephanie!_ " and I braced myself as Ella leapt up and barrelled over to throw her arms around me. Tears welled in my eyes as I hugged Ella, but she wasn't allowed to monopolize me for long, as I started to be passed around on a bewildering merry-go-round of bone-crushing hugs and ecstatic greetings. I sighed in joy as I felt Tank's massive arms around me, and the tears trickled down my cheeks, ruining my mascara as Bobby grabbed me and swung me around with his own crushing hug. Ranger watched in amusement as all the Rangemen took turns greeting me, and babbled questions at both of us that we didn't even attempt to answer in the melee.

Finally Ranger called for order and slid his arm back around me, and led me to the table telling everyone to remember that this was Bobby and Cathy's night. After that, the meal proceeded on track for the couple and we deflected questions about how we had reconnected and where I had been by continuing to draw the focus back to Bobby and Cathy. Lester and Tank helped as much as they could by initiating funny stories about Bobby and his times in the Army and at Rangeman.

After the formal part of the evening was concluded, I whispered to Ranger and walked over to ask Cathy if I could 'borrow' Bobby for a while. She agreed with a smile, and I led Bobby over to the bar, and ordered us both a glass of champagne so I could toast his upcoming wedding. I was toying with my glass, trying to think of how to start my conversation with Bobby when he spoke.

"So, I know Lester and Tank pretty well, and I can tell they weren't surprised to see you like everyone else. Wanna tell me how they knew? Come to that, how did Ranger find you? And why didn't he tell me?"

I sighed, "Ranger ran into me by accident a few months ago. I'm living near Boston and he was in my area on Rangeman business. It was a complete coincidence. But I'm living there under a new name and identity that need to be kept confidential, as I have clauses in my employment contract. So Ranger couldn't tell anyone. But our initial… reconnection… didn't go very well. Ranger was being… Ranger… and I've been trying to move on to rebuild my life. Having therapy and trying to work my shit out. So he screwed up things pretty royally and I basically told him he was an asshole and to get lost."

I sipped my champagne before continuing, "Well, you know he started drinking himself into an early grave, and that's kinda the reason. Lester stumbled onto a couple of pieces of info about me while Ranger was passed-out drunk one night that helped him and Tank to track me down. So he came to see me and helped convince me to talk to Ranger again. We started writing to one another and we've kinda been rebuilding our relationship I guess. I've managed to get him to start opening up to me, and we've been trying to go a bit slower and trying to work out all our crap together to build something solid I hope. I've even managed to talk him into some therapy with me…"

I looked up at Bobby. His head was turned toward the table where Cathy was sitting and his expression was unreadable. "Bobby, I… I'm so sorry for everything I did that hurt you. When I left Trenton I was a mess, and my employment is… unusual. So I kinda had to cut ties with everyone back here. But I know that I hurt a lot of people, including you guys at Rangeman. I'm sorry that Ranger and I didn't tell you we had reconnected, but things are still pretty new between us, and like I said, my work is kinda tricky. He asked me to come with him to the wedding a while back, but I had to figure it out with my bosses and work out the logistics…"

I took another deep breath, "If you… if you don't want me at your wedding tomorrow, I'll understand. It's totally your call, and I won't let Ranger interfere or override your decision. But I hope you can forgive me eventually. I'd love to dance at your wedding and toast you and Cathy, if you will let me."

Tears were threatening again, and I had turned away from Bobby to try and hide them. I could see Ranger looking increasingly anxious as he watched us across the room. Suddenly I felt myself being swept up into another rib-cracking hug by Bobby, and I turned back to face him.

"Bomber, I'd be honoured to have you dance at my wedding," he assured me. "I wish I knew that you and Ranger were seeing each other again, but only because I want you both to be happy. Maybe I should have known, seeing the change in Ranger the last couple of months, but I guess I have had other things on my mind!" I smiled at him. "I'm glad about the therapy too, although totally shocked you managed that. I've been trying to get him to go since we left the Army, but he just wouldn't. Guess you're more important to him than his pride, just so you know that."

He continued, "If I had known where you were, I would have sent you your own invitation to the wedding. So _of course_ I want you to come. It will be the icing on the cake for me."

I couldn't help as a tear slid down my cheek again, and I hugged him and kissed his cheek. I took a shaky breath, "Well then, you'd better get back to your lovely bride and your families. I've monopolised the groom enough. Thank you for inviting me Bobby. Save me a dance tomorrow?"

"Count on it Steph." He kissed my cheek and walked back to Cathy. Moments later, I felt another arm slide around my waist, and I turned, surprised, as I could see Ranger talking to Cathy's father. I smiled up at Tank.

"God it's good to see you Steph," he said. "You had us really worried this last year little girl."

I felt guilty at that, "I know Tank and I'm really sorry for that. Ranger told me how you had all searched for me, and I know it must have been difficult. I made a lot of mistakes, but I have been trying to rebuild my life. I've been trying to figure out a lot of my shit…"

Tank grunted, "I wasn't thinking it was all on you little girl, he's pretty screwed up too." I chuckled at that. "I'm not mad at you Steph, I understand that you needed to get right away from all the shit here. I'm just glad you've both finally pulled your heads outta your asses and you're trying to figure things out. I hope it works out for you two. It's been a long time coming."

I smiled a slightly misty smile at him and took a deep breath, "So where's this amazing girlfriend I've heard so much about? I wanted to meet her."

Tank smiled goofily, "Emergency at her clinic, dog got hit by a car. But she'll definitely be there tomorrow, I've got you sittin' beside her at the wedding. Hopin' you'll keep an eye on her for me while I'm up there in the monkey suit."

I grinned, "Oh sure. I've got tons of stories to keep her entertained. My favourite is the porn shop lady and her lethal knee… Arghhh!" I yelped as Tank swept me up in his arms and swung me around. "Uncle! Uncle!" He set me back down with a big grin, gave me a kiss on my cheek and sauntered off."

This time the arms that came around me were Lester's. "Beautiful, I've got to hand it to you. You're amazing." I quirked my eyebrow at him enquiringly. "I would never have believed you could have turned everything around with him so quickly. He's a different person from a couple of month ago. And he told me you'd talked him into therapy which we've all been trying to do for years. And he hasn't had a drop of alcohol in his place since the day he read your letter, not even wine. So you're amazing, honey."

I smiled at Lester, "I'm so glad you tracked me down the way you did and talked me into writing to him again. It was the best decision I've ever made and I don't know if I would have got there without you. So thank you Les."

He gave me a smacking kiss on my lips, and I felt an arm come around my waist to pull me back against a hard body I recognised. "Mine!" Ranger growled, "Get your own!" Lester just grinned at us both, and walked away chuckling. I turned in his arms and shook my head at him amusedly. He responded with a passionate kiss that lasted until I heard a few catcalls and a couple of whistles from some of the braver Rangemen. When Ranger looked up with a scowl, they all tried to look innocent, with little success. Finally, he relented and grinned at them.

The rest of the evening went by in a blur of catch-up conversations and reminiscences. I even had a stilted half-conversation with Hector, who still managed to convey his pleasure that I was OK and his admiration for how well I had hidden. When we finally left the restaurant, I was feeling enormously relieved and very happy that I had managed to reconnect with my friends. I had missed them so.

The next day at the wedding, I felt breathless every time I looked at Ranger in his Tuxedo. He was phenomenally, gorgeously edible and I had to check several times for drool. I could see several other women looking at him longingly, as well as the three other delicious men beside him. I felt like standing up and shouting that they were all taken except Lester! I sat beside Soo-jin, Tank's new girlfriend and found her to be a warm and sweet woman, who obviously adored animals as much as Tank did. They seemed to be well-matched, despite the difference in their sizes and backgrounds. I did manage to share a couple of Tank stories with Soo (as she told me to call her) although I steered clear of any that involved Lula, not knowing what Tank had told Soo.

The reception was fun, as I ate the delicious hors d'oeuvre that were circulating, plus a large piece of the heavenly, luscious wedding cake, and I sipped the French champagne that I suspected Ranger had supplied. Most of the Rangemen and a few of their dates all told me that I was looking great, and we chatted and I tried to dodge their questions about where I had been and what I had been doing. I escaped to dance with Ranger, and we moved together like we were made to dance. I also danced with Bobby, Tank, Cal, Hal, Hector, and with Lester twice. Ranger danced with Cathy and Soo and Bobby's mother, but other than that seemed to ignore the women who tried to flirt with him, instead watching me like a hawk as I danced with the Rangemen. I had a fantastic evening, and I felt like I was floating on air as we drove back to our hotel. I had asked Ranger if we could stay in a hotel, as I didn't feel quite ready to stay with him at Haywood Street yet.

As we walked into the luxury suite, Ranger turned me in his arm and pressed me back against the door. He growled at me as he ran his hands over my silk-clad body. Several minutes later my lips were much puffier, and I was wearing only my panties, and Ranger was wearing only his trousers, before he lifted me and carried me to the king-size bed. His mouth continued to drive me crazy and my gasps and moans seemed to drive him on until he ripped my panties from my body and dove into the Promised Land with his hungry mouth. I climaxed as his tongue and teeth grazed over my clit, and continued to come in shuddering gasps as he sucked and drank from my centre.

He stood briefly to divest himself of his dress trousers, before he moved over me to position himself at my entrance. We looked into each other's' eyes without speaking, allowing our passion and our love to speak for us, as he slowly pushed into me. The passion continued to build as we held our gaze and he began to move within me more rapidly, until we exploded together and rainbow lights seemed to dance in front of my eyes. He collapsed onto me for a couple of minutes, before rolling over and bringing me over on top of him, still joined with me intimately. I could feel him hardening again inside me, and I smiled wickedly into his eyes as I began clenching my inner muscles to squeeze and tease him. He smiled back and slid one hand down to tease my clit, while the other began to pinch and rub at my nipples. I felt myself building quickly to another orgasm as we moved together in ecstasy.

When I finally fell asleep a couple of hours later, my last hazy thought had been that it was a magical evening, topped off with several Ranger-induced orgasms to put the icing on _my_ cake!

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 _AN: I hope you will review, I love your reviews. Next chapter is more reunions, ML, grandma and the parents. Not sure yet how the reunion with her mother could go – probably angsty I am thinking…_


	30. Chapter 30

_AN: Sorry to all my loyal readers for the long hiatus. My holidays have been very enjoyable, but they seemed to induce a small case of 'writer's ennui' for me (not really a block, just an unwillingness to write… ;-) ) Sorry! Anyway, I'm back, and I hope to post a couple of chapters this weekend. We're on the home stretch for this story too, and I'm looking forward to the HEA! :-)_

 _Bit of angst here, but what do you expect with Helen Plum? Nasty cow…_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

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Chapter 30.

The next day, I sat outside Mary Lou's house. I was trying again not to hyperventilate, while thinking to myself this was becoming a permanent condition for me – this state of impending nervous breakdown at facing my friends. I was yet to face my family; I had decided to wait until everyone was home from church and Ranger had promised to come with me for that. I decided I wanted to face Mary Lou on my own.

I took one last deep breath and got out of the car. I walked around to the passenger side door and carefully lifted out the box on the seat. I had picked up a strawberry cheesecake, which is Mary Lou's favourite, hoping somehow it might soften the inevitable harangue I was facing for disappearing for a year without contacting her. At least I was desperately hoping all I would get would be an angry rant, I wasn't sure I would be able to take it if Mary Lou simply refused to speak to me.

I knocked on the door tentatively, wondering what I would say if Lenny or the kids answered. I had a speech rehearsed for Mary Lou, but I was only now realising that it may not be Mary Lou I was facing. I gave a small huff of relief when the door opened to her. She stared at me for endless minutes, while I took another deep breath to begin stuttering my begging apology.

"Mary Lou, I…I…I'm so s…" I gasped as she suddenly threw herself at me. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to turn my hand holding the cake box away slightly, or we would both have been wearing the cheesecake. Mary Lou launched herself into my arms and started sobbing.

"Oh Steph… oh Steph…" she cried over and over. By now I was bawling too, and I barely noticed as someone took the cake box out of my hand and I was able to wrap my arms around Mary Lou and we held each other while we sobbed. Eventually the storm eased for us both and we sniffled and wiped our streaming faces as she finally led me into the kitchen.

We collapsed onto the kitchen chairs and each took a handful of tissues from the box that Lenny thoughtfully placed in front of us. I smiled up at him a soggy thank you, and he gave me a rueful smile in return, before hugging Mary Lou and telling her he was going to go and play with the boys in the backyard for a while to leave us to talk. We were both still silent as we wiped our eyes and blew our noses.

Finally, I was able to speak again, I _needed_ to say this, "Mary Lou, I'm so s…sorry. I've…I've made so many mistakes, and I should have found a way to stay in contact with y…you. Please believe me that I regret that so much. If I could go back and change it…" I had to pause to take a breath, I had rushed through the speech without breathing to try and get through it.

Mary Lou drew a shuddering breath, "I'm sorry too Steph. I've gone over and over the last time I spoke to you. I've wished so many times I had just handled things differently. I could see how upset you were and I wasn't very sympathetic. I guess… I guess having my own children, my sympathy went to Joe's baby first, and all I was seeing was how important it would be for the child to have both its parents. But that wasn't very loyal to you."

"Oh no, I've _never_ blamed you for anything you said that day Lou. And a lot of it… you were right. I was being pretty selfish seeing only my own pain. And you were right too that my pain wasn't even that bad over Joe. I found that out when Ranger… well, that was when I knew what _real_ pain felt like. Joe was mostly humiliation and shock. I've… I've been having therapy, the whole year I've been away, and I can see so many things more clearly now than I did back then. Joe and I, we were… just wrong. And Ranger and I were majorly messed up too. I was basically just a mess, and then every part of my life seemed to fall apart at once. I needed someone to help me find my way back, and as much as I love you, it could never have been you. You have Lenny and the boys and they need you too much. Lucky for me, I found someone willing to help me."

"Who? Where have you been?"

"It was Diesel. I know you never really met him, but he's really special. He's become one of my closest friends. He kinda picked me up, took me away from all the mess, and helped me get the real help I needed. I… I'm really sorry Lou, but I can't tell you where I'm living at the moment. I have confidentiality clauses in my employment contract and I was only able to come back to Trenton to visit by agreeing not to reveal my new identity or home."

"So, you… you're not staying here?" Mary Lou asked almost inaudibly.

"No, Lou I can't stay," I sighed. "I…I don't think I'll ever come back to Trenton to stay. I'm not sure what my future holds, or where it will happen at this point but I'm very sure it's not in Trenton. I do have so much to tell you, though…"

Mary Lou looked upset at my declaration that I was not coming home and a few tears escaped again, but she smiled at me damply. "Well I make some coffee and we can have some cake," she smirked, "and you can tell me." She got up to put some coffee on and opened the cake box, "Ooh, my favourite!" I grinned at her.

The next hour passed quickly as we drank coffee and ate cheesecake and I told her about my therapy, my new hobbies of cycling and drawing, and most importantly, about reconnecting with Ranger and what was happening with our burgeoning relationship. Mary Lou was shocked that we had found each other again, but thrilled for me that we were trying to build something real and honest this time.

I was telling Mary Lou about the wedding, when the door burst open and the kitchen was filled with the loud shrieks and laughter of Mary Lou's sons and husband. They exclaimed over the cake and fell on it like hungry locusts, each devouring a large piece before Mary Lou put her foot down and put the remainder away in the fridge. I was grinning at the bedlam and content to watch, feeling like _this_ was home, _this_ was what I had missed.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

After a chaotic early lunch with the Stankovics I drove to Rangeman to pick up Ranger to drive to my parents'. I was nervous about visiting Rangeman, but that was _nothing_ to how I felt about visiting my parents. I was pretty sure I was going to throw up before that visit. I pulled into the garage and smiled and waved into the camera as I entered the elevator as I always did. I went to five, as I was sure Ranger would be working to catch up from our week off. As I exited the elevator, I was once more greeted by a wall of huge, black-clad muscle and another round of enthusiastic hugs from a few Rangemen who were on duty on Sunday. I chatted happily with them for a few minutes, before heading to Ranger's office.

I knocked on his open door to see him on the phone, and he looked up and smiled at me. He signalled on his watch he would be a while on the call, so I turned back to grab a bottle of water in the break room and find someone to chat to while I waited. Tank's office was shut, and Lester had told me he was off today before heading back to Atlanta in the morning. So I headed out to the control room, where Cal was on duty. I was glad of the chance to talk to him again, and I congratulated him on his new relationship with his boyfriend, David.

I had been chatting and laughing with Cal for several minutes when he suddenly turned serious on me. He looked really uncomfortable about something, and I frowned as I waited for him to speak. "Steph, I… I'm not sure how to tell you…" he was almost whispering, trying to be really quiet.

"What is it Cal?"

"I don't know what's happening with you and Ranger, and we're not supposed to gossip about Ranger. I could lose my job, I know, if he finds out… But it's _you_ Bomber, and I can't say nothing…"

I felt a wave of dread wash over me as I saw Cal's nervous but determined face. "Please tell me Cal, whatever it is."

"Well… the rumours have been flying around for months Bomber. Ranger has a… girlfriend I guess… in Boston. He's been visiting her there every month, they've even been away on vacation together. Apparently she has even visited Rangeman Boston. A couple of guys mentioned her to me when they were down last month for training. She's a redhead, they said… I just… I wanted to let you know, 'cause I didn't know if Ranger had told you…"

I sighed, half in relief and half in exasperation at this unforeseen but entirely predictable event. "Cal, I… I'll tell you, but _please_ don't spread it around." I whispered, "I don't mind if you want to tell Hal, and Tank, Les, Hector and Bobby already know, but _please_ don't tell anyone else. And please don't talk or gossip about it where you can be overheard. It's _me_. In Boston I mean, with Ranger. When I disappeared last year, I took on a job that required me to have new identity, a false one obviously, so nobody could associate me with the Bombshell Bounty Hunter. So I have been disguised, pretty well in fact. And Ranger has been coming to visit me. I'm living outside Boston, and that's how we reconnected. I ran into Ranger when he was on Rangeman business there. Nobody else saw through my disguise, but I guess Ranger always can. Anyway, we're working things out, and trying to figure out what we want together for the future. But I wanted you to know, he's not cheating on me. Or on 'her'. Ranger never would do that."

Cal looked overwhelmingly relieved, "Oh that makes sense!" he whispered. "I didn't want to believe Ranger would do something like that, but when I saw you at the restaurant on Friday, I just felt like I _had to_ tell you. Because it seemed to be pretty well-known about the other woman…" he broke off, as Ranger stepped out of his office and signalled me to come in.

I leaned down and kissed Cal's flaming skull tattoo and whispered, "Thanks for looking out for me big guy." He grinned back at me. I stood and walked into Ranger's office.

Ranger shut the door as I walked into his office and he drew me close to kiss me before he leaned back and raised an eyebrow at me, "Let me guess. Cal was warning you about my 'other woman' in Boston, and you were telling him it was you?"

I was momentarily shocked before I exclaimed, "How do you _do_ that?!"

His lips quirked, "Babe, I knew as soon as we went into Rangeman Boston that the rumours would start flying. They're not supposed to gossip about me, and Denton never would, but plenty of others saw you that day. And truthfully, they're worse than a bunch of old women. It's just not common for me to have any personal visitors, so it was inevitable. Don't worry Babe, Cal won't tell anyone the truth."

"I told him he could tell Hal, if he's worried about it. I don't want the guys who know me best to think badly of you."

Ranger smiled at me. "Thanks Babe. Are you ready to head over to your parents?"

I nodded reluctantly. He took my hand and led me down to his Porsche 911. Uncharacteristically, I was silent on the drive over to my parents' house. Actually, I was swallowing and deep-breathing and trying very hard not to be sick. We pulled up in front of the house and I looked over at it. I half expected to see my mom and grandma waiting at the door; their radar always seemed to know when I was approaching. But I guess a year's absence had dulled its accuracy. Ranger turned off the car and waited patiently as I continued to breathe deeply and tried not to panic.

"Babe," I looked over at him. "Remember this. You are strong, independent, successful, and resilient and I'm really proud of you. No matter what happens, no matter what they say, I'll always be proud of you. And you know what Janice told you, your life is separate from your mother's and you have to live it the way that works for you. You can do this Babe."

I nodded and felt much calmer. Ranger was right, Janice had talked me through this. I knew what I wanted to say to my parents, and I couldn't change what I had done, nor whatever their reaction was going to be. Ranger got out of the car, and came around to help me out. He held my hand as we walked up to the door. I paused for a moment, thinking it was probably the first time I had ever knocked on my parents' door, but I went ahead and did it.

Inevitably, my mother opened the door, and I don't think I could describe the look of shock on her face. I stuttered, "H…Hi mom." She stood stunned, unmoving and unblinking for several minutes and I was not sure what to do.

I heard my grandma call out, "Who is it Helen?" and then I saw her come up behind my mother to the door. She saw me, "Stephanie!" she shrieked, and pushed my mom aside to grab me in a crushing hug. I felt tears well, and several escaped as I hugged my grandma. I looked up to see my mother's face change slowly from shock to disapproval as she watched my grandma hug me. Suddenly I felt a wave of disappointment wash through me as I could tell this was not going to go well. It was not going to be a tearful, joyous reunion with my mother at least.

She spoke coldly to me, without acknowledging Ranger's presence at all, "Well, you'd better come inside Stephanie. Don't stand out there where all the neighbours can see you."

I sighed, but moved into the house, Ranger's hand on my back. I moved to embrace my mother, but she turned on her heel to walk into the living room, where my dad was ensconced in front of the tv. My dad looked up as we came into the room and his eyes widened in shock, he struggled up from the depths of his chair and walked over to embrace me. I could see another flash of emotion cross my mother's face as dad held me for a few seconds, but I was unable to decipher it. Dad looked a little bewildered at the situation, clearly confused about what was happening and why Ranger and I had suddenly appeared.

Mom said sharply, "Frank, turn that off and come into the dining room. I'll make coffee for us while we visit with Stephanie." She moved off toward the kitchen abruptly.

Before dad and grandma could follow her, I said clearly, "Dad, mom, grandma, you all remember Ranger."

Ranger held out his hand to my dad, "Carlos Manoso. Please call me Carlos, Mr Plum."

Dad nodded cautiously, "Call me Frank," he said quietly.

Ranger smiled at grandma, "It's a pleasure to see you again Mrs Mazur. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't grab me though." I couldn't help the huff of laughter that bubbled out of me at that, and I heard a surprised chuckle from my dad as well.

Grandma looked a little surprised, but then smiled slyly at Ranger, "OK Carlos, I guess I can do that. For Stephanie." He looked relieved. "And call me Edna," she added.

My mother had disappeared, ignoring my introduction, and my grandma indicated she was going to help in the kitchen. There was no way I was going to subject myself to that, so Ranger, dad and I moved into the dining room as directed.

An uncomfortable silence fell over us as we waited for mom and grandma to return. They walked in carrying a tray of coffee and cookies, and placed them on the table. Ranger stood as they walked in and held out his hand to my mother, forcing her to look at him, "As I said to Frank, Mrs Plum, please call me Carlos." My mother nodded stiffly, and proceeded to pour out the coffee and hand round the plate of biscotti. I took a cookie to appease my mother, since I knew Ranger wouldn't, but I was reluctant to try and eat it, since I was still feeling nauseated from the tension.

We sipped our coffee for a few moments in more silence before my mother finally spoke in an icy voice, "Well, Stephanie, naturally we are surprised to see you. You missed Valerie and her family, they were here for lunch."

"I'm sorry to hear that I missed them mom. I'll try and call her before I head back."

"Head back?" her voice rose sharply. "Head back where?"

I winced, I hadn't meant to start the conversation like this. Still, I guess it was better to lay everything out on the table, since I couldn't see a happy ending here anyway, at least not with my mother. "Back to where I'm living mom. Back to my job."

My mother sniffed at me disdainfully, "And I don't suppose you're going to deign to tell us where that is? Or what you've been doing for the last year that meant you can't even call your family?"

"I'm sorry mom, but the work I'm involved in is highly confidential. I can't tell anyone where I'm living or what I'm doing. It's part of my contract." I took a deep breath, "I'm in town for the weekend to attend a friend's wedding yesterday. But I wanted to see you all while I could."

My mother snorted, "Obviously this _friend_ was allowed to contact you to tell you about their wedding. Why not your parents?"

"Actually mother, he didn't even know I was coming. It was a close friend of Carlos' that got married, and I attended as Carlos' guest. It was a surprise to most of the people there. The only person I've really been in contact with is Carlos, and he lives in Atlanta now. And that was a chance meeting when we reconnected a couple of months ago, not because I was in contact with him all along. The only person I have been in contact with is grandma, through my letters sometimes."

My mother looked completely shocked at that, and I realised grandma hadn't told her about my ongoing contact. Grandma looked sheepish for a moment, before she straightened her spine and spoke, "I didn't tell you about the letters Helen, because you made your attitude to Stephanie clear when she left the letter when she first left last year. You said in no uncertain words that you weren't interested in hearing from her anymore, unless she came and begged your forgiveness. From your attitude now, I can see that hasn't changed, you still expect her to grovel. And like I told you at the time, all she was trying to do was find somewhere to sort out her life. Everything fell apart, both her man-friends took off for other parts, everyone was all over her business as always, including you, and she was very unhappy. And, if you remember, you were hardly being supportive and sympathetic even before she left! You blamed her for Joseph getting that mob-girl pregnant and taking off. It's hardly surprising that Stephanie wanted some time away from all that."

I was a little shocked, but completely touched by my grandma's strident support. On the other hand, Helen looked furious and mutinous, "But a _year_! And without a word! Or so I thought," she added scathingly.

Grandma looked unrepentant, "Her letters were to me. All she told me was that she was doing OK, she didn't send a message to you, and I don't blame her. And she sent you a Christmas card, I gave it to you."

Now it was my dad's turn to look surprised, "I never saw a card Helen?"

My mother's face pursed, "I threw it out!" she said nastily. "Mother wouldn't tell me where it came from, and for all I knew it could have been from anybody."

"But I wrote in it. I _signed_ it!" I exclaimed. Ranger rubbed my back soothingly.

My mother's face was stony, "There was no address. It could have been from anybody, so I threw it away."

I shook my head, deeply hurt by her attitude. Suddenly, I realised this reunion was never going to be a success, at least as far as my mother was concerned. Remembering Janice's advice about dealing with my mother, I decided to cut my losses.

"Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way about me mother," I told her. "I came here hoping to reconnect with you, with all of you. I know I hurt you all when I left last year. I was in a really bad place in my life and I wasn't coping with all the stress and upsets that happened. I have been seeing a therapist since I left, and she has been helping me to understand what has happened to me in my life, the choices I have made and the mistakes. I have made a lot of mistakes, but you are all still my family, and I hoped to be able to still have that relationship with you. If I cannot, then I will be very sad about it, but I know now I will be able to deal with it, especially with Carlos by my side."

I paused to take a breath. My mother and father looked dumbfounded at my semi-rehearsed speech. "I'm not going to lie to you, part of me wants to rant at you especially mother, since I truly believe that some of the pain and stress I was under when I left can be laid squarely at your door. You have _never_ supported my choices and decisions, and you have always expected me to live a 'Burg' life, which I never wanted. But Janice, my therapist, has helped me to understand that I have to let it go. There's no point in rehashing the past over and over, or apportioning blame, since it won't change anything that happened. So I came here today, hoping that we could try and just be a daughter and her parents. I don't know if that's possible, but at least you know I'm willing to start over now, if you are as well."

I sighed, "So anyway. I also wanted to let you know what is happening with me. Ranger, Carlos I should say, and I are seeing each other again. We're in love and we're trying to build a relationship together, even though it has to be long-distance for the moment. Also, I wanted to tell you that I have decided I will never be coming back to Trenton to live. I would _like_ to come back sometimes to visit my family and friends. But it's your choice if I do. I have a secure way of writing letters now to Carlos and he is willing to send on letters to you from me, if you want me to write. And if I can come back to visit, I can let you know I am coming, if you want me to."

I glanced at Ranger and he smiled at me. I could feel the pride and support radiating off him and it bolstered me to finish what I wanted to say.

"I have to head back to my home on Tuesday to get back to work. Grandma, I am hoping to have lunch tomorrow at noon at Marsillio's with whoever wants to join me. It's my treat for my friends and family. Dad, you are welcome to come if you want. And mom, I am happy to have you there, if you like, but only if you are willing to bury the hatchet and be pleasant. If you just want to disapprove of my choices and berate me, I would rather you didn't come. I'll invite Val and her family on the same terms. I've invited Mary Lou and her family, and I'm going to talk to some of my other friends tomorrow morning to see if they want to come as well. So maybe I'll see you there."

"I'll be there baby girl," grandma said definitely.

"I'd like to come too," my dad added quietly.

My mother said nothing. I stood, and Ranger stood with me. "Thanks for the coffee mom." She nodded stiffly again. I hugged my grandma fiercely and my dad with almost equal fervour. My mother refused to stand for my embrace, so I simply said, "Goodbye mom." She nodded again.

Ranger escorted me out to the car, and I managed to hold it together to wave to my grandma and dad at the door as we drove away. As soon as they faded out of sight I broke down sobbing, whole-body-shaking sobs and Ranger quickly pulled over to the curb, turned the car off, pushed his seat back, unbuckled us both and pulled me over into his lap, as I cried into his shirt. He rubbed my back soothingly until my sobs subsided gradually.

I looked up at him, eyes still wet and sighed, "Oh Ranger!"

He looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm still so proud of you Babe. You handled that _so well_. You were amazing. I'm proud of you."

My heart swelled. As long as I had Ranger, I could face anything. I reached up to kiss him wetly, but passionately. I was proud of me too.

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 _AN: Reviews! Pleeeeeease! (Shameless begging) Next chapter to finish off the visit to Trenton. Closing in on the end – Steph has to make some decisions about her future. Any thoughts or ideas?_


	31. Chapter 31

_AN: Sorry, sorry, sorry! I know I have been saying that a lot for the multiple breaks in my posting… Anyway, this time my muse got hijacked by my last one-shot and it was so dark and depressing I desperately needed some happy before I could continue here. So I have been reading lots of fluff, humour, smut… Mmmmm yummy. :-D_

 _So now my head is swimming with lots and lots of ideas to finish this story off._ _ **Thanks**_ _ **for all of your scrumptious reviews!** They __**always**_ _help me refine my ideas and spark new ones. Let's just hope my fickle muse can keep her mind on the job for a while and we can start tying up this fic._

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

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Chapter 31.

I walked into Marsillio's the next day with my head held high. It had been a stressful morning, but I knew it was always going to be difficult coming back here. After the unpleasant visit with my mother, Ranger had calmed and comforted me by running me a bubble bath in the hotel room and staying to wash my back. As well as other parts that needed his thorough attention… Last night Ranger was smelling of feminine bath products again!

I had called Valerie after dinner to find (of course) that my mother had already called her and informed her of my visit. To my surprise, Val didn't immediately take my mother's side; she was willing to listen to me, and agreed to bring the girls to lunch today. She said Albert had to work, apparently he had a case. We had ended up chatting for about half an hour, as she caught me up on Albert and the girls' lives and it had been surprisingly pleasant and relaxed. It left me feeling much more optimistic about the family reunion. Maybe it would only be mom who was absent, I didn't have much hope she would come.

This morning Ranger had headed off early to Rangeman to work for a couple of hours, before coming to collect me at 10. He drove me to Tasty Pastry where I collected a dozen donuts, and then drove me onto the Bonds Office. I had been unsure how this reunion would go, since I had made the least effort to appease Connie and Lula when I left. Unfortunately, I had been right to be apprehensive.

I was greeted by the stunned silence that was becoming familiar as I walked in to the office. Suddenly, Connie jumped up and ran around her desk, shrieking "Steph!" and embraced me fervently. I felt the usual tears welling in my eyes at the emotion and it was several minutes of babbled conversation before I realised that Lula was not part of the happy reunion. I looked over, and saw her sitting silently on the faux-leather sofa and looking stonily at a magazine, ignoring me and Connie.

I ventured tentatively, "Lula? I brought Boston Creams? Would you like a donut?"

"No thank you," she said without looking up. I felt tears smart my eyes at her obvious rebuff.

I moved over to sit beside her, as Connie greeted Ranger and chatted to him quietly. "Lula? I'm really sorry about the way I left. I was just really screwed up, in a bad place, and I just couldn't take it all anymore. First Joe, then Ranger left town, and I felt like my life fell apart. I know I hurt you both by leaving the way I did, but I had to get away, it was the best thing for me at the time."

Lula remained silent and refused to look at me, but she didn't seem to be reading the magazine and she seemed to be listening.

"Lula, I'm having some of my family and friends join me for lunch at Marsillio's today. My treat. I'd really like it if you came too. You and Connie." I looked up to Connie to smile at her. "Will you come please?"

"Why?" asked Lula.

"Because I really want you there. I want to see all my friends."

"No why are you having the lunch? What's it for?" Lula clarified icily.

"Well, I have to head back tomorrow. I just wanted to see everyone, all my friends and family here while I'm in town. I missed you all, and just wanted a chance to spend a little time together with everyone."

Lula looked at me angrily, I could see the rhino starting to emerge. "So _after_ _a year without a word_ , you show up out of the blue with a box of donuts and expect us to just fall at your feet with gratitude. You're just here for one day to 'grace us with your presence' then you're heading off again?" She huffed indignantly, "Well _excuse me_ if I don't feel honoured to lunch with the great Stephanie Plum! You'll have to pardon me from the occasion, I have better things to do than kiss your ass just because you decide to show up after a year and want me to spend time with you."

I caught my breath in pain from her angry rant. I could see Ranger's eyes narrow, and he was clearly starting to get angry as Lula exploded, but I shook my head at him. Although her attitude hurt, I couldn't help but feel Lula was a little justified in what she said. I _had_ just shown up after a year with no word to spend a couple of hours with people, hoping they would accept the limited offering. If they couldn't accept me, it was understandable. I had known this might happen.

"Lula, I can understand you might feel that way. I can see how it might look like I just showed up out of the blue and want you to spend time with me before I take off again. I'd like to give you good reasons why I didn't contact you, but the truth is my reasons for leaving were pretty selfish. But I can tell you honestly that I _really needed_ to go. I was in so much pain and everything felt like it fell apart for me here. I was _hurting_ and when I was offered a way out, I took it. I can't go back and change that. And unfortunately, the way out I took meant I had to cut all communication and disappear from Trenton. I know a lot of people are angry with me about that, I know that _you're_ angry, and it's totally understandable."

She snorted, but didn't reply. I shook my head sadly, "Lula I hope you'll change your mind and come to lunch. I've never stopped thinking of you as one of my best friends and I'd really like to have your company." I looked up at Connie, "Please both come, or either of you if the other doesn't want to. 12 o'clock at Marsillio's."

I stood and nodded toward Vinnie's office. Connie shook her head and muttered, "Chasing a skip." I was shocked at that, but understood that Vinnie must have to chase at least some of the skips now, he must not have found another bounty hunter to replace me. I couldn't help but see the humour in it, and glancing at Ranger I could see the corners of his mouth tipped up in his trademark smirk.

I walked over to the donut box and grabbed a Boston Cream out of it. I smiled at Connie and left the rest on her desk. I hoped Lula could get over her resentment enough to enjoy them, but I knew Connie would have a couple anyway. Ranger took my other hand, and said goodbye to Connie and Lula politely. I added, "I hope to see you soon girls." Connie nodded at me, but Lula did not look at me again. I sighed and we left.

I didn't think Lula was going to show up for lunch. I had definitely burned some bridges leaving like I did last year. Ranger once again had held me and comforted me as I wept a few more tears. "Babe, I know it hurts, but I think it's going to hurt her more. Lula needs her friends, and she doesn't have that many who love her as much as you do. So maybe she'll come around some day. She might just need some time." I nodded, mopping my eyes.

Ranger and I had invited some of the Rangemen to join us to, and Tank, Cal, Hal, Junior and Woody had all accepted gleefully. Hector was unfortunately in Newark on an installation. Les had had to leave to head back to Atlanta for business and Bobby was on his honeymoon, but I was pleased that some of the Rangemen would be able to be here.

In Marsillio's we were shown into a private function room, and the Rangemen and my father and grandma were already here. I turned at the noise behind me, as I heard a shriek, "Auntie Stephie!" and braced myself as Mary Alice catapulted herself into my embrace. I hugged her raptly and smiled with tears in my eyes at Val standing there. To my surprise, Val had tears in her eyes as well. I set Mary Alice gently down on her feet and moved to hug Val and she surprised me further by returning my hug fiercely.

"Oh god, Steph," she murmured, "I'm so happy to see you." Tears streamed down my face.

I saw Angie standing primly behind Val, refusing to meet my eyes, and my heart contracted painfully. _Oh please, oh please don't let Angie refuse to forgive me…_ I squatted beside Angie and reached out tentatively to stroke her cheek. "Angie, please," I begged. "I'm so sorry I haven't seen you this last year, but I've thought about you so many times. And I've never stopped loving you. Will you let me give you a little hug?" She shrugged, obviously trying to look indifferent, but failing miserably. I reached out and gently hugged her. I felt as if my heart would explode as I felt her little arms come around my back. I breathed deeply, trying to regain some control.

"Angie, I'm gonna write to you and MA and Lisa and your mum from now on, when I'm away. And I'm gonna come and visit you again soon, OK?" She nodded. I could tell she had not completely forgiven me, but at least there was progress. I picked up Lisa who had been watching us in innocent wonder, and held her close as I gave her soft kisses on her forehead. She giggled enchantingly and I wondered if my heart would give out under the strain of so many heart-exploding emotions.

While we had been having our touching reunion, Mary Lou had arrived with her brood, and Connie had shown up as well. We sat down at the table and Ranger caressed my arm in comfort, knowing how fragile I was feeling. We ordered masses of amazing Italian food and feasted for a couple of hours. I couldn't help moaning over my tiramisu, which was to die for, and I grinned as Ranger shifted uncomfortably at my noises. Tank smirked at me, and I winked in reply.

After lunch, Ranger and his men headed back to Haywood Street for a few hours and Connie headed back to the bonds office, after hugging me and telling me that Lula would come around, she would talk to her. I asked Val and Mary Lou if we could spend a little more time together, and we all headed off to a nearby playpark where the younger kids could run and climb and play, while Angie read her book and we could sit on the bench and watch them all. Dad and grandma came with us, and dad played with Mary Lou's boys. We all rolled our eyes at his obvious delight in having young boys to play with instead of being surrounded by females all the time.

It was blessedly relaxed and comfortingly familiar, as Val continued to catch me up on the kids, grandma related some of her outrageous exploits at the funeral home and bingo hall, and I chatted to them about my drawing and exercise habits. I had my small sketch pad with me (I never travelled without it) and I showed them some of my efforts. Grandma asked if she could keep one sketch I had done of the park where Ranger and I had met up again. To my surprise, Angie came over to look at the sketch pad as well, and she shocked me further when she asked to keep a sketch as well, this time it was one I had done in Plymouth, of the Mayflower II. I had been particularly proud of the sketch as I quietly thought it was one of the best I had ever done, and Ranger had a copy of it that he kept in his wallet. But I handed it to Angie without hesitation, and she smiled at me for the first time as she put it in the back of her book for safekeeping.

Eventually everyone left to go home to start preparing dinners and there were many tears and hugs and promises to write, after I explained it would happen through Ranger and Rangeman. After everyone had gone, I sat on in the park until it was starting to go dark, just thinking about the last few days, the highs and the lows. Although it was still months from Thanksgiving, I couldn't help giving thanks right then for all the wonderful people in my life who were prepared to forgive me for all of my mistakes and transgressions.

It almost made up for the ones who couldn't forgive me. Almost.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Tuesday afternoon found me clinging to Ranger in desperation and wanting to never let go. I never thought I could be the clingy type, but the thought of not seeing Ranger for weeks again was really getting to me. We had driven up to New York where we had a wonderful lunch at The Loeb Boathouse Central Park, and then Ranger had driven me to my stylists to be transformed back into Shell Parkes. Ranger was heading back to Trenton, and I was going to fly to Boston once my transformation was complete.

But for now I clung to him, and tried not to give into the sobs that the thought of the next few weeks were bringing on. The only consolation was Ranger seemed equally reluctant to let go of me.

Finally, he leaned back and then kissed me fiercely. "Steph…" he choked out, "I know I said I wouldn't pressure you, and I'm really trying not to. But I don't want to keep doing this much longer. It just gets harder and harder every time. Can we talk about it please? I'll be in Boston on the 19th of September. I don't expect you to have it all worked out, but can we talk about it?"

I nodded, knowing that he was right. I didn't think I could do it for much longer either, but I had not really come up with any firm ideas about what to do. I was going to have to do some really hard thinking before I saw him again.

He kissed me again, long and hard, and whispered, "Love you Babe", before turning and walking away to his car. I saw him look at me fiercely before driving away.

I stood holding my fist over my mouth, choking back the tears, before turning to go into my stylist's building.

 _What was I going to do?_

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 _AN: OMG my muse is on FIRE! I have drafted another chap after this one as well, so should be able to post tomorrow as well. But still she's a fickle sort… and reviews feed my muse. Please don't let her starve! ;-)_


	32. Chapter 32

_AN: Thanks for all of your lovely reviews. I appreciate them all, whether for one thought, or for all of those wonderful readers who review each chapter. You guys rock!_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for Wicked series._

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Chapter 32.

I was jolted out of my concentration on my research for Diesel by the ring of my phone. Guess who. "Hey Diesel."

"Hey Shell. Umm…"

"Oh that's _never_ good! What?"

"Well, we need you to come and pick up and return a couple more of these artefacts we borrowed while looking for the Ira stone."

"What? _Why?_ " I whined. "You're the one with the mad break-in skills. Can't you just return them yourself?" The last thing I had returned that Diesel had _borrowed_ in their search for the Ira stone had resulted in someone shoving a gun in my face. The person was unhappy that I tried to return something that had caused them to be so angry all the time and told me to 'get it the fuck out of their house and never bring it back'. I was pretty grumpy myself by the time I had delivered it to my BUM contact. I didn't know if these artefacts were going to be welcomed back, but I knew they would affect my mood either way. Thankfully, Diesel had taken responsibility for delivering the stone himself two days ago. I might have killed someone.

"St…Shell, _please_. It's your job, you know." He muttered.

 _Sigh._ "OK, I'll come and collect them."

"Today."

"Diesel, I'm working. Why can't it be tomorrow?" I knew I was pushing him, but I was hoping to have some time to brace myself for this unpleasant task.

"Look Lizzy wants these things out of her house. They're making everyone really cranky. And they drive Carl completely insane so I can't keep them at my place. Please Shell. Come and collect them."

"They affect _Carl_?" Wow. "You haven't mentioned any of these things affecting Carl before."

"Well, maybe it's just been more subtle in the past. Besides, Carl's already prone to being a bit antagonistic. Maybe they just make it worse."

 _Double sigh._ "OK, I'll finish this up and be down by about 2. You'd better text me the info on where to return them and to whom."

"Done. And, thanks Shell."

"Diesel, I… Can I talk to you when I get down there? Please? I really need someone to talk to. And can we leave them in the car or something while we talk? I don't want really either of us to be cranky."

"Sure Shell. See you soon."

I finished up the search I had been doing on the Acedia (Sloth) stone. We only had two to go. Sloth and envy. I wish I had the sloth stone here right now, so I had an excuse not to go to Salem. Sigh.

Reluctantly I got ready and left to drive to Salem. As usual, the drive went quickly and, all too soon, I was dragging my butt out of my car at Lizzy's house. Before I could even start walking to her door, the door slammed open and Lizzy and Diesel practically ran out the door, each holding a cardboard box. They carried them to my car, as I stood there open-mouthed and Diesel gestured me to open the car trunk to put the boxes in. I complied and they shoved them in, and Diesel covered them with the blanket I carried in the trunk. Diesel slammed the trunk closed and grabbed my arm, as we walked back up to Lizzy's house. We walked in and Lizzy shut the door with a loud bang and they both slumped against the walls.

" _Thank god!_ " Lizzy exclaimed, "I couldn't have taken another night with those things in my house. You have _no idea_. They were making me feel like I had permanent PMS plus splinters under all my fingernails and toenails. _Get rid of them Shell_. As fast as you can."

I grimaced, knowing I may not be able to get rid of them today, but hoping I could work something out. Lizzy dragged us into the kitchen, where she began pulling stuff out of her cupboards to start baking. "I couldn't even cook while they were in here," she explained. "I feel like I've got to bake something. Hmm. Double-fudge chocolate cake with coffee icing." I felt my mouth water longingly.

"Oh, and Shell, there's a box here for you. I've been experimenting at work. Lemon raspberry cheesecake cupcakes and Boston cream pie cupcakes." _I think I just orgasmed a little_. "And _no_ Diesel, you've had yours. No stealing Shell's."

I took my box of cupcakes and Diesel led me out to my car. I stashed them in my backseat, hoping they couldn't be contaminated by the hideous things in my trunk. I locked my car and Diesel led me over to his SUV. We buckled in and Diesel took off. I looked around, "No Carl?"

"No. I've been leaving him at home. He is _seriously_ affected by those things. And he drives us all crazy when he's around them. Thank god they're gone. I just dread to think if we'll even be able to get rid of things if they're related to the Acedia stone. We might all feel like we just couldn't be bothered." I nodded thoughtfully.

"Where are we going?" I enquired.

"I thought we'd head out to Winter Island and go for a walk on the beach." I smiled, liking the idea. We drove in silence for a while and eventually pulled up to a public beach carpark. "C'mon," he pulled me out of the car and over to a locked gate in a high fence. He worked his magic on the gate and we were though and walking down to the private beach, before I could even think to protest. As we got to the sand, we both pulled our shoes off, and Diesel hid them under a shrub near the path. We walked down onto the beach, and I had to admit it was a lot less crowded and probably a bit cleaner than the public beach. He took my hand and we began to stroll the beach leisurely.

I was trying to think of how to start the conversation when Diesel spoke. "I can't help remembering the last time we walked on a beach like this at Point Pleasant just over a year ago. Remember what you were like then Steph? You were a different person. Broken, lost. You've come _so far_ Steph. I look at you now, you're strong, determined, capable, _fulfilled_. I love that I've played a small part in that, but you should be so proud of how far you've come."

I considered that. He was right. In just over a year, I had achieved what I would never have believed possible. I had found myself, my strength, my centre. My heart swelled a little bit in pride in myself.

"I'm gonna miss you so much Steph. You've really become one of my best friends. When you move away… well, I'm just gonna miss you. Lizzy will too, we've both become really fond of you. I hope you know I will be coming to visit wherever you go." I frowned at his certainty that I would be moving away. And soon.

He saw the frown and stopped on the sand for a moment. He got out his phone and fiddled around for a couple of minutes. He hesitated, and then said, "I heard this song a couple of weeks ago. It made me think so strongly about you. About you and Ranger. I downloaded it so you could listen too."

He handed me the phone, and pressed play on the music button. I listened to the song carefully, captivated by the melody and lyrics. When it finished, I played it again. He was right, it spoke to me _strongly_ of my journey with Ranger. There was a line near the end, _'We've broken free from those memories, we've let it go, we've let it go. And two goodbyes led to this new life, don't let me go, don't let me go.'_ I closed my eyes and let it wash over me. _Yes_. This was what I needed, what I felt. However, whatever, _wherever_ the future was for me, it was with Ranger. It really was that simple.

"What is it?" I asked reverently.

"It's called 'Let Me Go' by Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger. I knew you'd like it. Apt, huh?"

"It's _perfect_. I can't wait to play it for Ranger. And I totally get it, I really do get it, finally. The important things are not the where, or the how. All that really matters is _who_. And for me it's him. So if he's in Atlanta, then Atlanta it is. Or Miami. Or wherever. It really is that simple. I mean… as long as we're safe and happy. I don't think I could be completely safe here in Boston if I suddenly become Stephanie Plum here, especially if Wulf finds out I've been helping you. And I know I wouldn't be happy permanently back in Trenton. So yeah, Atlanta or Miami."

Diesel grinned at me, and we resumed strolling along the beach. I felt lighter, like an invisible weight had been lifted off me. Diesel said, "OK, so we've sorted out the 'who', and the 'where' is gonna fall out of that. So now we think about the 'how' and the 'what'."

I nodded, "Well, I definitely want to finish this research, but I can't say I'll be sorry to get away from running around with these objects, or your messed-up cars!" Diesel laughed. "I just hope I don't inherit the bad car karma back when I go." Diesel started guffawing at that. "So I'd like to continue working for you. Maybe even do more in future if something comes up that I can help with."

"I think that's perfect Steph."

"I know you said I can do that remotely, and I've got the secure laptop. I guess we'd just need to set up a contact wherever I end up, or a way to transfer files securely."

"No problem so far."

"Other than that, I've actually been thinking for some time that I'd like to go back to college. Now that I know more about what I want in life, what I enjoy, I think I can study something that might make me a bit happier. Might suit me more. Definitely a computer component. But not to be a programmer or anything. More about like information and investigations and searching. I'm not sure exactly. I think I'll figure out with Ranger where we're gonna end up and then start looking at college courses. Maybe get some advice from some of Ranger's computer experts."

Diesel smiled at me, "That's wonderful Steph. I know you'll make a success of it, and it's great to have goal like that. Anything else?"

I asked uncertainly, "Will I be allowed to continue on with Janice? Can I talk to her?"

"Of course Steph! I'm sure Janice will want to continue working with you as long as you want to. If you mean the discounted rate for her services, then you'll still be working for the BUM and me, so that shouldn't be a problem."

I shook my head, "I don't mind if I have to pay more. I just don't want to lose her now, when I'm finally figuring my shit out. She's helped me so much. Ranger too, I think. I guess I'm just concerned I won't be able to visit her much in person, if she'll be OK with that. But I guess I'll just ask her."

"Steph, this is stuff I'm certain you can work out. You just need to figure out the big stuff, and then work out the details."

"Yeah. I think I can do that now." I suddenly stopped and threw my arms around Diesel, hugging him compulsively. "I'm so gonna miss you too. Diesel, I…I don't know what would have happened to me if you hadn't come to help me back in Trenton. I felt like I was falling into an abyss, and I don't know how, or even _if_ , I would have crawled out of it without you. I'll be forever grateful. If you ever need anything, like _anything_ from a friend, then I hope you know I'll be there 100%. Anytime."

Tears were rolling down my cheeks now. Diesel drew back in my embrace and gently stroked the tears off my face. "You're my friend Steph. It was my pleasure to be there for a friend. And I know you would have found a way back even if I hadn't been there. But I'm glad I could be. I'm glad I could help you."

I kissed him lightly on the lips. "I'm gonna miss seeing you. We'll talk on the phone though, right? All the time? Maybe text or whatever?"

"Of course Steph. Even after the research is finished. I'll make sure you have a way to contact me, whenever you need to."

"What about Lizzy? Will I be able to see her once I go back to being Stephanie Plum? I don't think I'll be able to live if I never have her cupcakes again!"

Diesel chuckled, "We'll figure something out, Steph. Lizzy will understand. I think she's already basically figured out there's something up with you anyway. Like I said, these are the details, and we can figure everything out. You need to talk to Ranger and sort out the big stuff first. When's he due in here?"

"Not for a couple of weeks. I don't know if I should call him or write him? Or should I wait and talk to him in person?"

"Or just show up and surprise him?" Diesel asked slyly.

"Oh god! _YES_! That is perfect. And I have a perfect 'partner in crime' to help me set it up," I said thinking of Lester. Diesel smirked at me. Of course he knew what I was thinking. Suddenly I sobered, "But will that be OK? I mean with you and the BUM? I've been taking a lot of time off lately."

"As long as I don't care, they don't care, Steph. You've still been doing the research. Take the laptop with you, and work from Atlanta. It will be a good litmus test to see how it might work long-term, anyway. And in Atlanta, you can keep the red hair, since it's with new people. It looks good on you anyway. Maybe you should keep it like that, if you like it."

"I do like it. The colour and the style. But Ranger always did like my crazy curls. And I miss them sometimes too. Anyway, that all doesn't matter! I have a _visit_ _to plan_!" We started walking slowly back to the car, and my heart felt like it was singing from all of the amazing decisions I had made in such a short time.

We got back to Lizzy's place and I looked at my car. Hmm… first I had to get rid of those bloody anger-inducing artefacts. But I felt so much hope and optimism, I was sure I could even face that. But first… "Diesel, can I come in and talk to Lizzy? I want to tell her about me, while I have a chance."

He looked at me, "No, you just want the chocolate cake!" He took off running to the front door, and I followed him, laughing with him. I _did_ want to come clean with Lizzy, but I couldn't deny the chocolate cake sounded pretty damn good too…

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 _AN: So she's going to surprise him in Atlanta! Yay! (More smut… :-D) Reviews! Pretty please._


	33. Chapter 33

_AN: Hi all. I know this is a short chapter, but I'm trying to kick-start my muse after my long hiatus. I have been ill, and just could not write, but I'm hoping to ease back into it with this story. I'm not far off finishing it, so I am hopeful I can chivvy my muse to work to the end._

 _Hope you like this chapter. SMUT warning!_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world._

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Chapter 33.

"Yo, boss!"

"What is it Santos?"

"There's someone here to see you."

Ranger frowned, "A client?"

Lester tried not to smirk, he didn't want to give it away, "I'm not exactly sure what they want, but they're insisting on speaking to you. No threat, they're unarmed. They asked for you by name."

Ranger resisted sighing or rolling his eyes, he was never going to get through this paperwork today. "Fine, set them up in the conference room. I'll be down in five."

"Actually boss, they're right here, now."

Ranger glared, and barely resisted telling Lester about his appointment in the morning on the mats. He would wait until this client wasn't listening. Lester stepped aside, and Ranger painted a sufficiently neutral, welcoming expression on his face. Only for his expression to drop into shock as his visitor stepped through the door.

"Babe?" he asked incredulously.

"Hello Ranger," I replied with a big grin. "I don't mind waiting in the conference room, if that's what you really want…"

"Hell no!" He stood suddenly and practically sprinted around his desk to sweep me up and hold me tightly to his chest. My arms and legs wrapped around him and his lips crashed down onto mine. Neither of us heard Lester's smug chuckle, nor him walking out of the office and closing the door. Only when the need to breathe became urgent did we break our desperate kiss.

We drew apart, panting slightly, and his intense gaze held mine for endless minutes. Finally, he asked incoherently, "How? What? _Why?_ "

"I had a long talk with Diesel a couple of days ago. He helped me to realise that what really matters to me now more than anything else in the world is being with you. He helped me clear it with the Bureau and, well… here I am."

"You mean, to stay?"

"Not quite, well… for a little while. That's kinda one of the things we need to talk about. I'm here for a couple of weeks, until you're scheduled to come up to Boston. I'm going to have to spend some of the time working, but he's set me up with a secure laptop and secure satellite connection to the BUM network, so I can work basically anywhere on, well, _part_ of my job." But the point is, I can do that from Atlanta, and I really wanted to be here with you, not in Boston without you, so… I hope that's OK?" I finished, realising I was rambling a little anxiously.

"Babe, that's more than OK. That's _wonderful_. I can't believe you're here. Obviously, Lester helped you set this up?"

"He agreed to keep it quiet and pick me up from the airport and bring me to you."

"Well, maybe I won't send him to the mats after all for disrupting my schedule," he smirked. "Speaking of disrupting my schedule…" his lips descended again and several minutes later, I was breathless again. "Babe, I think I need to take an early lunch up in my apartment…"

I nodded, "I think an early lunch sounds ideal," I whispered.

He slid me reluctantly down his body, giving me a preview (pre-feel?) hint of exactly what I was going to be having for lunch. He took my hand and led me from his office. I could see his intention was to take me straight to the elevator, but clearly that wasn't Lester's agenda. He seemed to be bucking for that mats session after all, as he stepped out of his office as we passed and said loudly, "Boss, aren't you going to introduce Bomber around to everyone?"

Ranger gave him a glare that would have caused most men to wet themselves. But he couldn't ignore the heads that bobbed up like meerkats in the cube farm around the floor.

"Bomber?" I heard someone ask. "As in the Bombshell Bounty Hunter?" The murmur grew to a roar and the men surged out into the corridor, blocking our path to the elevator.

I stood, half embarrassed and half amused at Ranger's obvious disgust and irritation as he was forced to introduce me to half of the staff of Rangeman Atlanta. Lester murmured quietly behind me a couple of times, to indicate when I was introduced to three men who were part of the core team here, Matt Robertson, Jason Merry and Jamal de Luca. As with all Rangemen I had met, the requirement to be buff, gorgeous and slightly intimidating was clearly upheld in Atlanta.

I smiled and nodded to the introductions until my face ached, but all I really wanted to do right now was to go upstairs and continue where we had left off. Ranger had finally had enough. He barked, "OK, Steph will be here for a couple of weeks, you'll have a chance to get to know her. For now, back to work!" The men dispersed quickly. With a final glare and a mutter of "Dire emergencies _only_ Santos, somebody better be dead!" at an unrepentant Lester, Ranger led me to the elevator.

Unlike Trenton and Boston, the Rangeman Atlanta building was not very high-rise. It was four levels above ground, but stretched along three-quarters of a city block, as a spreading redbrick building. It looked like it was a converted warehouse, and probably was, as it was on the border of downtown Atlanta and Midtown. It was a long, wide, low-ish building. Lester had shown me around the first two floors before taking me to Ranger. The ground level which was the entry foyer, conference rooms, a gym and a parking garage at one end. He explained that the parking extended to the basement level, through a ramp at the back of the building. The basement level also had the gun range, a holding cell and storage. The second floor was the control room, the break room, the open work floor, and offices, including Ranger's office.

The third floor housed the caretakers' apartment at one end – like Trenton, Atlanta had a husband and wife couple who looked after the building and did all the cooking and cleaning. Lester told me they were an African American couple in their early thirties, called Mia and Dion. Mia was a qualified builder and did most of the handyman work, while Dion was a trained chef, who did the cooking, and they split the cleaning duties. Mia was four months pregnant with their first child, and the whole of Rangeman was looking forward to welcoming the new 'Rangeman baby'. Attached to the caretakers' apartment was a restaurant-sized kitchen, and laundry room. At the other end of the building was six apartments. The six apartments were mirrored on the fourth floor at the same end, while the rest of the fourth floor was taken up by Ranger's apartment.

I clung to him as we rode up and his arm held me to his side like a steel band. It was only two levels up, but it felt like forever. The elevator stopped on the fourth floor, and Ranger led me down a hallway, where I could see apartment doors stretching along both sides until we finally reached another small foyer. Ranger crossed the foyer and fobbed open a door, before stopping to enter a code in the security system. I looked at him, wondering why this apartment had a security system that required a code, and Ranger's ESP kicked in so he explained that, due to the design and layout of the building, he could not lock off the floor on the elevator, so the additional security was necessary.

We walked into the apartment and I looked around with interest. Either Ranger or his decorator had decided on a different style in this apartment. It looked warmer, as the external walls were exposed brick, and there was less black and brown in the furnishings. The living spaces were open-plan and spacious, with pale hardwood floors, and the internal walls were painted a rich cream. Large, picture windows on one side flooded the apartment with light. The kitchen counters were light-coloured marble and the leather lounge suite was a pale tan. There were some modernistic paintings in amber and forest green. The area rug picked up the same colours and added a pale grey-blue, which was echoed in the sofa cushions. The overall effect was very welcoming and pleasant, and somehow seemed more personal than his other apartments, even though I could see no personal touches like photos or knickknacks.

"It's lovely Carlos," I purred, "perhaps you could show me the bedroom?" He gave me his wolf-grin and led me across the lounge area to a door. He ushered me into a huge room dominated by a massive bed with a smoky grey cover and pillows, so big I wondered if he had to have the sheets custom made. The only other furnishings in the room were a couple of pale wood bedside tables that were bare. I could see the door on one side that I guessed would lead to the walk-in closet and bathroom.

But Ranger wasted no time showing me around. He picked me up suddenly, bridal-style, and carried me over to the bed. He laid me on the bed and stood over me to strip his clothes quickly and throw them aside. I looked at his amazing, sculpted body clad only in his smooth, mocha-latte skin and couldn't help myself as I moaned and licked my lips. Ranger gave a growl in response and crawled over me to push me into the bed on my back as his lips fused back against mine.

I felt his hands roam under my shirt and he broke the kiss momentarily to strip the shirt over my head. His magic hands continued to strip off the rest of my clothes while his mouth plundered mine. As his hands moved to my jeans, his mouth moved to my aching breasts and he began to lick, suckle and gently bite at my nipples. He stripped off my jeans and my damp panties and I gasped as his fingers ran lightly over my shaved lips. My hands fisted in his hair as his mouth drifted down my body to French-kiss my navel, then drift down further to where his fingers were still running lightly over my pussy, without touching where I ached and needed him the most.

Two fingers gently pried open my outer lips and he kissed gently around them. I began to writhe and moan under his ministrations and one hand moved to grasp my hips and he continued to tease me until I begged breathily, " _Please Carlos!_ "

"Please _what_ , Babe?"

"Please put your mouth on my pussy! Please suck me. Please _fuck me_!" I groaned.

"As you wish," he murmured, and suddenly his tongue dove into my dripping centre and he thrust two finders inside me, and I immediately came screaming. Ranger didn't pause but continued to finger-fuck me, adding another finger, while his mouth and teeth continued to suckle and graze at my clit. I built quickly to another crescendo, this one so intense, I nearly blacked out. Ranger withdrew his fingers and crawled back up my body to lean over me and suck my juices off his fingers. I moaned again and he leaned forward to kiss me, and I could taste myself on his mouth.

I felt his huge cock pressing at my centre and I moaned and gasped as he eased into me with one stroke. I felt a shudder of pleasure run though me as I adjusted to his size. Every time, I marvelled at how long and thick his beautiful cock was, as it stretched me deliciously. He began to move in a smooth but rapid rhythm, and I could feel him brushing my g-spot inside. I started building to another peak, and clenched my internal muscles around him. He groaned, " _Fuck Babe!_ " as his pace quickened and he drove into me deeply until he was touching my clit and my g-spot with each stroke. I couldn't hold on, and I came, screaming again in pleasure. My muscles clenched him even tighter and he yelled his own release as I milked him as he came.

He collapsed on me for a few seconds, panting, before rolling onto his back and taking me with him, still joined. I lay on him, trying to regain my breath and feeling the wonderful ache of intense satisfaction. After only a couple of minutes, I could feel him hardening again inside me, and I pushed up onto my elbows on his chest to look into his beautiful chocolate eyes. I smiled, slyly, and said, "Wow Batman, anyone would think you are happy to see me."

He gave me another wolf-grin in response, although he seemed a somewhat more sated wolf! I leaned my head down to begin kissing and suckling his nipples as I lay on him, teasing his other nipple with my hands as I switched sides. He hardened again fully as I tormented him, until I suddenly pushed up on his chest to straddle his hips. I gave him my own version of a wolf-grin, as I began moving slowly to tease him, circling my hips in a lazy figure eight pattern. I watched his eyes dilate and his hands came to grasp my hips, but I refused to let him hurry me. He changed tactics, and brought his hands up to my breasts instead, pinching and twisting the nipples to incite me. It worked, and I began to ride him more forcefully as he played with my breasts until we both orgasmed, looking deeply and lovingly into each other's eyes.

He drew me back down on top of him, and we both slowly relaxed and drifted into a nap, still joined, reluctant to part even for a moment.

As I drifted off, I heard him whisper, "I love you Babe. Welcome home." I smiled to myself on his chest and welcomed oblivion.

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 _AN: Hope you enjoyed! :-D Reviews? Please?_


	34. Chapter 34

_AN: Hi. My deepest apologies to all of my faithful friends who have been following, reviewing, and favourite-ing this story. I am truly sorry for the massive delay in updating. I had been struggling with some health issues, and my muse was pretty lax._

 _But then it happened._

 _I_ _knew_ _it was a mistake and I_ _knew_ _it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway._

 _I read Tricky Twenty-Two._

 _And my muse went into a massive decline and I could not get any enthusiasm to write. It is tempting to write a massive rant about it, but I will restrain myself. Suffice to say, if anyone wants to hear my true views about that piece of… writing… feel free to PM me and we can have a lively discussion. :-/_

 _But I have been reading some of my fav old FFs and reading all those of you who are soldiering on with your excellent stories, and I finally dug my muse out of her pit of despair. Hopefully enough to finish this story, and maybe be inspired to write another. We'll see._

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing (and I wouldn't really want to lay claim to the latest book anyway!)_

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Chapter 34.

For once, I woke before Ranger and watched his beautiful, sleeping face. He looked so relaxed, and somehow younger than I remembered him back in Trenton. My first week in Atlanta had flown by. Ranger and I had celebrated long into the night when I arrived. The next day had been Sunday, and we had taken the day off to relax and catch up. Ranger took me to Piedmont Park to walk the pedestrian path and a late lunch at the Park Tavern. We had come back and fallen back into bed to celebrate again, before enjoying a delicious meal cooked by Dion. Honestly, that man should have his own restaurant!

We had slipped into a routine for the work week. Ranger would rise at his usual crack-of-freaking-dawn time of 5.30am and would work out before coming to wake me at 7. We'd have breakfast together before he'd head off to do Rangeman stuff and I'd catch a nap before 'rising' at a civilised hour, like 9 or 9.30! Then I'd work until lunchtime on Diesel's research. Ranger usually managed to have lunch with me, and I'd work for a few more hours.

I liked to go out around 3.30. Ranger had hired me a bike on the Sunday, and I was riding around exploring Atlanta. A couple of times I had ridden out to Piedmont Park again, and explored the trails there. I found it a bit more enjoyable than riding the city streets. Ranger had also downloaded a couple of Zumba routines for me. The first time I had started doing one of the routines one evening in the Rangeman gym, Lester had come in to watch and ended up joining in. He was goofy enough that we ended up laughing until we cried, but it had been a lot of fun. Apparently, the camera recording made its way around the men, because the second time I started my routine a couple of days later, I not only had Lester, but four other Atlanta Rangemen exercising, dancing and generally goofing around to the Latin beats. I suspected that the next time I could end up with most of the off-duty staff there. I wondered if I could entice Ranger to play, Ranger shakin' his ass would be worth watching!

We had mostly just been getting used to being with each other this week, we hadn't been having any deep and meaningful conversations. I was loving just being with Ranger, and he seemed to be happy just being with me, for the time being.

Simultaneously, I watched as Ranger's eyes fluttered open, while he hardened against me, causing a rush of dampness between my thighs. He smiled a sleepy but slightly wicked smile and I felt another rush, this time of love. I reached up my hand to caress his cheek, and hesitated slightly at the uncharacteristic gesture. I could see that Ranger felt my hesitation, and I saw the question enter his eyes.

"It's just… it felt almost surreal for a second," I explained. "I was just thinking about everything – where we've come from, how far we've come. You were always such a mystery to me, enigmatic and distant. A year ago, I couldn't imagine just touching your face, just telling you that I love you. You seem almost like a different person to me. I _love_ the changes, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I almost have to pinch myself to prove it's real. We're really here, doing this…"

Ranger's hand came up to my cheek in his own caress, "Stephanie, I want you to know… It's not that I consciously wanted to be the 'man of mystery' that you called me. I just compartmentalised everything so much, and I've never been the type to just share my thoughts and feelings openly. I call Lester, Tank and Bobby my best friends, but what they know about me they know mostly through shared experiences. We never sat around the campfire and told each other our deepest thoughts." He smiled wryly and I echoed it.

"I guess what I'm saying is that opening up to you, and doing the therapy with you, it has changed me… I hope for the better, Babe. And I want your love, your affection, and especially your touch. So please don't ever feel like you can't or shouldn't express anything to me."

"Ranger, I know we haven't really talked about why I came here, to Atlanta. When you wrote to me a while back and asked me to think about my long-term plans and my fake life in Boston, it kinda threw me a bit. I'd been living just moment to moment for so long, like my life was in limbo, almost. And I really struggled to find an answer for you, I struggled to know what I wanted for my future, because I just hadn't been living that way. I was focussing on the details; my disguise, where we'd live if we were together all the time, what sort of job I could do if I moved away from Boston. Those details had been really important because all my life in Boston has been is the details."

I took a deep breath to continue, "I went to see Diesel about ten days ago to just ask his advice, get his perspective. He played a song for me, he said he'd heard it and thought of me, of us, you and me. I'll play it for you in a minute, and I hope you can understand some of what I felt when I heard it. It was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud, that sort of sudden burst of clarity and dazzling brightness. Suddenly the details didn't matter so much anymore. What matters to me is _you_. You Carlos. You're what's important to me, to my future. And all the other details; where we live, what I do, what we tell people about where I've been; none of those details are important. Only you."

He leaned forward suddenly and kissed me. It was passionate, yet somehow gentle. It felt like love. To my great shock, I felt dampness on my cheek that did not come from my own eyes, and I leaned back to look into his eyes.

"Babe… Steph, I… I don't think I have the words to tell you what that means to me," he choked out. "I love you." He kissed me again and then drew me into his arms more tightly and just held me for several minutes. Finally he drew back again and smiled at me, one of his beautiful 1000 watt smiles that always left me breathless. "OK, so can I hear your song?"

I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his, "Our song," I corrected. I reached over to pick up my phone off the bedside table and pulled the song up on YouTube. I handed it to Ranger to watch the video and rested my head on his chest to listen. Like me when I had first heard it, Ranger watched it twice through.

Then he put my phone aside and drew my head up to look into my eyes. "Yes, I can see why it spoke to you Babe. It's a story that we can both relate to. The journey may have screwed us up at times, but the destination has been worth it."

I nodded slightly, "It brought us back together, and that's what really matters. So I dropped everything and came to you, to be with you, because that was the most important part. Now we just figure out the details together."

I felt him sigh slightly, "Any ideas on the details Babe?"

"Well, a few. I think only Atlanta or Miami is going to work for us long term. I don't want to go back to Trenton, unless it is the only place I can be with you. I mean… I'd do it for you, but I'd rather not. Boston would be _really_ complicated now, what with my disguise, and Wulf, and everything else. So anyway, you're here in Atlanta, so I guess Atlanta it is for now. Although, I wouldn't say no if you ever decide to move to Miami. I'll miss the beach." I smiled a little sheepishly at Ranger.

He chuckled at that, "Atlanta was a temporary thing for me, a way to get out of Trenton and a place to lick my wounds. I've enjoyed it though, and I haven't made any moves to replace David. It would take me some time to organise any other moves, and I have an established staff in place in Miami. I'm going to be here for at least a while longer."

I reached over and cupped his cheek, "Ranger, it's OK. Atlanta will be fine for now. We can figure it out as we go along." I tried to reassure him.

He grinned at me, "I do have a beach house in Miami, Babe. It's the only office where I don't live in the Rangeman building when I'm there, because I wanted to have a house where I could have Julie stay if that ever happened. And it has a private beach, so topless and even nude sunbathing are not just optional, but required!"

I laughed aloud at that. "OK Batman, but don't complain to me if you burn your buns!" My smirk turned evil, "Or any other bits!" He laughed at that as well.

I sobered again, "I talked about some of the other details with Diesel. I'm going to continue to work for him, at least until his current project is finished, and maybe for him or others in the BUM in future too. I have to keep everything completely secure and top-secret, and I can only do part of what I have been doing in Boston, the research and investigative stuff that can be done remotely. And I want to go back to school eventually. I don't know exactly what I'm going to study yet, but I want to go back now I know myself better and can find something that really is what I want to be, and do."

Ranger smiled at me, "Well I can afford to support you through school, Babe, have no fear." I rolled my eyes at him.

"As for other minor details, well I plan to continue my art classes, and continue my cycling and my Zumba. I also plan to go flying with you as often as possible, if that's jumping from a plane, swinging through the air, or just when you make love to me, because that feels like flying too…"

I felt every part of Ranger harden against me and his arms around me became more possessive. Once again, the other details didn't matter. His hand slid down my body, as his mouth closed over mine, and I knew I was about to fly again…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Ranger came into his private office in his apartment where I had been working. I held up a finger to indicate he should wait while I saved my work and closed off the sensitive report I had been compiling. I looked up to see him with an unreadable expression on his face. I was mostly happy that I rarely saw his 'blank face' these days. His expression was not really blank, however, but somehow oddly still.

"What's up?" I enquired.

Ranger held out several envelopes, "These came for you. A large envelope came from your grandma with several letters inside for me to forward onto you." I nodded, still not seeing what had caused the disturbance in Ranger's force. "There appears to be one from Morelli, Steph. It looks like he sent it to your old apartment, and your old super forwarded it onto your parents' place."

I flicked through the envelopes until I found the one he was referring to. I looked at it for a moment, then back at Ranger. His expression had now fully slipped into the hated blank face. I realised that this was going to be a defining moment in our relationship, and I was crystal clear which way I wanted it to go. I stood, maintaining full eye contact with Ranger, and deliberately tore the envelope in half, before tossing it into the rubbish bin under Ranger's desk.

"There is _nothing_ he can say I want to read Carlos," I explained calmly and very clearly. "Whether it was an apology, an explanation, an update on his life, or anything else, none of it matters anymore. You and I matter, he's is now irrelevant and has been for more than a year." I stepped over to him and caressed his cheek, still looking into his eyes. I watched his expression clear slowly, and warmth come back into eyes. "Neither of us can change our pasts Carlos. We only have the future to make into what we want. I want _you_. I want _us_. And I'm happy here with you."

Suddenly he crushed me to him, and his mouth crashed onto mine in a display of primitive passion. After a few minutes, he lifted his face a little to look into my now-dazed eyes. "I'm sorry Babe," he murmured. "Guess I've still got a few demons, and he's one of them. But I promise never to let it get in the way of us again."

I smiled, "All I can ask Carlos," I agreed, as he swept me up and carried me into the bedroom.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Hey Ranger!" I called. He looked up from his desk to see me wearing my favourite short bike pants and pink-and-black spandex sports tank. His eyes darkened. I grinned at him, "Gonna Zumba! Wanna come play?" I coaxed.

Ranger shook his head, "Babe, please leave me _some_ dignity and authority over my men," he groaned.

I fake-pouted at him, "Ohhh, big bad Ranger can't dance a little. Too bad."

His face slid into his wolf-grin, "Babe, if you want to go dancing, that is something I can do. How about tomorrow?"

My breath caught at the thought of dancing with Ranger, but the idea was hugely appealing. I decided to call his bluff, if it was a bluff. "Sounds perfect Panther," I murmured seductively. "Pick me up at eight?"

He was standing in front of me before I could blink, and his arms slid around me. "Make it seven thirty, we'll grab some dinner out and head to a club Lester found. Latin music and dancing. Date?"

I nodded dumbly. His mouth came down and caressed mine slowly, before he turned me around and pushed me away gently. I felt his hand smack my ass lightly. "So go practice Stephanie," he teased. I wasn't sure if I lost that round, or won it, but dinner and dancing with Ranger was good either way!

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 _AN: I would really, really love it if I could get to 500 reviews for this story. I'm at 459 now, so surely it's possible? Pretty please? If I get to 500, I will let that reviewer request a one-shot on any storyline or topic up to book 21, or extra chapter on one of my other one-shots. So please review! 8-)_


	35. Chapter 35

_AN: Hi all! Well I did it! It's finally finished. I admit the last few chapters have been a struggle, as my muse seemed to take a looong vacation, but I have enjoyed the journey, and loved reading each and every one of your reviews and comments. I hope you too have enjoyed the journey, and I hope you like the final destination! :-D_

 _Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing._

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Chapter 35.

Epilogue.

I sat in the row of graduands and couldn't keep the beaming smile off my face. It matched the beaming smiles in the row of people seated in the audience looking at me. Even Carlos had his 1000-watter on today. Today was the culmination of a dream, the ending of a chapter in my life, and the start of a new chapter. I couldn't help reflecting on my journey.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Two and a half years ago I had flown to Atlanta because I couldn't bear to be away from Carlos. It was the best decision of my life. We had spent our time figuring out how to make the details work for both of us, until we had to fly back up to Boston. The next three weeks were a whirlwind, as we packed up my things for shipping, negotiated with the BUM and Diesel, and worked out even more details of my transfer.

Finally, I said a fond farewell with a final French toast breakfast to Mandy, and a very teary farewell to Diesel and Lizzy and set off to my new life in Atlanta… with two boxes of the most scrumptious cupcakes on earth of course! Boston cream pie and pineapple upside down cupcakes. Does she know me or what? I couldn't let Ranger leave the Ferrari in Boston, so we drove off in it to Trenton for the next week.

I worked online on seven for a few hours every day and spent time with my family and friends, while Ranger caught up on work with Tank and Bobby. It was great to see my dad, grandma, Val and her family, Mary Lou and her family, Connie and all the Rangemen. Lula was still ignoring me, and my heart ached for the loss of her friendship. I had talked about it with Janice and she helped me to see that some friendships last, while others fade. I was just sad to see this one die.

The less said about my mother the better, but at least Ranger and I were not subjected to her cold and unforgiving disapproval. We ate with my remaining family one night at Val's place and another night we all went out to dinner with Mary Lou's clan as well. One day Mary Lou and I escaped to Point Pleasant for a few hours, basking on the beach and having fun at the arcade to relive some old memories. I was rebuilding my relationships that mattered most, and it soothed my heart.

We also had a fantastic, raucous night at Shorty's with Tank, Soo, Bobby, Cathy, Cal, Hector and Hal where we gorged on pizza and beer and laughed at everyone's stories.

I took an afternoon to go up to New York and see Janice. We had a great session, and set up for our mostly online sessions in future. Janice had me start something new. She said I had moved into a new phase in my life, and it was time to look forward as well as backward, so she wanted me to start a new, parallel journal she called a 'hope journal'. Instead of analysing my past, she wanted me to start writing my hopes, dreams, plans and expectations for my future. It was really challenging at first, as I had not spent much time in the last few years planning and dreaming, but it was also really liberating.

Staying on seven at Haywood that first time had been a bittersweet experience. There were so many memories there, many good and some not so good, but each night Ranger helped eclipse any bad memories with lots of much better ones. I knew over time it would become easier to be there, as we built our lives together and overlaid so many new memories that the others would fade. But I was glad to know right then that we would be leaving soon for Atlanta.

Finally we packed up the Ferrari again and headed off to Atlanta. We stopped overnight in Charlotte NC to break the long drive. Ranger and Lester had a surprise waiting for me in Atlanta. Ranger had organised to refurbish his spacious personal office in his apartment, to create a separate workspace for me. Two-thirds of the office was now screened with a large desk, extremely comfortable chair, private phone line, and a large safe with bio-metric security for me to store my confidential documents for my research. Ranger's own desk had been move to the side into the remaining, smaller space. It was a fabulous, private workspace for me to finish my confidential research and tears leaked from my eyes at his thoughtfulness and caring. It was so typical of Ranger.

Over the next six months, I worked hard to finish the research for Diesel and Lizzy, and was rewarded when they had found both of the final two stones just seven months after I left Boston. Ranger had had to travel to Boston twice since we left, and I made sure to accompany him, so I could see Diesel and Lizzy. Lizzy had cupcakes waiting for me, and Diesel took me for walks on Winter Island to burn off the calories! In fact, I traveled with Ranger to all the other offices, using the time in Trenton to spend with my family and friends and loving Ranger's Miami beach house.

I also worked hard to fit into the Atlanta office at Rangeman, Lester helping by organising weekly, informal dinners at a local restaurant, similar to Shorty's, and telling outrageous stories of my time as the Bombshell Bounty Hunter. Unfortunately they were nearly all true.

Once the research was complete for Diesel, though, I found myself suddenly at another crossroads. Ranger, sensing my conundrum, organised for us to spend another week in Trenton, and I managed to get two appointments with Janice to talk about my plans and my future. The 'hope journal' had helped, but the time spent with Janice helped more to clarify my plans and dreams, and I headed back to Atlanta with a renewed sense of possibilities.

With prior credit from my business degree for all the general courses, and my experience as a BEA, I was able to enrol in two diplomas at Atlanta Technical College simultaneously; a Database Specialist Associate Degree, and a Diploma in Criminal Justice Technology. I was learning database design, management and programming, and I was thoroughly enjoying this aspect of computing. But the truly fascinating part was the criminal justice technology, where I was learning about crime scenes and forensics, and various aspects of law and justice. It was a new side to the criminal justice system and I was _loving_ it. I couldn't help feeling like I was on an episode of _CSI_ every time I stepped into the lab.

Diesel had recommended me for another research job that took about eight months, and another followed that took nearly a year. The research was interesting, and I was able to use some of my emerging skills to tap into new databases and look at new sources of information. Realising the potential, I even was able to introduce some new ideas and information sources to Rangeman. Ranger had brought Hector and Silvio to Atlanta for several weeks to work with me in the Atlanta office, and they were surprised and fascinated by the new ideas I was able to demonstrate to them. Ranger again begged me to take a job with Rangeman, but I opted for a consultant role, preferring to keep my options open.

All my hard work for years had paid off. With two new qualifications, a reference from the 'non-profit' I worked for, Rangeman's reputation and Ranger's contacts, I had scored a consultant position working with the FBI in Miami. It was a dream job, conducting part-time research on cold cases involving fugitives. It would challenge me and stretch me, but still would leave me open to consult for Rangeman and the BUM as well.

Best of all it was in Miami! After my graduation, we were packed up and heading to Miami, to Ranger's gorgeous beach house (where I had already spent several heavenly vacations over the years) to live full-time. Lester was, to my distress, staying behind in Atlanta to manage the branch. It was a fantastic opportunity for him to finally move into the top spot, but I was going to miss him beyond reason. He had fast become my best friend in Atlanta, my source of fun and hilarious pranks. But I knew as long as I had Ranger, I could be anywhere.

Ranger was trying to pull back from his full-time, hands-on role in the branches. He was retaining a full core team in Miami, and focusing his time on managing the company, and investigating the possibility of another branch of Rangeman. He was considering putting in an offer on an existing company in Richmond VA, or possibly just opening a branch from scratch in Orlando. I hoped wherever he went I would be able to travel with him most of the time.

Ranger and I were both hoping that we could build a closer bond with Julie in Miami. Her relationship with Ranger had strengthened over the years with frequent trips to Miami and I had built a friendship with her as well. Julie was fifteen now, and starting to think about college. Ranger and I, as well as Rachel and Ron, were all hoping our move to Miami would encourage her to stay in Florida.

Ranger and my relationship had deepened and strengthened over the years. We had continued, separately and together, for nearly a year with Janice on video conference, then she had told us it was time to refer us to a local couples' counsellor for monthly consultations. Alison Murphy, who we called Ali, called our sessions 'monthly check-ins'. Ranger compared them to the final scene in the movie _Mr and Mrs Smith_ , although I tried to discourage him from discussing the quantity of our sex life! After another year with Ali, we had mutually agreed that we had built a healthy, strong relationship that we were both dedicated to maintaining and growing, and Ali suggested we stop counselling unless we felt we needed it in the future. We celebrated our 'healthy strength' with a vacation to Vegas.

Over the years Ranger had mostly become Carlos to me, only Ranger when I occasionally worked in the Rangeman office. At home, at night, he was also occasionally Panther, which usually resulted in him not needing a workout in the gym the next morning! There are all kinds of cardio…

I kept up my fitness, still enjoying Zumba at the gym. Carlos and I had brought our bikes down from Boston, and cycled regularly, although it was me more than Carlos. Carlos had talked me into trying different self-defense classes, since he would always worry I would be at risk from enemies past and future, and I had found I enjoyed Krav Maga, and Lester was an excellent teacher and sparring partner. Ranger refused to spar with me, since he claimed he would never be able to hurt me deliberately, but he assured me we would find someone in Miami to continue my lessons.

We had faced challenges, and had fights, but we always tried to tell each other every day we loved each other. Carlos was learning slowly to communicate, it didn't come easily, and it probably never would, but we kept trying. I kept a printed sign above my desk that read, ' _It doesn't matter the where, the how, or the details, what matters is the_ _who_ _, what matters is Carlos'_. It helped to remember that, to get past the difficult times.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

So today I sit in a hard, plastic chair in the Atlanta heat and humidity, waiting for my name to be called to receive my diplomas. Grinning like a fool as Carlos grinned back at me, causing the woman sitting in front of him to fan herself with the program repeatedly. He was still drop-dead gorgeous at thirty-six. My heart felt like it was going to burst as I looked along the row of people beside Carlos; my dad, my grandma, Val, Albert, Angie, Mary Alice, Lisa, Lester, Tank, Soo, Bobby, Cathy, Mary Lou and Connie. Carlos had flown the Trenton people down on a private jet for a few days before the ceremony. And they were here to cheer for me and my accomplishments. My cup was truly running over.

I listened as they called up the graduates alphabetically, and prepared myself as my name came closer, to stand and walk onto the stage…

" _Stephanie Manoso, Associate Degree in Database Specialist and Diploma in Criminal Justice Technology. Well done, and congratulations Mrs Manoso!"_

 **FIN!**

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 _AN: I work at a university, so I know the college thing is possible. But if the FBI thing is unrealistic, please forgive me. I plead Australian ignorance!_ _I hope you like my little 'twist' at the end! Just for all you babes! :-)_

 _I want to take the time to thank some of my reviewers who have been with me from the beginning and have taken the time to review every chapter in some cases! Your constant thoughts and encouragements have inspired me, and I am very grateful. Special thanks to shellbell78,_ melyons _and trhodes9 who (I think) have reviewed every chapter. And grateful thanks to the many reviews from Angela Mueller; MomofPhoenix; suzyq59; jacirose; jwarden; rogerse98; First Generation Scot; Margaretlucylu; got2BaBabeFan; ColdWeatherChica; mandababe15; and dozens more readers and guests! You guys are AWESOME!_

 _The offer still stands – if I make it to 500 reviews (only 20 more!) I will let that reviewer request a one-shot on any storyline or topic up to book 21, or extra chapter on one of my other one-shots. So please review! :-)_

 _I am working on a one-shot, inspired by my dismay with Tricky Twenty-Two (and many others before it...). Plus I do plan to go back and finish Epiphany eventually. So I hope you will all keep reading and reviewing for me._

 _Cheers! Robyn_


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